I feel like I am stuck in a large iron cube with a tornado inside....

I can't get out the words I need to say... tdoc laughed this week because I kept changing the subject.... I didn't mean to... didn't even realize I was doing it... guess I'm just not ready to deal with the tough stuff.

If anyone has any ideas how I can break out of this cube or calm the tornado in my head I would greatly appreciate any and all ideas.


Abbie

oh abby,
I am sorry that you are having this tornado in your head.
Maybe you could journal what it is that you are going to talk about ahead of time to practice saying it...
I don't know.
Do you think your meds are working for you?
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

I don't think you were here when i had been posting time ago. Pleased to meet you.

I know what you mean. I have all kinds of behaviours - including but not limited to the derailment of conversation you mention - to avoid the hard core get down to the nitty gritty grisly....

this year i have been ... i won't say formally "journalling" ... but writing. i haven't been recently due to being holed up with anxiety/depression, and indeed my sessions are haywire right now.

ok but what i found was, when i would go out... to a cafe - or a park - or your home - or wherever you feel "ok" ... keep a notebook. sometimes, i like unlined paper or squares... it doesn't really matter. the thing is... write the date, and start writing something of the topic you would like to cover - the present is best, how are you feeling about it in the NOW...

DERAIL AS MUCH AS YOU LIKE!!! First, you are not likely to derail as much (chit chat, small talk, etc... tho feel free.) thing is you can read back to yourself and... then come back to business. i have found that i usually do comeback to business. i have also found that certain derailments take me interesting places, therapeutically.

in general, through writing i have found i often end up, in my mind, with some synthesis of the long thought process that did the writing. the synthesis i can then take to therapy and be a step ahead... so i'm doing therapy outside of therapy essentially.

before therapy i try to spend a few minutes just making a check-list/reminder of anything i've conjured up through writing... feelings, patterns, behaviors, connections, whatever. then i bring my notebook to therapy and we start from there, thus skipping any and all written derailment, and who cares if there's pages of it! i occasionally read excerpts from my notes, where, say i might have a certain concept or "revelation" expressed concisely... why flounder... i can just read it off without........ derailing or risking not getting it across right.

well, so this between session note-making has helped me a lot, and when i asked for my pdoc's feedback on our progress, he said he was pleased and that our sessions are much more productive and less "scattered" since i started doing that.

i will add that i have made tangible progress in therapy this year. i think this writing, tho not the only factor, has contributed. i actually moved past one nasty issue which i now feel much "lighter" about. Furthermore, some of the writing during that process also brought to light more general issues and we are now working on those, oh joy.

Well, good luck to you!

~ waves ~

Abbie,

One of my therapists asked me if I've ever been tested for ADDA or whatever for adults. She told me that attention deficit will cause some one to talk off subject.

Waves, I like the advice you gave. I am glad to see you posting again.

befuddled2

Thank you all!!

I haven't journaled in quite a while... since my old computer caught fire...

I have tried but I get stuck and it just doesn't make any sense...not to me anyway. Right now my Tdoc doesn't want me to journal as she is afraid that I will open up something that I just can't work through on my own and she's a bit afraid that it may send me over the edge.

I won't journal but maybe I can write down some "concerns" and "thoughts" so I can maybe stay on track...

I think my meds are working... I don't go from zero to freak out as much as I used to... my tdoc did mention rapid cycling... she asked if I had ever heard of it... I said I had heard of it. She thinks I may be rapid cycling.

I have been having to take 1.5mg Klonopin 3 times a day just to stay at a lesser anxiety/panic level for the past week and a half. I've been taking my Cymbalta and Seroquel in before going to bed... I wonder if I should spread them apart a bit???

Lots of emotions are mixed up in this tornado... I can't talk about the MAJOR thing my tdoc is trying to work me through... I've had it buried for 24 yrs... I never wanted to ever think of it again let alone talk about it... I don't know how it spilled out of my mouth but it did... now I have to deal with it and I really don't want to... I want to bury it again.

