today sucks. i am in a miscellaneous bad mood. i will say right off, i am pre-menstrual so some goes with the territory i guess.

mom wants (needs) me to pack up my box of christmas wrappings/trimmings to put back in the garage, as well as (unsaid but i know it) clean up my living area since it is the living room. the reason is we need a carpenter to come up. it doesn't make sense to call him till the place is presentable since he usually will come right away at least to survey for what work needs done.

my mom had asked me nicely yesterday, adding if i felt able, and i really had intention to attempt it. i feel overwhelmed by the task (it involves a pile of stuff on top... to be sorted/cut out - keep toss tidy fit into box etc). well since i didn't feel well i kept putting it off and finally told myself i could break it into parts, or even do some other tidying thing first, but in the end did nothing.

well, i had a pdoc appointment on tuesday afternoon evening and got a lot of hot-cold-hot-cold transitions during the travel. so i think i had a physical setback. that evening i was exhausted. yesterday significant low grade fever again. idiotically, skipped the garlic yesterday (bad timing duhhh). but today my temp is normal again. the past two days i have slept over 12 out of 24 hours, even if partly broken sleep.

last night i said something to my mom about if she needed (something specific, i forget what) and my dad replied instead saying i knew what i could do that would make mom happy. so i said to her, what, did you talk to him about 'the box', and she said no, about the carpenter... so she probably mentioned having the living room presentable. well dad's little indirect comment really rubbed me the wrong way.

well, yesterday i was really fatigued, fine. today i just feel like crud, emotionally. i am eating myself alive with self doubt and feeling hopeless about my abilities to do anything - like WORK! or study! - when i can't even pick through/pack up some gift-wrapg materials to put away. it's not exactly mentally OR physically challenging! hellloooo????

i also feel that part of me is resisting doing it just because of his little push. like i am pushing back... because i am mad about it, especially when i was unwell. it is hypersensitive on my part i think... but i can't get over the feelings... or just ACT IN SPITE of my feelings, to be USEFUL, and not ALLOW my feelings to RULE ME. but i feel stuck.

in part i feel awkward doing it when someone else is home. yesterday both were home. today just dad - but who is indifferent. this issue is a sense of being watched.

oooooooo-kkkkkkkk?????

i am starting to go all over the place with this thread. i am very close to my menses so i know hormones are messing me up as well as probably the lagging illness. i just feel like crud and like i don't belong anywhere... like excess baggage... useless baggage.

as for the wrapping stuff i will add it is complicated a bit because i re-use what i can... like i will re-use for a smaller parcel any part of wrapping that is still pristine: eg. used for a big parcel, so large uncreased untaped areas are present and reusable. paper torn or crushed etc during unwrapping is already gone. anyway there is a lot of decisional stuff... with what is left.

last year i just put away anything possibly reusable, and made "final pass" decisions as i wrapped this year. that would be easier in the now, but it was frustrating when i was wrapping having to do the scrutiny phase on any pre-used paper. so this year i wanted to pre-cut and put away only the healthy bits. but this box needs to get put away asap at this point. arrgghhh.

i do ask, if anyone has suggestions, the only one i will not/cannot accept is suggest toss everything i cannot stand tossing things or parts of things that are pristine and thus perfectly usable.

i think i am really wrapped up in this box (no pun intended). i am even feeling guilty that i am posting here instead of doing that.

help if anyone can. even just let me know you know what i mean if you know what i mean. now i am crying. go figure.

p.s. i do increase my zoloft before my menses monthly. pdoc knows/approved my current dose of 50mg, now, just temporarily, 75.

~ waves ~ in bed but in a tizzy. now mom is home and box still here.

Would some extra vitamins help, maybe B vitamins?

when I have a mess to clean I do best by putting what I can into a big pile and then sort it out as I go thru it.

have 3 boxes or bags to put the sorted stuff into-
- one for garbage, one to save and one for donations

If it's in a box already can you just store it in the garage or attic until after the carpenter is done?

Thanks for replying It makes me feel not so alone with this. I know it sounds like a stupid problem doesn't it.

anyway. oh B vits - i already take them. yes, i have found they help. i actually take a complex geared around magnesium with complementary zinc, vit C, vit E and b vits because all those "play together" when it comes to being absorbed and used by the body. magnesium and b vits are hugely important to nervous system function. so that was a great suggestion.

umm... the box itself yes could go down as is. but it is about 1/3 empty. there is a bunch of stuff on top of it that - after filtering - should go INTO it. also there are some items which mom needs back and do not go in the box - nor would fit). lots of loose stuff is on top tho.

