I went walking today and my neighbor Bill was on his porch so I stopped to talk to him. He kept telling me over and over that my next door neighbor, Deborah, and I need to work things out. He said the cops don't need to be called over everything. I told him I'm not the one calling the cops. He kept repeating himself though and saying her and I need to work things out cause he doesn't like for the cops to be coming through here all the time. I told him I don't have to be someone's friend like Deborah who lies on me in court and sets it up to look like I ran into her car. He said, "oh well." Then he repeats the same stuff over and over so I ended up throwing up my hands in the air and walking off. He said he was sorry as I was walking away but I don't believe him.

I could not help myself and called my neighbor Bill tonight and this is what I said.

"I thought you were a better person than you are. I am not going to be treated in the way you treated me today. I know the truth and that is all that matters to me. Goodbye."

I hung up before he had time to respond. I'm good at that. I feel sad now though like crying sad. I hate men at this moment. When I 1st called him it sounded like he hung up on me but he called back right away and when he said Barbara into the phone he sounded pleading kind of. I wrote down what I wanted to say so that's how I can say what I said to him word for word. I read it off to him. I don't know if it's the alcohol making me so sad or not but I feel like I just told someone I really like to kiss off and that's the end which I meant it to be.

I don't know why I have to fall for the jerks of this world. Little Bill is so nice and attentive to me but I don't want him. I don't really want my neighbor Bill either but at times I think I do.

I think tomorrow should be a better day. I at least hope so.

barbara

((( Barbara )))

you mention alcohol making you sad... could be, but i think some of it is real. that guy really let you down. he did sound like he wanted to reach out to you over the phone though.

i think he has his own situation - living in a complex where the cops are coming by all the time. perhaps he needed to get that out. sort of like wishful thinking... "if only those two would get along" = no more cops.

tomorrow will be a new day. you will be more clear headed. let the emotions subside. then i would suggest giving him a chance to explain himself. since you hung up on him, i would call him or go by there. and say, something like....

ok what you said really hurt me because if it were up to me, i wouldn't be having the cops through here all the time either. i cannot control what that woman does. when you said those things, it felt like you were holding me responsible for her actions. i am trying to ignore her, because she has lied about me and against me, and any interaction i might have with her could be turned against me. i cannot help it if she continues her attacks. i cannot control her behavior, and consequently the calling of the cops all the time. i don't like it any more than you do. in fact, i hate it, because i am the one being hassled and my best bet is to ignore her! i know you apologized, but that does not change what you said, and how it came across to me. and that is what hurt.

i was too hurt to discuss things on the phone (apologize for hanging up.) but, now if you have thought about things and have anything else to say to me, i am all ears. i would prefer to be your friend but i can only do that if i am respected and can trust you not to judge me, let alone unfairly for things i cannot control.

i dunno. but you have to be feeling "ok" when you go talk to him. settled with yourself, you know?

((( HUGS )))

~ waves ~

Thank you Waves. You say it all so nice and productive. I think it may be some time before I am okay with myself to talk to him about it. He was drinking when he upset me and then I drank to ease my pain about it. I may just talk to him tomorrow though cause it'll be a long week when he works and I get a chance to talk to him again.

Barbara

Dear Befuddled,


1. Perhaps Bill is confused and disturbed about what is going on. Perhaps he needed someone to listen for 5 minutes.
That sickness in the neighbor is infecting all the neighbors. You can see why he is upset.

2. You don't need to be upset with him.
He's might be having a hard time dealing with this. He's probably hearing all kinds of rumors and gossip about what is going on.

3. Also but in a different vein:
Make darned sure that you do not tell him anything. What you tell him could very well end up getting passed around until it gets changed a hundred times and then gets back to the crazy neighbor.

4. I had a wise friend tell me that a sane person can never win against a crazy person. I took that advice.


M.
(Sorry for using the word crazy -- could not think of anything more applicable.)

i think mari has some important points.

i still think you might need to talk to him about feeling hurt and make up about the tiff, but be open to the possibility that his words right then may not have meant to carry any real blame towards you. especially considering the alcohol.

the last thing mari said crossed my mind too but it left before i wrote it down. i totally agree. don't recount anything about what happened in court or any events... it just isn't safe. in fact even saying she lied to you probably isn't safe. you could say you tried unsuccessfully to make peace with her and say you prefer not to go into detail. even if bill is safe, and well intentioned. something even inadvertently repeated - correctly - could get repeated incorrectly by the next person.

thanks mari. you're a wiz.

I am up again....can;t sleep syndrome and read your plight and all the caring responses. I may not be able to talk much yet, but still type.

One thing for sure, the neighbor is really making that entire complex on edge.
Second, men especially ones that want to be neutral are not in the smarts on support for anyone. right or wrong....he is just going to stay out of it even if he knows it is wrong.

The best advice u may get is stay away from her, or fix it between u guys which predictable he said.

crap, even the men in our lives that care about us give lousy advice and make crappy shoulders. Bill no matter how friendly he is with you wants to make love not war. He is like a highschool teen boy with the girls fighting over him and loving it in HIS mind.The captain of the football team, the prom king syndrome in your complex.

I think that there are neighbors that are sick of the drama that woman has created and drawn them into. They will be the best support to just sit back log everything and don't let her see she is getting you upset...that is what she wants.

Be stronger for yourself. You can never let yourself down when you are true to your own heart. You have friends that do care, that man is on the fence and will sit there with a picket up it.

I hope things are not so sad in the morning,
di

I called Bill this morning and talked into his voice mail. I told him I was sorry for hanging up on him before he had a chance to respond. I metioned how I thought I was being judged. I told him I don't like the cops coming either so I understand how he feels. That was this morning and he has not called me back. That disappoints me.

barbara

I hope he accepts your apology barbara and calls you back.
Maybe you could make him some brownies?
beth

Well done, Barbara. You said what needed to be said no more no less, just right, as i see it.

I hope he calls back soon. there may be a good reason he hasn't yet. like perhaps hasn't heard the message. even if he's home. like maybe he got real drunk and passed out and is hungover. or maybe he didn't and was/is still out. or was in the shower and din't hear the phone or think to check for messages... lots of plausible explanations.

in any event, that was a very good job you did as far as what you reaching out and making peace. now just add a pinch of patience and i think the recipe will turn out just fine.

((( hugs )))

~ waves ~ hoping you hear back soon

Thanks. I called Bill back around 7 tonight and asked him if he got my message I left this morning and he said yes. He said he was going to call me back tonight because he was tied up with something all day. He was eating supper when I called. I told him I just wanted to know if everything was cool and he said everything is alright so I told him that was good and that I'd talk to him another time so he could eat. That was all that was said. I didn't feel like any of the details needed to be discussed or rehashed with Bill tonight as at the time I just wanted it all dropped.

Barbara