I have a new tdoc appointment today. I agree that how comfortable I feel with her will be the most important thing.

I did ask them some questions when they called me to set up the appointment:

How many years in practice? (8+ yrs)

Have you counseled many people with my diagnosis? (yes)

Can I bring in projects, photos, writing? (yes)

Is there any no suicide/no SI clause? (no)

Are you available outside of session? (yes)

Do you have someone to cover for you when you are not available (vacation)? (yes)

Is your office a safe place to explore my feelings? (definitely)

Will we be using DBT skills? (yes)

I talked to her on the phone and it seemed like we were going to hit it off. She talked at ease and seemed very comfortable and it sounded like she truly understood my problems and my need to seek and get help. I told her I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin half the time and she seemed to know where I was coming from. I told her I have a hard time talking about things, how I disassociate and how I seem to wander away. I’m a nervous wreck but I want to get on with this and tell everything. I need to get so many things out in the open and I need help with the SI.


Is there anything else I should ask them in the initial interview to get a good feel for her? I want this to work so bad and don’t want to mess this one up too.

Wow!
I am so proud of you.
This is wonderful what you did....I think that you already hit it off and could jsut follow her lead and see how it goes.
great that you are doing this.
wonderful!!!!!
thanks for sharing...have been wondering how you are doing.
I don't like it when you are quiet....makes me worry.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Dear BJ,
Those are good questions.
I think that the interview/session will go well. Crossing my fingers.
Mari

Wow, I never would have thoght for all that, I would just had hoped for the best. It sounds like a gem to work with and polish it up as you both go along.
di

I almost didn’t go because I had a huge panic attack in the car and couldn’t breathe. Thank goodness I went an hour early because I figured this might happen.

It was a long session, over 2 hours and I’m drained but I think this might work. I gave her permission to talk to my old tdoc and my pdoc so she knew a lot about me already. After all the intros and nuances we got down to business. She asked me how I felt talking to her and I said very uncomfortable. But I tried my hardest to tell her everything and I did, except one thing. I told her about Mark, about my dad and how my mom suffered in silence. She did throw me when she said I have to “remember to heal”. I know I’ve blocked a lot of pain out of my life but I don’t know how to do that. It’s hard to go there that’s why I disassociate.

Then she started to talk about what my tdoc and pdoc said. That is I’m unreachable, they can’t get to what’s inside of me. I lost it and burst out in tears. She started on the disassociation and I interrupted her and said please I have no parts and don’t ask them to come out. She did calm me down and we went on. She said we have a lot of work to do, we have to break down the barriers or else it’s going to break me and that she’d help me in any way she can but I have to work too. She wants me to blog or journal and show her everything I’ve written. She only allows 2 emails a week but will take calls 24 hrs a day. She said she needs to here my voice to understand where I’m coming from.

My pdoc recommended her because she highly skilled in EMDR. I never even heard of that before until she said it. It does sound highly intense though and I don’t know if I can go there yet.

My pdoc comes home on Saturday and that will be such a relief. I’ve felt so lost without her but I’m proud of myself for only calling her twice when I was feeling really bad.

I do have one more thing to get out, the thing that’s destroying me inside. I start a series of 9 ECTs on Monday and my pdoc gave me her word that she would be there. I told her how scared I was because last time I was in the hospital and this time it’s being down as an outpatient. So my plan is that when they give me the IV to knock me out I’m going to tell her. I won’t be awake to see the expression on her face and when I come to it won’t be there.

Wow, Bj that sounds all good to me.
I am so glad that you trusted her enough to tell her all about your self and the past issues that continue to haunt you.
You did a good job and I am sure it was so hard/draining to go thru all of that.
It is never easy starting out with a new therapist.
She wants to help you....you can be sure of that.
And you want to heal yourself...
I am proud of you and thank you for sharing.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi
IMO....just send your pdoc the letter.....

That's good that you like your therapist and feel that she is on your side.
EMDR can help people resolve stuff from their past.

Keep writing as much as you can. It will help you and help her so she can help you.

Good luck with the ECT. Maybe being outpatient will make it go better this time.

Mari

ME BP

I love the way you handled this new doctor. And I love the way she was so open with you. Way to go. You are going to be able to handle this well.

I'm so proud of you.

YOu are a shining light.

Donna

I’ve been thinking a lot about some of the things she said yesterday about accepting that I’m mentally ill.

If I could accept I had a mental illness; not just say it, or understand what that is, but really accept that some of what goes on in my head and with my body is out of my control I think I might begin to let go and to get better.

If I could stop fighting against the suicidal ideation, the self loathing and SI, the anxiety, the intense fatigue, the lack of motivation, the absolute terror and fear of being left alone, or being embarrassed, or being rejected; if I could accept these are symptoms I cannot control, I might be able to relax and stop trying so hard to get rid of them.

I need to find it within myself to ACCEPT I can do what I can and I can try to do things. I can hang on, and survive, but I cannot CONTROL all my symptoms. I need to learn that have an illness where what you can and cannot control is ambiguous. I need to believe that I am trying as hard as I can to get better, and that is all anyone wants me to do.

I was so grateful last night when my pdoc called to ask me how it went. I asked her about the EMDR and she said it’s used for people who have PTSD and this new tdoc is a specialist in it. She said you have to be very careful before doing EMRD and the tdoc has to be extremely well trained because for some people EMDR can break down the dissociative barriers and a psychotic breakdown can happen. But she believe that in time I should consider this.

I asked her again if she’d be there Monday and she said absolutely. Today I have to have blood work done and an EKG. Then I’m meeting with the anesthesiologist and the guy that’s doing the treatments.

What an insightful post to wake up to....
keeping you in my thoughts today.
you are making progress...keep up this work...you are worth it....
I can't imagine how hard this is....
bizi