My pdoc only upped the Lamictal to 100. She wants to go slow with her being out of town and my reflectance to seek out help if I need it.

She said something that really hit home. She told me to "Be like a tree". She explained to me that there is nothing within the tree that sucks the life sustaining moisture out of the ground and up into every tip of every branch. She said it is the presence of an external pressure that lifts water to each of the trees branches: Evaporation. Evaporation lifts the water out of the ground and up through the tree.

She told me this so I recognize that we all need external help to keep going sometimes. Modern psychology seems to tell us we should all be able to stand on our own, that the push to succeed, or to become well, must come from inside ourselves. I guess she is helping me recognize that asking for help is not a bad thing, but an ordinary act of an ordinary person.

I decided to go with more ECTs the first week of August when she gets back. I know they worked before and I have to get better quick. I'm having them Mon, Wed and Friday as an out-patient. I don't remember how many I had before but I think 8.

I remember when I had them before and I went into the treatment room. I panicked when I saw the Dr and nurses...thoughts like, "I think I've made a mistake, I don't think I want to do this, I'm scared", were going through my mind. The anesthesiologist held my hand and said, "it's okay we are all here to make sure you are safe". I was still terrified, but that made me feel better.

The next thing I knew I woke up to the sound of myself crying (I had been crying as I went under the anesthetic. The doctor said this sometimes happens during the first treatment). For a few moments (seconds) I was pretty scared. It felt like I was in a nightmare crying and trying to get up, but my body was still asleep. Within a few seconds I opened my eyes. I felt really drowsy and it took maybe 7-8 minutes for me to fully come to. It does cause a lot of headaches and the day of treatment every muscle in your body hurts but they give you something, I'm not sure what it was. The more I had the more confused I was coming out of the anesthesia. Every once in a while I can't find the word I need to complete a sentence and I have a lot of holes in my memory.But these treatments worked and she believes it will work quicker than waiting for the Lamictal to kick in.

And I didn't have the courage to tell her about what happened and now she's on vacation.

Dear BJ,

Your pdoc sounds good.
I love her talk about the tree and her reminding you that we depend on others.

Your description of ECT is detailed -- it sounds like you remember a great deal.

Some people can feel the Lamictal a little at 100 mgs. Maybe you will feel it take the edge off a little.

Mari

BJ

Good luck I don't know anything about this treatment. But I agree
you discribe it really well. Good luck with this.

Donna

I wish it would take the edge off but right now there's only one way and I have the welts on my wrists to prove it. I remember the first ECT quite well but the more I had the more memory I lost. Some of it is coming back now but there's big gaps. Maybe I don't want to remember.

I've been having strange dreams, nightmares this past week. I found a message board and there's a lady there who reads people or something and she had this to say about me when I had mentioned something about my dreams:

Hi BJ:

Family group is the soul people group that re incarnated with
you in this lifetime. We choose to come back with souls that we
have known in other lifetimes. In a previous life you had a
very hard life with abuse and you chose to leave your life
early. You came back to try again. You have had such burdens
even in this lifetime & I feel suicide very strong in the current family.
I lost my son to a suicide, and I can pick up the feeling around certain people.

You shine like a bright light to me, and I can feel such love
and sadness around you. I just wanted to send you a hug, but
not get into your personal business. Your mother, father and brother
are fine. Just think of them & they will be there with you.
They come to surround you with their love.

I guess it's true about being in your genes.

Dear BJ,
What is your genes? Bipolar?
What are you saying?

Because I think that we do have a certain amount of control over how our lives go. . . especially in terms of choices and decisions that we make.

If one chooses to believe that they are worthy and deserving of help -- that is a decision and not based on genes or past life experience.

That "reading" you got about about past lives is pretty standard stuff.
Many people who talk about past lives say that people kind of chose the families they have now.
But what we do in the here and now is not part of a past life. It is part of this life. How we live this life is totally up to us. We can live it as fully as possible. We can live it honestly. We can use kindness toward ourselves. That kind of thing.

Not sure if this makes sense.
If you want to read about how we are to live in this life, read the introduction part of
Edgar Cayce on the Akashic Records: The Book of Life
by Kevin J. Todeschi


Mari

PS
I read the book back in dec 06 according to amazon so I am very new to this and not an expert. I'm just sharing what I read..

I feel that my job in this life is to stay alive. Seriously. That is my goal. . . . stay alive and be good to the people in my life, ESPECIALLY myself.

Dear BJ,
I was trying to be helpful in that last post -- not sure if I succeeded.

I think that your thinking is distorted right now and I worry about you.
I want you to know that you are going to get better. Part of that is BELIEVING that you can get better.

And you do seem to believe that.
Taking steps with your pdoc for the ECT is part of that process in getting help for yourself. So that seems like something good -- that you are involved in getting better.

I'm sending prayers and hope.
Hold on to yourself.
Mari

What I meant was in my genes was suicide, I don't know about bipolar.

I never ever told that woman about Mark's suicide, or my attempts. She just picked it up.

I believe you that she picked it up.

I hope that you can find ways to heal.
That is my prayer for you.
Mari

BJ I have been thinking and praying for you.

I see a wonderful strond person. Please remember how caring you are.
We love you.

I have been taking care of my mother, but you have been in my
heart.

Donna