Wes is manic. Mean little gremlin. How do I do this? He can't see or feel the mania. He just knows we all **** him off to no end.

This sounds terrible, and please forgive me, but I want to give him away right this second. I am just not able to cope right now. It's all been too much and I can't do this right now. I am tired. I am not feeling well.

And I am emotionally spent.

I just wanna bawl. How selfish is that? God, I feel like such a terrible parent. I really want him to be somewhere else right now.

sigh.

How do I pull myself together? I gotta keep going, but this is just more than I can handle right now. Too many other things that are putting me on emotional over load.

Sorry for being gone so long. It's just rough at my house lately.

Dear Mrs. Bear,
We forgive you -- not that you need to be forgiven.
It is normal and ok even to feel like you want to give him away. Please don't add this to your list of things to beat yourself up with.

That would be great if you lived somewhere that had a drop in center or a type of day care place where he could be safe for the day. Then you could pick him up in the afternoon aferwork

Maybe there are one or two things that you do have control over that you can cut out or make go away so that you can deal with other things a little better.

'Sorry that you are going through this.

M

I agree with Mari Mrs. Bear, you shouldn't beat yourself up over having those feelings, I have them about Jackie too and he definitely strikes me as being in a manic phase these days. He doesn't have a dx of BP yet but I suspect one is coming in the years ahead because of his behavior. Do your best to try to hang in there and be good to yourself, you're doing the best you can right now and that's all anyone can ask for.

YOu are doing the best that you can!
YOu are a wonderful mother and have been such an advocate for him over the years.
I too wonder if there might be a drop in center that he could go to when he is like this.
One of my clients who has anger/behavior issues jsut got admitted to a group residential home for therapy.
THe majority of the people there have substance abuse issues.
He is there to learn how to deal with his emotions and anger.
They have long therapy sessions everyday,
he will probably be there 3-4 months.
Please don't be hard on yourself for being normal and thank you for trusting us to verbalize your feelings.
What does your hubby think about all this?
((((HUGS))))
bizi

I think you should find a group setting for him for his sake and for yours. I think you should also attend a support group that will make you realize that somethings are beyond our control and it is nothing to do with selfishness. What kind of a lesson are you teaching him if you are being brutal to yourself?
You don't want to do that do you? Also in a group setting they may be able to safely experiment with a combination of drugs that might help him and stabilize him. Obviously, the medication he is on now isn't helping. Sometimes acts of kindness in the beginning look like cruelty but in the long run are loving acts...show him how much you love him!
Bobby

more hugs for you bear
((((((HUGS))))))
bizi

Mrs. Bear

You are a good mother to your children! You'll know what is best I'm sure.

befuddled2

I was so tired yesterday. Blew my happy place.

He is trying to break free. At 18, that is what he is supposed to be doing. And then he hangs on so tight and won't give me seconds' peace. Like he was little again.

He wants to move in with his favorite aunt and uncle. And they have a room for him. This uncle was the only family member on my ex's side of the family that would help me with the kids. When my ex had a transplant, this uncle would watch the boys while I ran their daddy to doctors and dialysis. To the point that Con would call his uncle Mom. Too cute.

His aunt is also bipolar with a very long swing. She is very aware of the ups and downs and also the psychotic element that Wes has. They are all very close and I feel very comfortable with the arrangment. Also, they don't live very far away.

But Wes has to pass his drivers test first and get a full time job because they want him to pay rent. Which is also a wonderful idea. His first steps of becoming independant in a safe enviornment.

I just lost it yesterday cause Con's been really sick and is scaring me. And I just didn't have it in me to be, I dunno, be more than I could at that moment.

The pdoc said give him another shot of Geodon, which didn't happen. He thinks I bent the needle in him last time. lol. I didn't. It just hurt.

And he sees his therapist Monday. So that will help.

Thanks for understanding. It just felt so mean to say. But I guess it's a normal reaction under stress.

My husband is trying to learn more about the psychotic feature of this disorder. He is being very patient and very firm with the boy. Won't give in to his every whim, because if we did that would actually hurt Wes. But he is also loving about it. Good guy.

Dear Mrs. Bear,
I'm glad that your husband is being helpful.
Men can handle some things better that we do.
In this case, it sounds like he is keeping a balance in the house.
Can you get more sleep so that you can handle things better? Is sleep one of your issues?

Mari

I still like the idea of a group home until his doctors find some medication that will stabilize him. I have never been psychotic but I have paranoid thoughts that I knew were ridiculous and obsessive thoughts. I am sorry I am being negative short term.
Bobby