(((BJ))) This doctor of your's sounds like an answer to everyone's prayers. Don't keep anything to yourself. Let her know how you are doing and feeling.

And yes, monster headaches can really mess with your entire system. Do what she says and again, keep in touch with her. Much love to you. :hug:

My pdoc said I should go to the ER. I can't keep anything down, my head's splitting and I can't stop shaking.

I so agree with her dearheart...did she offer to meet you there? Are you going to try and drive yourself? Keeping you in my heart and prayers. :hug:

oh no....
i am so sorry girlie....
((((((HUGS))))))
bizi

Dear BJ,
You did great talking to your pdoc about what is happening.
I hope that the ER docs fix you.
Mari

I just got home a few minutes ago. I was severely dehydrated so they gave me fluids with something in it to relax me. They told me even if I don’t feel like eating I have to force myself to drink. She told me when I have treatments this week they’ll give me something before and after for the nausea and hopefully the neuro wrap will alleviate some of the headaches after.

My pdoc did meet me there this time as promised. My elderly lady friend who watches Hooper sometimes for me drove me there, actually Hooper went for the ride too. She told me to call her when I could come home but I took a taxi instead. I'm so exhausted because I couldn't sleep there with all the noise. It's a trauma center and it's almost like ER.

I am so glad you are safe. Your doctor sounds like a gem. That is more than half the battle. It is amazing what life hands us.
Bobby

(((BJ))) I'm so glad that you went and that the doc did meet you. I hope what they did for you has alleviated that splitting head pain. I haven't had ECT but I surely know what head pain does. No wonder you've been having difficulty eating. Rest up and yes don't forget the fluids! So important with head pain.

Much love to you. :heartthrob:

thank you for posting my friend...rest as much as you can, you are gong thru so much stress your body needs to rest.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

I’m losing a lot of my memory. I didn’t even remember Benton’s gone. I came home in a panic because I couldn’t find him and I called Mrs. S who told me that he’s gone. I’ve been crying because I miss him so much. Mrs S told me that the doc told her when I woke up from the anesthesia yesterday I was making a motion like I was cutting myself. It’s just not working. I have such a strong urge to cut right now it’s unbelievable. I’m weak, tired, my head hurts and I’m just so confused about everything. I want this to work, I don’t want to cut but I need my memory or else I might lose my job. I don’t know if I can do this again tomorrow.

Love ya BJ
 

These therapists,and doctors don't really fathom how deep these things are,and they are deep. They couldn't,unless they have experienced it first hand. I grind my teeth in my sleep. Why do I? Deep.

Hang in there. Call your doctor as soon as you can again.Tell her all of your symptoms.

Love ya sweetie. I understand the depth of these problems. I wish that a bunch of us could live in a dorm, and help each other through the day,and night.

I'm glad that we have this website. BF

Dear BJ,
You can refuse treatment.
The pdoc is trying to help. She will listen to you.
Mari

Dear BJ
 

Are you OK? Talk to your doctor. Tell her all that you are concerned about. Talk about all of the symptoms. What about medications? BF

I'm worried about you BJ

Let us know how you are.

Donna

Dear BJ,
'Hoping that you are feeling safe and ok.
Maybe you are feeling some improvement.
Mari

I don't know what to say or write anymore. I’ve been too sick and nauseous to do much of anything.

There were a couple bad days, but for me, I was doing pretty good. And now that peace is gone. I know the trigger. There's nothing I can do to get away from it. I'm making lots of conscious effort to combat what's going on inside my head, but it's having very little effect. There's this great blackness taking over me.

I cry everyday when I get up. I would sleep all day if I could shut off this hateful internal dialogue for more than a few minutes. I abandon everything I try to do because the voice in my head keeps telling me what I'm doing isn't good enough, makes no difference, or is useless. I've wanted to reply to several posts here but just kept thinking how stupid my responses sounded so I never replied to any.

My elderly lady friend who’s been taking me for treatments fell and broke her hip yesterday and they’re going to operate on Monday and then she’ll be going to rehab. I can’t even go up to see her because I can’t drive. I took Hooper to the school yesterday just 2 blocks away and couldn’t remember how to get home. I felt so stupid asking someone how to get back. They probably thought I was drunk because my eyes were all swollen from crying.

I had to call the hospital and tell them I have no way to get there for treatments. Now they’re sending one of those old people buses to pick me up and take me home. I hate going there alone but I have no choice. I’ve had 6 bilateral ECTs so far and I have 3 more this week. I’m just waiting for a miracle because I can't stand all the side effects from these. I feel like a zombie walking around.

I want to feel again so I did as I have done in the past. It had no effect so I tried something else and it worked. I feel stupid, but I need to feel.

Thank you for reaching out to me Bizi :hug:

time for a miracle
 

Dear BJ,
You are holding up really well.
I hope that you start feeling better.
If I see any miracles, I will send them your way.
I think you are due for a miracle.

In the meantime, stay out of the car and stay home. Hopper will be patient and good while you go through some time. He's ok. Please.


Mari

I really have no choice Mari. I’m so afraid of going out. I drink bottled water and ran out but I did find 48 bottles of Propel in my pantry. I must have been hypo or something because I don’t even recall buying it.

