Hi,

Too hard to think right now -- I'n trying to wind down before bed.
Here are some quotations on becoming / accepting oneself that could sound about right -- depending on what day it is:

The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.
~Carl Gustav Jung


I shall stay the way I am because I do not give a damn.
~Dorothy Parker

I think of life itself now as a wonderful play that I've written for myself,
and so my purpose is to have the utmost fun playing my part.
~Shirley MacLaine


The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect
and beginning the work of becoming yourself.
~Anna Quindlen

M.

I like all of these.
thanks for posting
beth

I’m ashamed I even had to have ECTs and it’s hard for me to talk about it. I know it’s not like it was before but it’s still shameful. ECT saved my life. But I lost my previous life at the same time.

I don’t want to be the same person. Isn’t that why we consider this option in the first place? All other treatments failed me and it’s not like I chose this type of treatment first. I felt like it was last hope for me. Maybe I need to forget some of my past in order to drastically change, which is what I need.

I can’t focus and concentrate. I have word finding difficulties. I can’t read, process, and retain new information. I forget what happened two days before, two hours before. It goes on and on. I don’t feel like me anymore; I feel like part of me is missing, a good part of me. Even though the “experts” say otherwise, there is always some brain damage from ECTs.

My pdoc recommended ECT and apparently I said yes, however I was in no state at that time to make the decision. If I had thought it would kill me I would have jumped at the chance, if I thought it would destroy my memory then again I would have jumped at the chance. There was no way out, so I didn’t care. I was dying and blind to everyone and everything around me. Is that any condition in which to make an informed decision?

I can’t get out of taking this test. The partners paid for it. I’m taking the first part on Thursday and the second July 11th . Then there’s two more after that. They don’t know I had ECTs and I would never ever tell them otherwise. So I’m studying and trying to retain what I’ve read, trying to work the problems, trying not to get frustrated with my pea brain.

Be yourself. Life is precious as it is. All the elements for your happiness are already here. There is no need to run, strive, search or struggle. Just Be.

Thich Nhat Hanh

So simple, yet so hard to attain.

These feelings of shame, considering the social stigma surrounding mental health/illness and treatments such as ECT, are certainly understandable. But you can learn to get through it, and not be ashamed any more. I personally am proud of you that you went through all that, and stepped into that shaky medical territory of "controlled" seizures, in hope of a better life. Some people would have just given up. You held on. That is something to be proud of. When you feel shame, please remind yourself that you have this aspect to be proud of.

this is a serious loss. still, the brain often relearns and recovers these abilities in time. other areas can take over functionality from the damaged areas. I have a friend who has suffered multiple TBIs and had to relearn language and arithmetic from scratch - more than once. My friend has widespread damage involving large portions of one hemisphere and is still highly intelligent. The relearning didn't happen overnight, but i just wanted you to know... you have very good chances of recovering most if not all of what you have lost. Do not give up.

Not really... it sounds like you did something that, had you not been in that dire situation, you would not have liked the idea of. Perhaps that is partly why you feel ashamed, also? Certainly in the conditions you describe, "an informed decision" is difficult... if not impossible. Oddly, I too made a supposedly "informed decision" which however was pretty darned uninformed, even misinformed. I too was encouraged, as well as constantly pressured, and even threatened. I was an emotional wreck at the time and in need of support, not propaganda. Now i feel i was thrown into things by my situation both internal/emotional and external. Do you feel angry about how ECT was presented/recommended to you? You have every right to feel angry. It is normal. Even if it saved your life. Even if it was the best thing for you at the time. Because it sounds to me like the issue here is more about control, and in retrospect feel you were in no shape to really "exercise control," or your own "will." Am i getting the sense of what you said? Sadly, i can relate to this. Very well. So much so i am afraid what i have written may be more of a projection about me than about you. I don't know.

Nonetheless, what you can do now is go forward. Process all the negative emotions about the ECT experience... the shame... the anger... Work on recovery and keep up hope, exercise your mind. Give it time and your brain will rewire itself to do things again that you could do before. I don't know about all of them, but i would bet a lot.

Ahhh, I see. So, you are already in the gladiator's ring.

Well, I along with everyone else here will be cheering you on. Regardless what happens... throw yourself at the stuff and just chow down as much material as you reasonably can. Don't overdo. Sometimes less is more. Make sure you get enough sleep at night too. And then march in there Thursday and do the best you can. Pray and hope for success.

BTW, the way you write, BJ, i would never have guessed you had had ECT any time recently, fwiw. And i certainly do not think of you as a pea brain!!! Could you think about your brain as simply being delicate, and in the process of healing?

Will you know the results to the May exam or is it all combined? (I don't know how CPA exams work, at all.)

Yeah. i know what you mean.

Hang in there. Stay strong. You have been, so far even if you don't feel it. I will be keeping you in my thoughts.



~ waves ~

Dear BJ,
What Wave says is good.
I'll add my bit.

