yes it makes sense because i think it is already there...does that make sense. I have tended since kindergarten to help the underdog. In graduate school, I even stood up to a very tall teacher who obviously controlled my mark but i couldn't stand that he was making fun of a fellow student in front of the class pointing out his accent and how short he was. I went to him after class because I didn't want to embarrass the student and made fun of the teacher's short comings, slumping and lousy spelling besides his despicable behavior. I just had to do it or else I wasn't bobby. My final grade rested on a paper and I chose the topic altruism...lol..I got an a-....boy did i luck out
I have heard such wonderful things about the Netherlands...is it true that is a faux paux to brag or to show off about ones wealth. I know they did it in art a couple of hundred years ago with the still lives showing how ephermal life was.
You are a fellow animal lover. At one point, I had fourteen birds. I rescued a couple of starlings..Sammy lived to be fourteen, two mourning doves...samatha lived also to be about fourteen..supposely the longest a mourning dove lived was 32 years. I adore german shepherds and obviously schnauzers...my heart was torn apart when mine died...
more later
Bobby
ps i had a killer parakeet..i finally had to let him free -he imposed too much of a danger to the other birds trying to peck them to death-i tried isolating him for a while but that made him meaner if possible

Ha, we seem to have a lot in common. I did exactly the same thing, a really nasty sarcastic teacher picked on the very weakest boy who had no friends at all and I got so infuriated that I could not control myself.
About the bragging about wealth, in the northern half this was the case but it is wearing thin as young people learn to "sell themselves" in the job market. Many have got a real problem grasping the idea, though. It has got something to do with the protestant faith having been invented and very virulent in this area. Plus there was disdain and aversian towards the flamboyant conquering Romans, Spanish and French, "with their plumes, wigs, men in dresses and perfumes". This was originally mainly swamp and the people were not wealthy and dressed for practicality and concealment.
I did have two white doves with the spread-out tails for a while but the neighbours complained so I had to give them to a petting zoo.
I've never heard of a killer parakeet. I do know that they need at least one other parakeet there, or they do the weirdest things out of loneliness.
I am a bit put out because I had a busy day, satisfactory but hard, and now I feel like I don't know "where to put myself". I hope it will be better in the morning, it usually is. How is your day?

that is interesting how the trend started. I assumed there were a lot of wealthy merchants...lol...
that was nice that you could find a petting zoo for your doves. Something was wrong with each bird I "rescued" and that is why I found them on the street. I had other parakeets which I bought but the killer parakeet got meaner and meaner. I had never seen anything like it.
What did you do today?
My day was horrid for a large part. I had therapy and I like my young therapist. She basically said I built a prison for myself. She doesn't understand that a bipolar doesn't do well with stress. I forgot to tell her. I will remember next time. Then when I came home I wasn't comfortable in my own skin. I even had a crisis of faith. I tried to watch Harold and Maude and didn't have the patience. I took a bubble bath and that didn't do it. I took all my medication and thensome and fell asleep. I woke up feeling better. For a while there I was really frightened. Do you ever feel that uncomfortable in everything?
Bobby

I also take care of any animals I find wounded or sick in the street. Sometimes they just need rest, cleaning up and good feeding. We have got an "animal ambulance" service here that will come pick them up from my home if they need care I cannot give. They are volunteers and work with donations, and they pick up animals for free. If you pay a small donation each year, they will give you free rides to the vet in case your animal is in an emergency. Otherwise you can still use them for a ride to the vet put you pay them a realistic sum.
They are really good people and they also offer a chance for people, who would otherwise not readily be employed or who live on a large income they do not work for and get bored, to be part of society. Some very carefully screened ex-addicts get to work there as a stepping stone towards proper employment.

What did you do today?
I went with a friend who lives nearby to do our shopping for the week. She was very out of sorts because their doggy had an accident hurting his foot. She asked to go together because she feared making mistakes - which she did and I could help her. I really enjoyed shopping together for my own sake too but felt overwhelmed afterwards.
Late at night I found a cloister-style dining room table and four matching chairs on the curb nearby. People leave large stuff in certain area's once a week for the trash people to pick up. There was a lot of other beautiful oak furniture too but I had no room, alas. I am painting my bedroom so my home is full of stuff that don't belong where it is. My dining room table and chairs were 15 years old, I hated parting with them but the cats had scratched up the legs real bad.