I see the Pdoc on Monday...another new one...I think it's just for a medicine check..make sure I have enough and see how things are going.

I see the Tdoc on Wednesday....

I'm still open to any suggestions on how to beat or calm this tornado...

Thank you all for your help... As you all know...I'm only 3 months into the officially diagnosed BP world... it's scary.

for all,
Abbie

Abby,

How much Seroquel?
Yes, that could be something along the lines of rapid cycling.
What you describe sounds close to what I call racing thoughts (I have no idea what racing thoughts really mean). . . or maybe something close to a mixed state. (that's another phrase that I am probably misusing -- my pdocs did not talk technical terminology with me so I did not learn them except from reading.)

I'm soooooo out of it tonight (can't think straight) but I have some thoughts.

When I can't deal with what is going on in my head, sometimes I have to take it out of my head -- go physical.

I apologize for not remembering your physical status -- I do remember that it is difficult.

Having said that, it used to help me to DO something different. . . . make a change . . . . take a different route in the car . . . buy a new fruit at the store. . try a new recipe. . . see an Imax movie or some other movie that completely overwhelms me for 2 hours.

Also,
-Meditation:
Just sit still and focus on a spot in the garden or on the wall and sit quietly and listen to yourself breathe.

-Self-talk:
You already do this. Keep doing this. Talk yourself into feeling better eventually.

-Talking it out:
I used to borrow my friend's dog and go have a chat with the dog.

-Giving yourself a pedicure or manicure

-Foot massage

-Acupuncture as you noted in a different thread

-I took a pottery class a few summers ago and benefitted greatly from it. My pieces looked like crap. I think I only kept one. But I was working with my hands (not in my head) and focusing. And it was more about process than results. It helped me slow down and be patient.
This reminds me that I used to love to bake bread.
I was a good cure for anxiety.


Some of these don't work for me any more.
We change.
You'll find your "tool box" -- in some therapy practices patients are encouraged to actually put together a box of stuff that they can pull out when they need it -- pictures, CDs, card, fabric swatches with texture, small gifts from earlier days. ----anything that helps make them ok.

Walking and then Yoga saved my life.

I used to keep a journal different from the journal that others are talking about here.
I felt it important to record my day. I would write what happened. Sometimes I would only write a few sentences about what I had done, where I had gone, what had come up. Other times I would write more. I guess the journals were kind of like Star Trek "ship's log." I wanted a record of my day.
I'm not sure of what the purpose was but I felt that they were very important and have saved them (a rough guess makes me think that I might have 15+ years of journals -- don't feel like looking in the closet and looking at dates -- I started this in the old days before computers and even after computers kept up the handwriting.)
I was an almost daily habit I felt good about.

Mari

You are a very wise woman Mari,
I thank you for your suggestions they help me too.


Abbie, some part of you must feel ready to deal with this issue of long ago. and that is why it slipped out.
but you are the master of yourself and therapy and get to decide what you work on in therapy and what you don't.
remember the therapist is working for you.
bizi

Dear Abbie,

I'm not sure what I posted last night.
I should have stayed away from the computer.
That last post doesn't make sense to me now.

Those things I wrote worked occasionally for depression -- not for racing thoughts / rapid cycling / or any similiar variation.

For a sitatuation that you describe, here is what worked.

--very loud angry music on old fashioned speakers -- not the ear bud junk.
I liked early Mellissa Etheridge and Guns and Roses. The others I cannot remember

--sleep

--perhaps exercise


That's it. Meds help.

So, I am sorry I wasted your time if you read any of that.
Find what works for you, get better, then if you wish you can report on what works.



p!ssed off lyrics from Mellissa Etheridge:
The words to all Guns and Roses songs are awful -- but I was playing the album loud in order to drown out the sounds in my head . . . .did not pay any attention to the words.


Abbie, I wish I had some actual help for you.
What you describe is difficult and my heart goes out to you.



Mari

I don't have anything to add except that I hope you'll feel more comfortable.

befuddled2

((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))) )))))
bizi