Right now I just want to die. I'm too tired of it all,and a family member has misinterpreted my illness,and said they're going to drop financial help because we have not been getting along. I have been sick,and now I have gone into depression on top of all the phobias,emotional pain,obsessions,tormenting thoughts,and rejection. I have written down my problems on this web site,and No one has taken me under their wing,or shown a interest to help me. My immediate family is giving up on me now. It's not my fault. I'm a good person,and have been suffering since I was a teenager. It started with a major panic attack,and I felt like I was under a black cloud when I was a teenager. The problems have been going on,and on. Now I'm running out of money,my family is on the verge of rejecting me for they are tired of me. This is devastating to me. It looks grim to me,and Social Security Disability has rejected me two times,and I have hired a lawyer,but I have to wait for possible about another year. I'm tired of it all,and my energy has gone to a low level. I never receive any comfort,or security,and I am so burdened. I just want it to end. There is nothing to live for anymore. I just can't see a future anymore. I'm grieved unto pain,and I want it to stop. I'm so tired.

Have any family members spoken with your drs or gone to any appts with you? To see and hear that it is real?
Do you take any medications now?
How about vitamins and nutrition - have you also been checked for food sensitivities, hormonal imbalances?
Are you getting plenty of sun light and fresh air?
If you are in a northern area some of your depression could be from SAD {seasonal affective disorder}.

You might want to read /visit our Survivors of Suicide forum- there's a very caring and helpful group of members there.
It's for those that have been touched by the loss of a family member and those that may have been at a point and considered it.
http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/forum29.html

They may have some uplifting words to give you hope for the future.

Dear Friend,
I am very sorry that you are hurting.
You sound very much alone.

'Sending hugs.

Mari

Friend,

I can relate to you and wish I could say the right words. What use to help me get through the bad times was knowing that we need hope to cope. Hold onto that hope.

befuddled2

Hello Brokenfriend. I'm so sorry that you're hurting right now.

I understand how you must feel without family support having been there myself over and over again. I also understand the lack of finances since I went on disability just recently, and there never seems to be enough to go around. I'm always broke through no fault of my own, and sometimes it's hard to find enough cash to even replenish the larder Or the fridge. I know what's it's like to go without.

I haven't seen any of your other posts until just now, so maybe others are in the same boat as me. Please don't give up "friend". We are all here to give you support if you want it.

Jo had a good idea when she said the following:

Please also heed what Befuddled said...



Hold on "friend", I'm thinking of you as I'm sure many others are as well. Good luck in your quest for Social Security Disability. I hope it comes through soon for you.