I am sorry you felt that way. I did too. This is what I meant by "not knowing where to put myself". You know, the remark about building a prison for yourself may just be a way to encourage you to sometimes take a bit more of a risk of becoming restless. The idea being that it is better to develop ways of dealing with this restlessness than to avoid more and more, which could lead to phobia. You probably know all that anyway. I sometimes feel I am avoiding risk too much, so then I do a bit more.
It makes me more confident when I find a coping skill that works for me, more in control, but I do not like being dislodged from where I am by negative statements. It works a lot better to remind me of the last time something did work for me and how happy I was about it. I am very much a hedgehog whenever anyone tries to "correct" me by negative statements. Where I come from were very negative people. They were not interested in me, just in getting as much glory and praise about me for themselves as possible. So I forbade them to show everyone my paintings. Later on I learned people in my family were grateful for that suddenly stopping and they laughed when they found out why. Couldn't stop them from bragging about my school grades, though.

I did try out a couple of things too, and even so it took me a couple of hours and a nap to get over it, just like you.

For me, this is the next day, BTW. I am really enjoying this sharing with you. How are you today?

I got confused about that...why were they grateful? Also do you paint? What is your style? What do you paint?
That is so neat about the vet ambulance.
My vet is about ten blocks away. A golden safety net was thrown to me when Morgy died. I have a very close friend named John. We never ask each other favors. I debated whether to call him to go to the vet's with me with Morgy and Hammy but then didn't. The boys loved John. It was a snowy morning. Wouldn't you know I had walked two blocks and I ran into John...some miracle. HE WENT WITH ME TO THE VET'S AND SAID GOODBYE TO MORGY'S BODY.
if i understand, you wound up taking in the dining room set...that is so neat...in NYC they throw out really good things too and each area has a special day. Some people almost make a living out of it. We have great thrift shops. When I was younger I used to haunt them.
A couple of years ago I bought a lot of furniture on EBAY. All Chinese and Tibetan. Some have animals painted on it. I just adore the pieces. I bought them from the wholesalechinese dealer. He said ABC carpet, an expensive well known store in Manhattan sells his furnishings for four times what he sells the for on Ebay. Oh I also got a leather couch which Abby scratches and two Italian chairs..like Fornali(sp)unique....abby is going after the stuffing on one of them. Yuki prefers the wooden pieces, especially the altar desk and chair and the high Tibetan cabinet. I live for my animals and not for my furniture lol.
Restlessness is an excellent word. How can it give one so much discomfort it causes so much suffering. Isolating yourself I guess isn't the answer but when one can't concentrate on anything while it is happening, I find it hard to distract myself. Mild restlessness is sort of easy. I usually read at least a frivolous book a day. I follow the stock market. Now I am half following our upcoming elections but they are triggering me too much. I am an Obama fan.
Are there any comments about a woman and a black man running for president over there? I used to be a news junky and had the tv on 24 hours a day. Now for almost two years, maybe I have watched 48 hours total.
I too really enjoy our "conversations"...you are also a natural born writer....I can't believe your command of English...I don't know anybody who has a better command, especially with style
Bobby
ps thank God yesterday is over

why were they grateful? Well ... you know how it goes at family gatherings. Mom does not only get my latest "work of art" out, but also every time all the previous one's. It just became too embarrassing for me. I did a few good one's, as I can see now, but ... too much is too much.
At the time, it was mainly pencil drawings, charcoal and watercolours. The one I liked best was a portrait of Siddharta that really looked at you. An old bearded fella with really tired, wise eyes. I have not done any art for quite some time. Am actually thinking of starting again because I miss doing something creative. I did a few nice pottery things a couple of years back. I like beads, knitting, cutting and glueing, most things really but I do like to work finely, so woodburning is not for me. Enaemeling also not.

You like Chinese and Tibetan? Have you heard of Judge Tie? A series of books by Robert van Gulik? I am such a big fan. My daughter is into Japanese a lot lately. She is watching fan-subs in the same room as me and it sounds real funny at times.

Frivolous books: Terry Pratchett. The best laugh ever, but also magical and somehow, he shows you so clearly every single person has their own unique character and strengths and their own part to play within the universe, whether they like it or not.

Comments about the sex or skin of the presidency candidates? That is so "not done" around here. They do have opinions about the candidates, the gossips and speculations as to what they would mean to USA and the world in general.

Yes, the last few years I also did not watch TV very much. Sometimes I miss it and try to hang onto a series, or I organize a TV-evening with somebody, you know, we go over what's on the tube together and plan two movies, then I take care of dinner and TV-snacks and -drinks. It's lovely.

