So, a bit of background. Christopher and I have been dating since a year ago nearly exactly. We were seeing each other here and there for a few months until in February or so this year he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes. We were getting along great. So gradually, we've seen each other several times a week. We go places with our kids together. I have stayed at his place overnight several times. We are now very close emotionally and mentally- VERY good friends, but let's face it- when you go out on dates and have (AWESOME) sex, and are doing everything exclusive couples do- you're a couple.

Well at some point, he stopped referring to me as his girlfriend in public. Back in May, he started crying about me because he still has feelings for his ex-wife ... and he's emotionally undone. Once, I suggested I should just not date him anymore and he thought that was a horrible idea and can't see himself without me.

So for quite a bit now I've been trying to just let him be and go on our merry way together. Its not a selfless detrimental thing on my part. But what it is is I finally had to get rid of the pain inside me over the conflict in my mind between what I feel for him and think he feels for me and his telling the world I'm "his friend". (See below.) Lots of times recently, I have thought I should just break up with him because this is killing me. But then, I know he would never be back maybe and that probably wouldn't help the situation. I wanted to continue having the really nice communication we have had. So... Here's what went on tonight.

I was semi-dressed up- sexy-looking. We walked and kissed and hugged and were generally very happy. The evening went REALLY well. Relaxed, fun, happy... WONDERFUL. We both had a very
nice time. So it got to be around 10:00 and we headed
to the car, got in and drove home. He's kissing my
hand nicely... (We'd had coffee (decaf) and a pastry while out, and
chatted and laughed and huged and kissed and
laughed....) And when he pulled into my driveway, I
said I had something I wanted to get off my chest and
it wasn't a criticism- just something I wanted to
communicate. So he looked a bit like I was gonna tell
him something horrible for a moment. Then I said very
nicely that when we go somewhere together like the
other day when I met him at his work and he introduced
me to one of his co-workers as "my friend, Jennie", it
throws me for a loop and I don't feel good for a
moment because what I see and what I feel do not match
up; I feel like much more than his friend. To this he
looked like he might cry, and said "I don't have an
answer for you right now." And I said "I don't expect
you to have an answer; its late; you need sleep; but I
had to communicate this to you so you'd know how I
feel and to get to get it off my chest in general."
And I said goodnight nicely and got out. Now mind
you, it was a LOVELY evening emotionally up until that
point. I feel like I ruined the whole thing by ending
it that way. And I really was NOT demanding anything
and I tried so carefully not say it that way and even
explained I didn't mean it that way. But that is how
I feel when he says I'm his friend to others when to
ME, we are MILES beyond friends. Is that selfish? I
have tried and tried to see it from his point of view-
that he's hurting over his ex, but for ME its hurting
my heart and mind to experience what we have and then
to be "my friend, Jennie" as if we are work buddies or
next-door neighbors. Anybody that looked at us in
public would think we were a really lovely sweet
in-love couple....

And now that I've said that to him, I fear he will think I'm being selfish and saying "CHOOSE!" which is not my intent, but I WOULD like to be told by HIM that he feels the same for me as he SEEMS to- that is, that he is (whatever everybody else under the sun seems to see naturally).... my boyfriend. He certainly says as much in every other way.

I'm not crazy for this or about to get dumped, am I? My "what would everybody else say" file says "This is a sign... move on." I really didn't need one more worry and I feel bad now that I ended the wonderful evening on such a sour note; I only meant to get that off my chest as its been there for weeks or months. I shouldn't have let it build up so much, but I think I did good saying it simply and honestly and calmly, rather than what "they" say women do: Scream or cry it at them all at once. Men hate that. They go "She's nuts!" and run.

How long has he been divorced? I don't think you did anything wrong,
COMMUNICATION in a relationship is a key factor.

If he is still hung up on his ex-wife, maybe he isn't ready for a relationship, until he can cope/deal with his feelings/emotions of the break-up.

This is up to you on whether you want to go on as a friend and see if it develops into a girlfriend again or more. I would be upset and hurt too. Is there a chance they might get back together?

Personally, this is just me, I couldn't handle it. I would get out of it asap.
But remember I am going through a major trust issue with men, so maybe my advice isn't good. I'm just at that point that I don't want any relationship, but I am just recently separated.

As they say there are more fish in the sea. Maybe you need to see other men, instead of just him. If he just wants to be friends as he says to other people, then just be friends, don't let him play with your emotions.

Hugs, Nikko

Hi Nathan,

I think you handled it real well. To be honest though, in all the relationships I've had with men where they were still in love with the wife did not last. Being friends though can lead to better things IMO. I send well wishes for you to do what you think is best as your decision will affect you.

befuddled2

I dont normally post here.Ihope you dont think i am butting in.
I do lurk often though.
It sounds to me from the way you describe things that you did great!!!
Does'nt sound to me like you ruined anything!!
I am sorry but it sounds to me like you have been waaayy more patient than i ever would have been!!!
Communication is the key to a good relationship.Without it.You have nothing!
If he acts different toward you once you tell him your true feelings.If i were you, i might sit down and rethink the reasons i am in the relationship.
Because if he only acts happy when your pretendingto be happy thats just not fair to you!!!You deserve to be with someone that wantsto tell the world you are his girl!!!!!!!!
You deserve that!!
If you settle for less than -thats what your gonna get....
He will treat you the way you teach him to treat you.
If you stand up for yourself and dont cave in.He may walk away but then you will know he was'nt who you thought he was.Do you really want to spend your time with someone that is pining away for someone else.
I m sorry i dont mean to sound harsh but you deserve so much more than this!!!
Would'nt you rather know the truth now?
Rather than spend 5 -8 more months of your life with him-then mayb find out what he is all about .
I dont believe it's being pushy.You have a right to have someones undivided attention!!!You should'nt have to share him with an old memory!!
If you are giving your whole heart and soul to this person.Why is it so much to ask to be introduced as his girl?
Just my 2 cents...
~Kell~

Yeah he wrote me three emails (two very short) after that that I got this morning. He says he misses living in Canada (he moved here for his ex) and he said she MIGHT move to Texas in 2 years... I feel like "oh that means I'm waiting around for two years to see if she moves so we finally know who won the "election"?" Then he said when he really thinks about it and his honest with himself, he can see himself staying here for me. I feel so "backup, just in case".

I don't even want to think about it anymore because its all just me thinking in my head. But when I signed on here tonight, I was just thinking that I should say to him "I know you are absolutely torn about Andrea and me and I hate to see you that way. I don't think we should see each other anymore." He'd probably freak out. But at least the choice would be made and he could move on from there. He'd still have to wait around and see if she wants to get back with him. She certainly seems to be taking him for a "ride" so to speak- leading him on.

As it is, I might just have to do that just to ease things for myself, although I feel like I"d be trading that stress for another. I'd miss him terribly.