you have got me thinking that worse come to worse tho, i could do this with bags. put ribbons either in the box itself if they fit, or in a small bag if they don't. put everything else in a large garbage bag and take that plus box to garage. unfortunately garage is not easy access so once they go down they will stay down till next year i also have a friends' birthday next week... i guess i can pick out wrapping and a ribbon for him and keep those upstairs since i know the gift/size already. or even keep a a few choices.

i don't know. i keep peeking over at the thing. it scares me. i think i need to go sit in an armchair next to it, and look at it. then maybe one thing that is simple will catch my eye and i will do it. often, if i can do one thing... then i do another, until i eventually get sucked in.

i sort similarly to the way you do... this would be a keep/toss/give-back-to-mom deal. complication is the keeps "ideally" would need trimmed before putting in box... perhaps the best thing given current needs, is to defer the trimming to when i wrap anything, and just "keep" whatever has some good clean parts.

but yes, putting everything "as is" downstairs might be doable - if i can brutally and blindly bag everything that's on top of the box. unless that would damage things. i do have to look.

sigh. i feel panicky about this and i feel stupid about feeling panicky about such a mundane thing. it's not like i am about to perform my first surgery or something! lol!

thanks Jo for replying, and for the "just stash it for now" line of thinking. could work.

~ waves ~

Dear Waves,


Maybe by now you feel better.


I'm concerned about your having a physical setback. I want to say to go see a doc, especially a lung specialist, at this point.


As for clearing out stuff similiar to what you describe, I can offer no help except to say that I understand and can feel your pain.


I also like the idea of pulling out what you might need in the next week or two and putting the whole thing in one labeled box.

I have on occassion asked for help with something like this. I ask the other person to show patience and then to help me. I have to give up control and essentially let them do it their way while I watch and make some input (output) here and there. The job gets done and 95% of the time, I don't look back and think that I could have done it better by myself. But this system usually requires an outsider, someone not too caught up in my stuff.
And I usually have to be past the state of caring about the stuff and only be caring about getting the job done and put away.

I hope you find a way.

Mari

thanks for your concern over my health...

i have posted an update/explanation on my sickie thread regarding the going to the lung specialist and what the current problems are and causes.

and thanks for the empathy you express over my stupid box problem.

unfortunately i can't "hand off" the box to anyone. the only other members in this household have both essentially told me to do it, and it is my responsibility. they are both elderly and yet do everything around here. and they ask me to fix up a box (of my stuff) and i ask them to help with that too? mmmmm. nope. i mean even if they did, which they wouldn't - they would balk - the how would be awful. my mother would just want to take what is on top and throw things out and i would stop her. then she might start going through and ask me about every single thing and complaining until finally i got so out of my mind i started doing it on my own. and probably after taking a pill. or even two.

the patience, however, i am getting, so i don't have to ask. mom has not mentioned it. she knows i have not been well i think by the amount i have been sleeping. dad's comment bugged me. that is what put the pressure on i think.

tonight i did try to get near the thing but she wouldn't let me put away the ironing board which was in the way, so i gave up.

however i cleared up the coffee table some - it was covered in my stuff. an improvement towards the carpenter visit.

i think i need to sit next to that box and pick one thing to do and allow myself to walk away afterwards. chances are i will get more than one thing done before i walk away, tho i may not finish in one sitting. i think if i impose a limit of one thing in my mind, it will counteract the overwhelm feeling.

i have been wanting to avoid taking a lorazepam to face it. ti seems so stupid!!! and i have reduced my benzo use i think i took my last lorazepam (those are prn not daily) over a month ago and my En has by now reached steady state for 2mg (from 3) thanks to my exhaustion with illness (irony!). so i kinda feel icky about "relapsing" into taking lorazepam... i would rather handle this behaviorally/psychologically if i can.

it seems sooooo stooooooooopid!!!!!

i feeel sooooo stooooooopid about this!!!!!



anyway. thanks for being with me. it feels better knowing i am not the only one who gets stuck like this. does it get you feeling stoooopid too, Mari? Funny, i don't think that about you being overwhelmed about stuff - it seems understandable, only about me and my box! There is something amiss here!

~ waves ~ the boxer

W,
Oh if I started to tell you how paralyzing I find somethings to be, I would not be able to stop.

Some weeks the list of things grows beyond my normal list of what is difficult and that can be scary. I try to hope that I will handle stuff better on a future day.

The thing about the ironing board being in the way would bug me too. If I can identify one thing that is causing a problem, then I really need to have that one thing dealt with instead of continuing to be stymied.

One way I used to deal with boxes was to seal them and put a date on them and put them out of sight (I had enough room for this when I was single.)
Then if I came upon the box at some year in the future, I would open it, do a brief check for anything important, close it back up and take it to the dumpster. This system cost me storage space, but saved me the trouble of sorting. (And I rarely found anything important.)

