[Nathan1097]

So where to begin...

New doctor. First saw a student. Very nice guy. We talked about 45 minutes and I told him lots of stuff that I've told you here- maybe more. I hadn't forgotten things! I usually go to this kind of thing not remembering anything, ya know? He seemed to ask questions back that related and he was very nice. We talked about the horror movie hallucinations, about my wanting to beat people up, about my version of reality changing, my alcoholic dad.... everything.

Then, the doctor and some other female doctor came in. They all sat and stared at me- at least the women did. The guy sorta kept to himself inthat he didn't stare but he did look interested. They asked me all kinds of questions that I had already answered like "Why are you here today?" "I got a referral from my primary". "Why?" "Because I had this episode with non-stop talking and can't sleep and she said I was bipolar and put me on Depakote and wants me to see you." (I guess this is to see if your stories match to see if you're making it up for fun?) They said after a while of this- of asking me the same question in a different way two questions later because they didn't lik emy answer- a very HONEST, truthful, INSIGHTFUL answer to me!!!- and then I said "Why are we going in circles? You just asked me that. You don't like my answer?" They asked me about my history of depression. I asked them "What should I do if I find myself thinking I could fly down from balconies again?" Her answer? "Don't." "Don't what- think it?" "No, don't do it." Oh yeah- right. Okay. Coping mechanisms? Like music or white noise? Yeah- sure, I've been told those, but the never occur to me WHEN I am feeling like this so they aren't likely to work if I can't even think of them, nevermind DO them. "How about would you like dialetical behavioral therapy- a group?" Tried that. They all seemed like they were speaking another language and everything was common sense anyway. Not related to me. "Would you like to just talk to someone sometimes? I don't see a reason we need to see you here. I can't figure out a diagnosis. (Just put down "severe depression" for the insurance.)" "How would Christopher describe you?" "Sweet, nice, funny, clever, lovely, pretty...."? "How many friends do you have?" You mean in real life or my imaginary play buddies? What did you expect from this appointment?

So... it went on like this for an annoying 45 minutes or so and finally one of the women looked at me and said "I can't figure out who you are. I always can look at people and tell who they are- not the details of their life- but who they are. I have no idea who you are." You know what I said back? "Oh! Cool!!" lol They started by saying "We don't think you're bipolar." (Wow, cuz everything I've read about it is me.) So they just left it at that. They want to talk to my primary doctor to find out why SHE thinks I'm bipolar, but I can take the meds if it makes me feel better. I don't know if she was baiting me or what the deal was, but I thought I was telling the truth and remembering stuff and wanting some answers because I know when I don't feel myself and I feel like I'm in an alternate world where anything is possible (which I told them)... and they just seemed to say "We don't know. Unless you're REALLY gonna hurt someone and not just think about it, oh well. " They asked me had I ever thought about killing myself. I said yes. They said "was it when you were really sad." I said no. Not in the least. I felt like I knew why people killed themselves (or as the case may be other people) and it was like a very clear revelation to me. Then they said how often do these happen that I have the horror movie hallucinations and I said all the time. (I even had one in their office when they weren't there but didn't say so.) They wanted to know if I was angry at someone when I think it and I said "No I am not. They are movies that just play." They wanted to know how "real" they were and I said "not as real as this chair," but when I get into that state- like on Sunday- all the rules of the way things work no longer apply so I wouldn't be surprised to see furniture walking or animals talking, etc. They seemed to skim this.

So I'm at a loss here. I feel like I've been told there's nothing wrong with me and I aught to "pull it together"- as has happened to me in the past, when one therapist looked right at me and said "Well? What do you want ME to do about it?"

EDIT:

Just editing to add that one thing they kept coming back to was how OFTEN any of these "spells" happen. The spending, the non-stop talking, the visions, etc. They wanted to know if they lasted a week or two weeks or six months. I said "They are not predictable and they last a day or two, but can then happen a few days or a week later." I know they were trying to figure out bipolar in terms of "this should last weeks in each 'state' or its not bipolar".....