I understand that you have shame attached to the ECT treatments. I suggest you accept that shame as normal for a good deal of people. It happens. Peopel do feel ashamed but as with other things we go through, we can get past the shame.
And it is hard to look back at the events directly proceeding that time, and wonder how you might have handled things differently. It's hard to look back like that, and, in many ways, it is not useful.
You went through with it hoping it would help you. Hope is good. Those with hope are blessed. I think that you under took the ECT as an act of self preservation. You had that part of you working -- the part of you that wanted to believe the pdocs and that wanted to believe that you could get better.

Regarding the memory:
The brain is a flexible organ. Much of the brain power that you need will come back -- maybe not all -- but much. Keep exercising the brain as you are and the memory will come back. It probably has in noticably ways.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=
I went with a former colleague at work for an ECT consult. My depressed work friend was able to think clearly and was capable of making a decision. I too was (mostly) in my right mind that day.
The ECT pdoc was very convincing. By the end of the consult I felt that my friend would be in good hands. (I did nothing to help him decide one way or another -- I was only there to drive him back and forth across town for the consult.)

I was appalled by the headache statistics the ECT guy explained more than I was by the memory stats.
As you know, a certain LOW percentage of people get headaches after ECT that do not go away and that cannot be treated successfully with meds. Yuck.

My friend ended up undergoing nearly a full series and saw no benefit of mood lift.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Back to topic.
I can't really know what you are going through with the memory difficulties you describe.
You do describe them very well and I sympathize.
I can understand the frustration of needing to study for a career changing test and not having the brain power that you know you once had.

BJ, do your best. That is what you do and that is all you can do. That is quite a bit actually (your best). If you succeed by sitting for the test and passing it, we'll throw you a party.
If you succeed in sitting for the test, and do not pass, we will throw you a party. Either way you get a party.

Here is a my Thich Nhat Hanh quote to complement yours:
Our daily actions can bring us closer to the sacred. I like thinking that. It gives meaning to our actions.

BJ, keep living your life and acting. These acts connect us to ourselves, each other, and to the sacred.

M.

Memories

What childhood memories have I
that hide around my brain,
are elusive to my consciousness.
It frustrates me so.
And yet today- I am the same.
Unable to bring forth sweet memories
that are washed away like waves into the ocean-
I can swim to meet them...
stretch out my arms to reach them
but the current takes me under and they vanish....
Leaving me empty and standing alone waiting for some epiphony-
How can I learn from the past when I can't remember to swim?
All I can do is hold onto myself
and breath deeply to stay afloat
and trust in the universe as it enfolds.
The water is warm,
the water is very warm.

That is a lovely poem, Beth!

Thank you for sharing!

~ waves ~

I remember complaining after about 7 of them that I was getting worse, I was now tearful before and after my induced convulsion. I'm fragile and sketchy with minor things now. Just because I burst into tears doesn't make me quit talking necessarily; we wait it out until I can catch my breath and then move on. But it is difficult to describe the extreme vulnerability you feel after a course of ECT. And yes the headaches have never eased up. Today I’ve had one all day and haven’t been able to stand the lights.

I have had to endure so much stigma in regards to this part of who I am that, just like so many other people like me, I have been mortally afraid of mentioning it, talking about it, admitting to it, discussing it and making people aware of it so often in the past simply because I did not want to be judged for it. This is a risk I am running now and it is a risk that I am willing to take.

Stigma is the very reason I finally decided to open myself to the world. I am tired of people seeing me as crazy and worthless. I am tired of being accused of being lazy, weak and malingering. I am tired of being told to “cheer up and just get over it”. I am tired of lying and pretending about my past and who I am. I am tired of people just not understanding what it is that I feel and go through. I’m tired of the misconceptions.

The reason I say that I wasn’t able to make a decision was because I was psychotic, delusional. I don’t want to rehash it. I don’t remember what is was but they gave me something really strong and I felt like a zombie, I honestly didn’t feel like a part of my body.

I’ll be ready for that party. I’ve tried to study as much as I could today, headache or not. Only one more day left to get it to sink in. I’m taking the part on Business Law, Ethics and Tax. I should do fine in the tax but the law is just going round and round and round. I have to wait about 3 weeks for the results but when I leave I should have a fairly good idea.

Dear BJ,

After reading your post, i feel the need to give you a major

right now.

i also want to tell you how much i admire you.

You have been through the wringer and then some, but now you are emerging, and fragile as you are, you are fighting tooth and nail to get on a good track and live well... i don't know how to do that yet, but i hope i can follow in your footsteps.

you really are an inspiration.

thursday isn't far off... at least it will be over soon one way or another ... but....

it sounds like you've done a lot and... i'm betting you can make it through that exam. you are bright and, ironically, that makes you more aware of the things that you don't know quite as well as you would like. but i bet you have a lot under your belt, as is.

go show 'em your stuff, girl!!!



~ waves ~

Dear BJ,

Your hard work through all this is amazing. I admire you.

'Wishing you good luck along with confidence in your skills and abilities.



M.