My pdoc called this afternoon to see how I’m doing. She knows that I’m upset about Mrs. S but can’t do anything about it. She told me after my treatment on Friday they talked about my progress. What they’ve decided is to increase the voltage and the duration of the seizure this week. If that doesn’t work they won’t give me anymore treatments. I’ll probably have a lot of side effects but if she can’t call she’ll have someone from her office call to check on me several times a day. But she promised she’d be there tomorrow since she knows that I’m going alone. They’re going to keep my out a little longer and I won’t be able to leave until the fog clears.

She’s really sure that this will work. She wants me to pretend that Friday’s my birthday and she wants me to make a list of what I want to be or what I want to happen and give it to her tomorrow. She knows that I’ve been SIing again and I honestly think she’s trying to keep my mind busy so I don’t do it.

This is what I want for my "new" birthday:

I am disabled by my depression right now, but I am NOT my disability.
I will accept my disability as a blessing and a gift that allows me the opportunity to grow into the human being I am meant to become.
I will be here today, and present now.
I will not worry about tomorrow.
I will soak up today.
I will see all the beauty in the world, like a new child, through my new eyes.
My life will be full of beauty, and I will recognize that.
My new life will be full of love and I will pass that on.
My new life will be full of compassion, for myself and for others.
I will accept my mental illness as the catalyst, the mother and the origin of, my new and improved life.
And what I told her was I want ice cream.

I just hope my wishes come true.

I wish these things for you as well.
I agree with mari, that it is time for some happyness for you, some contentment...some peace of mind that you are making progress.
keep taking it a day at a time...I know that sounds tritebut know that it really is about taking those baby steps in the same direction....2 steps forward, one step back, brush yoursel foff, 2 steps forward one step back.
"Fall down 7 times get up 8"
I am rooting for you.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

I am rooting for you too! Big time. I think you have really made progress.
You will have set backs I am sure but that is to be expected. You really sound as if you are finally getting the help you need. I don't think some of us can do it without external help. I know my psychiatrist is my external rock and I see him every other week for maybe fifteen minutes. Those fifteen minutes are so important and if anybody had ever told me that before I started seeing him seven years ago I would have thought they were crazy.
Here we all care so much about you. I hope you can feel it.
Bobby

Dear BJ,

Today is Wednesday.
You have two more days until Friday.
I am counting down with you.


You have a powerful b-day list :)

Good luck BJ. 'Sending lots of prayers and good vibes.
M.

Just for you:
 

:icecream::icecream::icecream:

My pdoc was very impressed with my list. I added a few more to it but don't remember what it was now. Now she had me write a letter to my mom and tell her how I'm doing. It was really hard because I wanted to just pick up the phone and call my mom but I can't.

The bus is picking me up early today. I didn't get picked up until 11:30 on Monday and didn't get home until almost 8PM. I had such a hard time with the anesthesia and they wouldn't let me go until I ate something and kept it down. She gave me something really strong for the headaches and I've been sleeping a lot. I still have a headache but I'm hoping that this will all be worth it. It's a good thing Hooper's a lap dog because she's watching over me. :) She doesn't leave my side and just cuddles and sleeps with her head on my leg.

I just can't wait to have my strawberry ice cream on Friday. :icecream:

your pdoc sounds amazing!
that was a long day.....
will you be done this week with your treatments?
What is happening friday?
bizi

Today's my last treatment Bizi. I'll be glad when it's over and I told my pdoc no more. I'm tired of the unrelenting headaches and feeling so tired. I sleep all day of the treatment and I'm freezing from the anesthesia all the time even though it's in the 80's. Maybe my mood is lifting but I can't feel it right now. It's so hard to even think straight. But I haven't cut in 3 days and for me that's progress. My pdoc told me that maybe once it's over and I'm feeling better physically my mood will lift. As soon as the fog clears she told me to get outside and walk Hooper but just go around the block where I don't get lost. I don't feel though it seems as "dark". I do feel that I can do this. I had a dream last night and my mom talked to me. I don't remember much but I do remember her saying "I'm proud of you honey". And I want to make her proud.

The "young" people bus is picking me up at 8AM today. It took a really long time for me to wake up Wednesday and I got sick again. I hope today I'll be able to eat cake at my "new" birthday party.

:D I'll be sitting right next to you on the bus. *grin Thinking of you and praying. :hug:

Good news, BJ.
You've been through quite a lot these last three weeks.
Feel good now that it is over and you have other things to look forward too.
Mari

9 treatments down and all I feel is like they've rearranged the furniture in my head. My head is splitting and I know I'm dehydrated but I can't keep anything down.

BJ,
Did you call the pdoc yet and let her know what is happening?
Maybe you need to go to the ER.

Mari

sorry I just caught up with this thread...yes I agree with mari, you may need medical intervention.
let us hear from you.
I am so glad that you are done with the treatments.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi:hug:

My pdoc told me to go last night but I couldn't get there. I tried to cover my eyes and sleep but I was afraid to move I would be sick again. I called the hospital and they're coming to pick me up with the bus this morning. There's a man on the corner of my street who's having chemo and when they pick him up they'll pick me up. I've tried to drink but finally gave up and nothing's touching my headache.

Dear BJ,
I'm glad that you are going into the hospital. They will help you with the fluids and the headaches.
You have endured a lot. Let them take care of you.
Mari

thinking of you today.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

BJ
 

We are thinking about you. Let us know when your back home. None of this is your fault. Go easy on yourself.:hug::hug::hug::hug:

Wow. This is the first time I've read this thread and I have to say I was just in awe. You are amazing! I mean that. Your determination is nothing short of inspiring.
Good job on making the decision to let the hospital help with the fluids and headaches. I hope you are feeling better.