[waves]

i had a couple of margaritas.

they loosened me up but my benzo tolerance isn't enough for that to make me feel drunk.

i actually feel like getting drunk. not room spins. just before that. just enough to numb out totally.

discussion with my parents... probably due to disinhibition combined with coincidental broaching of subject of jobs... my activities in general. i spontaneously offered my mom to hang out the clothes... guess i started reflecting aloud about my trying to do things.

discussion with escalating hostility/defensivity on part of my mom... about my activities... about their criticisms... about things i repeated that my doc said in therapy (??? errror ???)

i just want to escape.

no worries.

no alcohol in the house.

i could go out later, but most likely i will not. i am too susceptible to migraines in this phase of my menstrual cycle, if i drink, and i am already at risk with what i had.

i feel cornered. now i am being called for dinner. they are arguing fervently over condiment. i have to go sit with them.

~ waves ~ wishing i could get drunk ... or something

[Pamster]

Oh waves hun, I fight the urge to self-medicate a lot too, the desire to numb it all away is great, I understand. I wish there was something I could say, but nothing really can help. I wish things were better and you had a job you loved, but reality is it's a hard economy right now all over the world. I'm sorry you're feeling so low. I hope things get better. *hug*

[waves]

Thanks, Pammy.

I appreciate your understanding.

If only it were just the economy. It has been 5 years now without a steady job. And not all because of illness, although many conditions have played in - depression, the foot thing (mobility), and a couple of spells of intractable and frequent migraines. But apart from all that, when i am "ok" ... head above water... can breathe... there is home situation. When i talk about efforts i am discouraged because of my "illnesses" ... am told i need to be "completely well." When i try i get told with great foreboding that i won't be able to keep it up. very encouraging, huh? meanwhile i get told by the other parent that "if i really wanted a job" i would be willing to take anything... but....

i have a better chance at jobs which roughly match my age for complex social reasons and the way i look on paper. yes, that means more risk and more responsibility... then it goes back to "you couldn't hold that job... you haven't held any of the jobs you took in the past 5 years." well it's no win then. either i can't get the job, or it's one i can't hold.

is anybody in this family willing to show me a glimmer of hopefulness, be on my side... try to be realistic but encouraging when i actually DO SOMETHING as opposed to NOT DO ANYTHING??? I mean, is that not itself a huge difference??? (i have been trying to push myself to do productive things, even little ones.)

I know getting drunk is not the answer to feeling useless. I used to self medicate with alcohol much more frequently. Still, at times like this... that numbness is terribly appealing, and one doesn't want to consider the possible ensuing migraine even.

i have had dinner now. and thank goodness, my tummy feels too full to want anything else in it, liquid or other, alcohol or other.

i just wish i could turn off my feelings completely... at times when i am provoked or put down. instead, i end up feeling helpless and useless.

feel like i can't take this day to day nothingness any more!



~ waves ~

[befuddled2]

Waves,

I would love to work but doubt if I can. It is hard when we live with one parent saying we can't and the other saying we should take anything. Maybe if you and I both just looked in the mirror every day and tell ourselve WE CAN! I have a hard time doing that for myself but I do know that repeating afirmations can and do wonders. Or maybe we would not be able to fulfill the duties of a job but then we could say, "I tried."

barbara

[waves]

You know, I have heard of using daily affirmations before. Some people swear by it. But the whole mirror thing and saying them out loud felt silly.

However, I did once make motivational posters (colored marker on construction paper) and hung them all around the house (about 10 in all.) That is really just a variant of the concept.

And you know what, I have nothing to lose. Nothing at all at this point. I think I will make up a list of affirmations. Some general, and some to help me perhaps re-center when faced with another person being disparaging or abusive in some way. And do the whole mirror thing... silly or not.

hmmm. some will be based on behavior experienced with family members (as current but not exclusive examples)... perhaps i'll write those in colored marker on construction paper and paste them around the house (hehe ) AS WELL as get myself to say them in the mirror with my first cup of coffe.

They went out for ice-cream so i took advantage of the brief absence to sing for a while. i felt a bit better... but when they came back i got inhibited as usual. there will have to be an affirmation about that.

Anyway... thanks for the suggestion.

~ waves ~

[Pamster]

I wish there was more I could offer beyond a big cyber hug, or my shoulder to lean on waves, just know I understand and I really do feel for you. Maybe you could try what you mentioned in your last post and it might be useful to you. Take care waves, I'm sending you positive vibes and lots of hugs!

[mymorgy]

can you just forget about finding a job now? have you thought about volunteer work? have you thought about finding a group activity that you might be interested in? I am so stuck I don't leave the apartment except for the doctor's appointments. Are you stuck?
Love
Bobby

[mymorgy]

i am really angry about their arguing over the condiments or jealous that that little thing can upset them when our whole existence upsets us.
i had a very nice visit at the doctors. My doctor is a lovely woman who doesn't trigger. The nurses are nice especially one. She lost her son last year and told me how devastated she was and pulled herself up. She takes very good care of appearance!. Anyways I was chatty and told her i was depressed as usual and felt so awful because so many other people were igoing through such worse times. She sweetly said i was mentally ill. I heard her and for one of the few times I felt it. She was giving me permission not to hate myself.
love
bobby

[Mari]

Dear Bobby,
Yes, give yourself permission not to hate yourself. Maybe you can give yourself permission to love yourself.


Dear Waves,
Singing in the apt sounds good.
Good vibes in the space you share and all that.


Hubby can go to a negative place very easily. Sometimes I re-direct him. Other times, I tell him to stop.
Different with a parent . . .
M.

[bizi]

positive affirmations work...I have one on my bathroom cupbard....
"I am a good woman" I have to look at it twice a day....I think it is working.
I am sorry it is so hard where you live and have to put up with them on a daily basis.
(((((HUGS)))))
beth