hi, you might not realize, given i have posted here recently, but i cannot "keep up" and am feeling overwhelmed... heck making instant coffee is sometimes overwhelming. sometimes its like nothing. go figure.

i have better days and worse but the past couple have been worse. it looks like i might lose my T and the last appointment was really bad for me. He is also my pdoc and that hurt all the more, plus that's two eggs in a basket if i need to change He was the only person i could tell some things to.

i have been in fetal position a lot. but i am feeling frigid, stone-like, stunned and... unable to cry. i sleep a lot. when the pain gets too much i still have a few Zyprexa's. I can use that occasionally to get an immense amount of deep sleep. to stop the pain, you know, safely.

but i may post, or not, or sporadically or only seem to do a few threads or delete posts... i am feeling very vulnerable, so... these things may happen.

~ waves ~

((((((((((((((((((((((waves))))))))))))))))))))))) ))))))))))


I hope you can find another good p-doc that you can trust and feel comfortable with.

Are you still on meds, beside the Zyprexa?

Get the rest you need, post when you are up to it.

Hang in there, this too shall pass.

Sounds like a lot of depression.

Hugs, Nikko

Dear WAves,
we know that you care and I am so sorry that you are this stuck in that pit....
I hope that your pdoc can give you a referral for a new one and perhaps make sure that you have a timely appointment.
Maybe you could find the energy to take a warm comforting bath.
You have had to deal with a lot of changes....
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Waves,
Oh dear,
I wish you were feeling better. 'Sorry that you have had a bad last couple of days.
'Sending hugs and wishes for wellness.

Mari

oh Waves,
another loss...I am glad your parents are there....maybe that is selfish of me...but I know that physically you are protected. Here I go again but I believe in golden safety nets and it sounds as if soon one is going to be thrown your way. When I cut down my seeing dr moussavian to every three weeks it lasted only three weeks...I had two separate dreams about needing him....so I can almost feel the pain you are experiencing...I can understand the fetal position...you are being forced to deal with so much overload...I don't think we can understand these things....please please hang in there...I hope that your parents are being gentle with you. You need so much gentleness. I pray you are being gentle with yourself...
Love
Bobby

Dear Waves ... you are the very essence of gentleness on this forum - you always have been, and it makes me so sad for you to be in this situation of uncertainty. While I can't know how you feel exactly, I think I can kinda guess.

Since a couple of weeks ago, I have been in much the same "all my eggs in one basket" situation myself. My friend of so many years has been with the same woman for 9 years, married to her for 5 now. She is his publisher, too. I have always been grateful that she shares him with me, that she tolerates his time spent listening to me. But that week, on one single day, he mentioned her twice in things he published, making it obvious to the world how important she is to him in his life... and I took that to mean that the dynamics of their marriage had changed during their recent vacation and that it might be the end of his being there for me. He has been responding less often lately than he did in the past, and after some turbulance of getting used to it, I have come to take the ups and downs in stride.... but while it would hurt me terribly to lose his friendship at any time, for it to come at this time would have destroyed me.

Like it is with you and your pdoc/T, over the years, as trust has built and I have lowered my defenses, I have come to be able to share virtually everything with him - and have discovered the power in having someone like that in your life.. It is a loss I could not easily live past --- and actually I am not sure I would want to live past it, for I have little hope that I could ever find that again. I was frozen in terror for days .... And even tho my acute fears have been eased, I am still on tenterhooks and will be for some time, expecting the axe to still fall.

I have, surprisingly, found myself suddenly able to do some things I haven't been able to do in almost 3 years ... like go in the kitchen and make something to eat that involves pots and pans. That involves much more than heating the oven for a frozen pizza or boiling water in the microwave for coffee or oatmeal. And while I still can't wash all my dirty dishes or scour the sink, I am keeping up with the newly dirty dishes fairly well. Baby steps.

I wish you baby steps, Waves. I wish you baby steps. And freedom from painful fears. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Waves}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

with loving caring feelings...
Teri

Dear Teri,

I too live with the fear of homelessness but I had family step in to help when I was close. I would imagine that acutally being homeless changes how one thinks about many things.

I'm sorry that you suffered and are still suffering.

A society should measure itself based on how it treats its most vulnerable members.

Mari

I forgot to mention my case mgr has left to move to Chicago, due to her husbands job, I cried the last time I was at my p-docs appt. which she sits in on. I met the person taking her place and she seems very nice.

Then prior to that my DV counsler left to take a break for awhile, I assume the job is stressful to say the least.

I really miss her, I am not thrilled with her replacement at all. I have my next appt. with her on Dec. 20th, so I am giving it another shot.

She made me feel that I should now be going to a therapist for the PTSD, but I see it as a pep talk when I go to DV. I usually feel good coming out of there.

Changes are hard to take, and losing people you like and trust in the medical world is hard to deal with.

Wishing you the best always, Hugs, Nikko

Waves,

My guess is that you cannot cry because you are in shock or it is your defense mechanism against the harsh reality. I only guess at this because I am numb and cannot cry hardly but maybe for different reasons. I wish I could help you feel better. You deserve to be happy.

befuddled2

Dear Nikko,

Oh no, a change in your support system!
I prefer things to be the same and never change, but I think you will get through this. They are on your side and have training and experience to help you.
Mari