Some of us on this board suffer from not being able to deal with items very well and we have had a few threads.

. . . I have something in my hand and don't know where to put it. After I put it down somewhere I create a bigger problem because now I am starting a "pile."
. . . and so on.

I think I try to save the brain power that I do have for when I am outside the apt and have to appear to be functioning.


M.

Aww waves I am so sorry to hear you're having trouble with life right now. It's not easy to be healthy and able to do stuff, when you have to constantly battle with health issues. I feel for you I really do. I had so much trouble getting through my stuff the first time when we lived in the rathouse apartment and I had to transfer my belongings into storage tubs so we could seal them up and keep OUT the roaches. It's almost two years later and I am glad to say we still have no stinking roaches here! HURRAY we won the battle! LOL!

But seriously, I am worried about you too. Don't be too hard on yourself about this box thing, just try to do a little at a time or go at it full force, but don't let yourself off the hook since you need to get a carpenter over there for the house, you know it has to happen. You'll feel much better when you get it done too, just focus on the goal and get the gruntwork out of the way. You can do it!

I do my best sorting and organzing while watching a movie. I pick a not so serious one. Usually one that I have seen and enjoy. Plop the DVD in and go at it.

I do like Jo does. Have sorting bins. Toss/Recycle, Keep and Donate.

Since I'm a bit ditracted by the movie it keep me from thinking too much about the stuff. Boy did this help before we moved.

Waves,

if i could be with you to help you deal with that stupid box, i would... with 4 moves in 2008... still not yet unpacked and quite overwhelmed with 200 of my 300 boxes... and knowing that 25% of it (clothes & craft stuff) should go to charity... really... as stupid as it may sound... it seems that for some kind of stuff, it may take hours and days to deal with a single box... huh, i understand how you feel and i'm with you in thinking... i'm sending you good vibes/waves from overseas... take care the best you can and i encourage you to keep eating looots of garlic (& ginger ), even on days you have to go out !

Well the box is still untouched but after this cup of coffee i may do just that - go over and touch it. just touch it, nothing more. lol. perhaps it will break some sort of spell?



Pamster yes you are right and believe me i in no way feel off the hook about this... it is hard not to feel that hook DIGG IN is part of the problem.

Mari what can i say. i am sorry you suffer so much with this sort of stuff too. you seem to have found a way to manage "around it" so as to be outwardly functional as much as possible - or seem it, when it is not possible. i think that is already very important. i believe that is called "adaptive behavior" lol.

Curious that is a great idea about the distraction. perhaps some cop show i can half listen to to keep my mind from spinning too hard on the box... thanks! (of course, that will depend if my mom is watching tv tonight in here - probably, since dad will be seeing a game in their room. we have very little floorspace or any space. i live and sleep in the living room, and it is also the everything else room - plants, ironing, computer, tv.... project room, reading room, you name it its in there and even storage room. our linen closet is in the living room. i never had this little space in my life. moving anything anywhere else usually means not being able to move around. my bed is folded out right now, and frankly, it's gonna be that way a while.

the box is contaminated from being in garage else i could use the bed as a work area. still, maybe i can spread some of the stuff to sort out on the bed tho. hey, there's a thought. problem is then i can't lie down for breaks when overwhelmed. ARGGGGGHHHH!!!! well, perhaps a little of the stuff. ack. this is getting complicated again. stop. i must stop.


Lavandula!

It is so wonderful to see you! i wanted to pm you but you have turned off all your contacts you know where because of you know what that happened - i am so sorry

Thank you for posting to me here, and thank you for your understanding... and indeed will keep up the garlic - no breaks any more. And guess what! the little Pakistani store where i get my indian pickle from usually has fresh ginger (they were out last time i went so i am still on the powdered stuff). Anyway they are across from my pdoc, so i hope to be able to get some tuesday with my next appointment. they sell a lot more than do the big supermarkets (locals do not know what do do with ginger! lol! one woman told my mom - even after my mom tried to explain it was a SPICE - that she would try to cook it up like potatoes!) ROFLMAO! anyway so theirs is likely to be truly fresh - and perhaps cheaper too! it also may be young ginger... i have yet to find it there (always run out ) at the indian store i bought ginger at in California, they had the young ginger... the orangey pinky kind on the outside where you don't even need to peel it - all edible.

Hope you are keeping warm and that your ailments are keeping at bay!!!

Thanks so much to all of you for supporting me and my coming undone over a dumb box!


~ waves ~ wishing menses would hurry up then i know i will feel better overall moodwise, i am so down on myself. need to go "touch the box" and understand it doesn't bite.