My family member does not want to go to therapy with me. Years ago my dad did,and he started to understand. They where very aggravated with me,and didn't understand what I was going through when I was a teenager. I got sent to Military School where my condition got worse. One day in the Mess Hall I was siting at attention,and I had a panic attack. It got worse,they didn't believe me,and I got sent there the next year. I went to the Nurse's office there,and they shook their heads,and told me to leave. That was in the late 1960's. Well to get back on the point,my dad heard of the Phobia Clinic in around 1980. Slowly he started to believe me. He heard other people had the same problem that I had. The obsessions got worse when I was in my middle 30's. I started getting therapy back in the early 1970's,and I am still in therapy. My dads almost 88 years old now,and my sister has been helping me recently,because my dad cannot handle it anymore. My sister knows that I have emotional problems,and she has developed MS. She,and I where getting along,but something strange has started between our personalities. She seems to say the reverse of everything that I say,and this is troublesome to me. She keeps doing it,and starts to say that I'm the one doing it. I have told my doctor of this resent development,and he said it sounds like she has OCD,and wants everything done her way,and I end up getting battered by her when I try to help her. I don't even want to go over there because it's gotten so bad. I'll say on thing,and she says another, and troubles me. She is obsessed with telling me things that I've told her that I cannot handle right now,and she knows it,but does it anyway. She's infuriated with many people around her. I see it,but if she see's it,she won't admit it ,and she will change her story. Now her anger has turned on me,and she said she is going to stop her money support. She moved me up to where she lives to help me. I tried to clean her house,and she didn't like the way I was doing it. She doesn't like my hobbies,what I talk about,my interests,my talents,and the way I talk. When I have left that house recently,I have lied down for 12 hour periods of time just totally exhausted from listening to her putting me down. That's how the relationship has become,and yet she knows that I have emotional problems. I don't feel like getting up anymore. I have a pain in the middle of my chest from the muscles pulling from anxiety. I am obsessed, confusion,aggravation,about her misunderstanding,and making me sound bad.She knows that I have emotional problems,she calls them mental,but she stirs me up anyway. I'm a good person. Now I'm 55,and completely tired of everything,afraid,worried,confused,baffled at these suddenly worse circumstances,because they where bad before. They have been bad for a long time. I have been so misunderstood. I was in a bad work situation,that got worse after 9/11,and I got treated worse by my employer,and fellow employee's. One thing after another,you would not believe it. My sister has set a division between my Dad,and I. She talks bad about him,and my deceased Mother. All of this ,and these conditions that I have explained on some of my other posts are getting to me. I am burdened,and my self worth has been bombarded by my sister,and I don't know why. It might be the MS. My situation is threatened by her continually,and I don't know why she is doing it. I'm more unstable,tormented in my mind,and my doctor who does not like to give medication has upped my medicine a little. I'm on the lowest dose of Xanax,and a low dose of Luvox. He has been treating me for 20 years. Before him I had about 8 other doctors,and 2 hospital stays. I don't have Insurance,and I might end up in the hospital again. I have called my Uncle who is a minister,and a few other people,and they have prayed for me. My Uncle said that my Dad,and my sister are that way because they are in pain. I'm in pain,and my sister taking away finances is heightened my anxiety,and dread of the future,to the extent that is almost unbearable. My sister even said that every time I've ever seen you you where full of stress,so I don't understand why she is putting me down. I live in a rural area,and any major cities are 75,to 85 miles away. I see my doctor 15 minutes ,once every three months now because that's all that I can afford. I'm not stupid,slow or anything like that,and I think that it makes the OCD worse being somewhat intelligent. These thoughts are tormenting me,and I am deeply disturbed deep down,and I wish that I'd just cease to exist at times. I don't know what to do. I feel out of reach of help,and who cares about a 55 year old man. No one has taken a interest in helping me,and that is another hurt. It seems like people don't care anymore. The Government is trying to not give me Social Security Disability. I have a real problem,and even my flesh,and blood family are starting to not care. Excuse me for venting,but I live alone with increasing problems,and I'm worried about them going completely out of control. I don't seem to have control,or security in my life,and I'm worried about loosing it all,and ending up living nowhere,and I'm scared. If I don't get Social Security Disability after court,I have no clue as to what would happen to me. Will someone hang in there with me,and help me through this. Please help me. I'm just a emotional reck right now. People,please,please don't give me any criticism,I can't handle anymore. I you feel like criticizing me,please don't say anything at all,because you will just be adding fuel to my grief.

Thank you Jo55,Mari,befuddled 2,and Koala 77. Your replies mean allot to me. Thank's. Bless you all. It means allot walking through the battles with friends,and they grab you by the belt,and pull you forward if you fall down,or if your dazed.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Can you get on medicaid? Through medicaid maybe you could get a social worker or therapist who could open up some doors that would provide you with additional support and find resources that you don't know exist. I am totally alienated from my only sibling and am on disability. I had a great lawyer. I was in a downward spiral and although i have been depressed and anxious for ages, things have turned for me. I believe in golden safety nets. i really believe that help comes when we least expect it and that at times we are given more than we can bear and that is when the help seems to come and it doesn't seem to be related to how hard we try ourselves.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE
Bobby

Good morning Brokenfriend....Your subject title "death" caught my eye.

Have you been dxed with Bipolar Disorder? I'm sorry you feel hopeless right now and hopefully you'll soon see a little light in that tunnel. I understand that you are depressed but try to remember that the black hole has sides.

Have you posted on the SSD forum? I know that people are usually turned down on their first go at it. Here is the link to that forum...http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/forum28.html

Talking (venting) about what you are feeling is always a good idea.
And we are always happy to "see" a new face on the sos forum...

Jo directed you to it....http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/forum29.html

hi broken friend, jsut wanted to tell you that I hear what you are saying and feel for you and wanted to give you a hug...you are not alone.
((((HUGS))))
bizi