I thought the ptsd was getting better.

Although with my mom's situation, it is bringing up a lot of emotions of my Dad's death in 1982, which they say I never dealt with his death.

Also the assualt by my husband, I am worried about him, like him being alone on the holidays, he doesn't have his coats, etc.........I know I shouldn't care less, but I can't seem to get to that point.

On the other hand, I am sure he hates me, because he thinks it was my fault, that's the way they think. I shouldn't be hated by him. I don't still love him at least I don't think so. Maybe it is the fact that I will never speak to him again, or will I when he is done with everything in April of 2008.

I can't get close to any man, I have no desire , maybe it is time for me to find me.

Everything is wrapped up tight inside me, besides my physical issues.
I guess I am somewhat depressed, I try to keep busy. I wish I could shut my mind off though.

Okay, just venting, this is all probably normal under the circumstances, but it sure doesn't feel it.

Hugs, Nikko

Dear NIkko,
This is heart breaking hearing you suffer so thru all of this.
I wish for you peace to ease your pain and a much easier new future....
for this has been the toughest year it seems.......
((((HUGS))))

I will live. Now I am wanting to go out, like last night, then I just couldn't bring myself to get ready, so I stayed home, I wanted to just go and hang out with a few friends.

Today, I planned I would go see my friends at this place we go to and watch some football, have lunch and a few drinks, now I don't feel like it again.

All of a sudden I feel like a hermit. I mean I go to the store and errands, but that is it. Plus I am having a pain flare up.

Maybe it is a bit of depression or just low energy level.

Well anyway, I have to color mom's hair and help her with a shower, maybe after that, don't know. She is doing real well.

Hugs, Nikko

I t is probably all of the above.
Caring for your mom and all the other issues related to her are exhausting. And since you are BP2... depression unfortunately plays the largest role in your moods...so that is chemical.
Fatigue and low energy/motivation....those are hard to get....
I think you are kind of in the survival mode....
I don't know.....
(((HUGS)))
bizi

Hi, I talked to my mom and she didn't care if her hair was colored today or not, so I forced myself to go out for a few hours. It was great! I enjoyed just being with friends, the football was on, but we had a few drinks and food.

I got invited to a New Years Eve Party, not sure if I am going to go or not. It's my friend that barmaids there, plus she said her and her husband have plenty of room to stay over, so I wouldn't have to worry about drinking and driving on New Years Eve, even though I don't drink enough to worry, it would just be my luck to get pulled over. It' tough here especially now during the holidays they have DUI task forces set up everywhere.


I brought home a salad for me, and a French Dip sandwich and potato salad for my mom, she ate it all. Then I made a meatloaf for tomorrow, it's in the fridge just sitting and marinating I guess you could say.

Fed the dogs, did a load of laundry and now just chilling. Having a bad pain flare up, so going to have to take a pain pill with my meds tonight, maybe I should shut that window in my bedroom too. Been waking up all stiff and achy and headaches from dryness maybe.

Tomorrow I have plenty to do around the house and Tuesday too. Wednesday the dogs have to go to the groomers at 9am, Thursday I have PT at 9:30am, and Friday I have my DV appt. at noon.

Have to call my mom's PCP tomorrow for a follow up, and I want her anti-depressant changed, she has been on Prozac far to long and it isn't working anymore, and maybe a change from her Xanax for anxiety to something else, and PT for sure. She is up for it, thank GOD. She is drinking lots of water and soda, and her sweet tooth has kicked in big time, that is normal for people that quit drinking. Her appetite is good too.

So, thats that......I can't believe next weekend is Xmas weekend, I hate to say this, but I really miss my husband, I don't hate him, I know he needs help, so what is wrong with me, I am even worried about him. I am so stupid, I know that. I just can't seem to turn off my feelings yet.

Enough of my depressing thoughts, I have enough to worry about, so shouldn't even be talking about me and well him.

Hugs, Nikko

YOu deserve to be treated with respect and dignity.
YOu deserve to have a loving and caring relationship one where you feel homored and cherished...you deserve to feel safe and trust ....trusting yourself ,,,,take all the time that you need to grow...to learn..to love yourself.
I have this is common for the abused victim to miss there abuser...When do you see your DV therapist again...maybe you caould ask her how to deal with those "feelings" that are popping up....
(((HUGS))))
bizi

Oh, I do tell her EVERYTHING, mostly it is all normal she says and it's okay, it is phases you go through like when you deal with a death, only with death there is closure.

I have a problem with NO closure. Plus the PTSD and being BP II and all the other fun stuff in my life, I don't know if I am coming or going half the time.

Plus I am leaving or losing things lately, like leaving my keys in the mailbox, DUH, my mom asks for a soda, I get it, put a straw in it for her, then leave it on the counter and walk away, she laughs, but I am like, OMG why did I do that.

The New Year is coming and it's going to be better for all of us!!! I have faith, we will get through everything together.

Nikko

Dear Nikko,


Happy early New Year.
You will get closure. But it might take you a little while. Patience is good. And believe in yourself to be able to handle this. I believe in you.

Mari