I am stunned and very honoured by your compliments in the end of your message. Hope to "read" you again soon.

i have been exhausted..that is why i haven't written sooner...almost like a hangover..don't know if it is depression or what..my ideas aren't depressed except for last thursday night which was the worse in years.
were you trained as as artist or did you just pick it up....i love when the painting looks back at you no matter where you stand...it brings it alive...I read Hesse's Siddhartha(sp) a long time ago but don't remember -i just remember suffering..i think...oh of course you know that many famous people who are creative are bipolar...I love all kinds of art..one of my favorite is john marin, an american. he made his watercolors move...i didn't know anything about american art until an american artist told me about Charles Burchfield who I simply adore...i haven't seen a Burchfield I haven't liked, and another american artist who told me about Marin and some others...I had just known about the European artists.
Do you have to be in the mood or do you just have to just sit down and inspiration strikes?
I just bought one of the authors you mentioned on amazon.com with the Chinese dectective and put a bid on the author on ebay. I have about 1000 books in my apartment to read. I buy usually in "lots" on ebay of the frivolous easy reading books...so I accumulated a lot...they wind up costing twenty and thirty cents a book.
Today I was thinking it might be harder to love an independent person...they don't have a quality of neediness that you find in more dependent people even though they need love probably more...what do you think? It is fine to disagree with me...lol
Bobby
ps john marin http://www.nga.gov/cgi-bin/pinfo?Object=66783+0+none
charles burchfield http://store.encore-editions.com/art...urchfield.html

I have stayed away from the board because I was beginning to misbehave. I got upset somehow, overwrought or something. I have read your thread "depression" to an extent. It stands to reason the iron regularity required for diabetes is real hard for us to do. I hope you are feeling okay today as much as you can.

I had a look at the two artists. My style would usually be closer to burchfield than the other. I have not painted for a couple of years. Everything I used to enjoy somehow got tainted by some people around me. Right now I am too depressed, I know I would be so much happier if I did certain things again that I used to do but can't make myself do them. They are all either made to be not mine any more or coupled with anxiety. That does not mean I give up.

Somehow I feel I am so ready to make a change, I am desperately looking for something that I can use to lift myself out. I know the last couple of years I have done the things everyone needs but does not like to do out of fear, and not done things because I enjoy them. Another motivation for the procrastrination was avoiding the anxiety I still feel as a result of old and recent trauma, I was told by a psychiatrist. It is like a wounded animal keeping still and hiding in order to heal, only I am through with it. I just don't know how to overcome the anxiety that attacks me any time I try to move.

So, I thought of this: I have a notebook that I will keep close. In it I will make a list of all the things I would love to do before I die. Regardless of whether they seem to be feasible. Small things, big things, anything.
Also I will pay close attention to what I do like to do out of my procrastrinating activities. Like you said to me I write so well. That pointed out to me, that, yes, I like to write. So I will find a course in writing short stories and try to flog them on the net. This is something I have never done before, hence untainted, and it is creative. Thanks a million for that.

In this notebook I will also write down how and where I would like to live in 10 years, and what I would like to be doing with my time, and who I would like to be able to physically see regularly. These things are all positive. I will look at them regularly and so I will automatically start to see everything I encounter in the light of their usefulness for the things in this notebook.
Just trying to replace all the "shoulds" in my life, which is all there currently is, with "I would love to's".

I really do hope you bid on the book-version of the china-author. There is also a comic-version, which does it no justice whatsoever. The beauty is in the accurate description of details of daily life, environments, thoughts which are all missing in the comic. This guy was the greatest sinologist of his time and wrote these books because he felt sorry for the chinese, who had lost so much of their own culture. Certain aspects of this culture were weird and sick but a lot of valuable aspects have been destroyed alongside the bad parts by MAO's revolution.

:hug:

I will write more a little later but I sent you a private message ...you can see it when looking at the screen in the upper right hand corner where it says welcome
Bobby

I did buy a book but i forgot the name of it from amazon.com
I read the I Ching, Book of Changes, book of Chinese wisdom for years and years and it is also an oracle.
I THINK YOUR IDEA OF WRITING IS TRULY EXCITING...i can't take any pressure anymore. i have no plans for the next ten years or dreams. I would have loved to see Kashmir though. As long as it doesn't pressure you and put more shoulds on your plate, i think it is a fascinating idea. looking backwards is painful.
how did you misbehave or you can private message me. Another often found trait in a bipolar is self criticism beyond the norm and feelings of failure.
Bobby
I would like your style of painting!
i equate isolating as wandering in the desert