I got real depressed on Xmas Day, had a few drinks, took my Klonapin for my anxiety and my pain pills for my physcial pain. I didn't eat.

I called the hotline they have that they told me too. I was talking to the girl and the next thing I know the police, rescue are here, and off I am to the ER.

I wasn't trying to kill myself, I just wanted to sleep, but nobody would listen.

They gave me something to rid the pain med from my system, then gave me Adivan!!!!!! I called my friend and they came and checked on my mom.

As I was going out in the rescue I saw this girl friend that I see when I go to this place we all hang out, she has a big mouth. Great I thought. I asked her to check on my mom, and my mom told her I was depressed and BIPOLAR, UGH

I was hooked up to a heart moniter, thing on my finger for whatever, some IV's. My blood pressure was up when they came here, which is unusal for me, then it got real low which is normal for me.
Oh, I feel like such a jerk. Then they moved me into another room and a shrink came to see me. He suggested I go to this real shrink, because he feels Cope isn't good enough, and my p-doc there is a FNP, but has all degree's in the field. I have been going to her since I moved here, and I am not going to change now. She is great. They don't seem to understand I don't have the money to do that.

They wouldn't let me get dressed, so I was in my bathrobe and slippers and a nighty underneath, when they took me out of the house.

I got let go that night, with all this info. I didn't have anyone to pick me up so they called a cab (ER) and paid for it, I looked quite a sight in my PJ's in the waiting room.

Yesterday, I called my friend here to Thank them for checking on my mom. They found her on the floor sitting, that's another story, yet she said she only had one drink. I called the other girlfriend and said please can we keep this between us. She said yes, but I doubt she will.

Then COPE called me yesterday, where I go for my p-doc and case mgr, who called me, I said I was fine, she wanted to come talk to me, I was in no shape, so I said no, I am fine. So, the hospital called Cope, great I wished they hadn't.

I am not sure if they called my PCP, but I am sure she will let me know when I see her next week. They have it on the form to contact her in 2-3 days, but I have an appt. next week anyway.

I was also upset because my other girlfriend NEVER called me to come over for Xmas as I was supposed to, come to find out her mom ended up in the ER on Xmas Eve, she felt terrible, I said no problem and not to worry about it.

I think EVERYTHING just finally hit me, and I lost it. I slept most of yesterday.

My girlfriend and her husband who came to my house, when I was thanking her yesterday, she said I have to stop, that he isn't even in my life anymore and is still hurting me. She said I need an attitute adjustment, I know she meant well, but being BP isn't something you can just do - I mean an attitude adjustment when the whole thing of BP is mood problems, and that I need to take care of my Mom, so I can't do this to her. Well, I wasn't doing it to anyone, but stupid me.

Anyway, I screwed up again, and nobody seems to understand the stress I have been under since August of 2005. That's fine. I am kind of in a pissy mood. I feel like never leaving the house again. As this all was transpiring my mom said you can't take her, she takes care of me.

That's the story, now to face the music of my pdoc, not till Jan 22nd I think, and my PCP next week, they are both real undertanding.

As far as my friends, well I am not as perfect as them.

Hugs, Nikko, thanks for letting me vent.

To vent is exactly what this site is here for. And I'm so sorry you
had this all happen on Christmas. But i"m also glad you are okay.

Sending you some hugs. And letting you know that you definately
are being listened too here. LEt us know if you need to talk, vent
or even cry.

Thats what we need to know.

Donna

Nikko,

I would have to say that people who talk to us like your girlfriend did do not know what it is like to walk in our shoes. I am glad you are okay. I would worry about mixing everything you did though and I have had done the same thing and ended up in the hospital for about a month.

I need to go back to sleep and hope your day goes good today.

befuddled2

gilrfriend I am so glad that you are OK. I hate that there is a feeling of helplessness to avoid my friends from being depressed and then bad things happening. wE Know you did not intend to harm yourself, but I can bet the gal on the other end of the phone feels she may have saved your life.

It could have been horrific. With the blood pressure alone not being regulating, the mix, Nikko, I have tears pouring down my face of how sad you must have been and wish like heck that SOB was not still affecting your life.

We new Christmas is a tough holiday, New Years now too is coming up.....Gosh what is the magic pill that gives us back hope, love, and flushes the BS from our system others have dumped.

You are so loved, you are such a good hearted person and to see you hurt or lonely is tough. When I say you I mean all and any that are in the same low spirits and alone for the holidays.

What can we all do for New years? Can we plan an open Chat, maybe some read, others chit chat, while home?

None of us will be alone, we all have each other!
Nikko, I don't want you have all this stuff on your paper plate while it is floppy unsteady!
Grab those boot straps and one little thing, one little step, have a dream.....
I love you and am SOOOOOOOO happy you are physically OK,
Love
Di

Dear Nikko,
This sounds like way more excitement than you needed. That's good that they evaluated you and saw that you were fine enough to go home.

You are fine enough. You can gone through so much. The worst part is over. Now, your days can be more about you.

Find ways to forgive yourself and be gentle with yourself.
You are home safe now.

Mari

Hey baby girl. It's gonna be ok. I think everybody has made such a boo-boo at least once in their lives. (And it's nice to know you live in an area that then EMS and ER people take your life seriously and are there for you, even when you really don't want or need their intervention. )

I am just glad you are ok.

Big HUGS.

Thank you all, at least now hearing from you all, I don't feel like a total loser.

I have been in bed since Xmas night, I feel as though why bother getting up, only to take care of my mom and my pets.

I have no life, I have decided that. I have to go out tomorrow to take my mom to her Dr. appointment at 10am. Plus one of my girlfriends wants to get together so maybe I will, she has been through the same thing at one time.

I can't explain how I feel, I know I should of known better for one thing. It's raining a bit here today, which is a change, and we need it, plus it is December and that happens, I mean rain, not often though.

I will try and post more, lately I just haven't been up to it, or up at all. I also know that people that don't have depression and/or BP just don't understand. I wasn't treated very nicely at the hospital either.

Thanks everyone. Nikko

Hey Nikko,

This has not exactly been my finest hour/days either. The ER people have to be pro active just in case, but about the big mouth friend, you have no control over that, and just let it go, don't hole up b/c you are embarrased, she should be embarrased if she opens her mouth.

Since I am not drinking, I am in massive what they call "dry drunk" phase, grumpy, nasty, etc.. Husband and parents told me. Its like shove it, but I cannot say it. People sometimes do not understand bipolar or other things or how hard it really is.

Well, I am just sitting here now, can't sleep much more. I have no choice but to take my mom to her Dr's appt. tomorrow morning.

I found the empty bottle of vodka that she put away like that. UGH, I know for a fact, that the bottle was at least half full, when I had made my drinks on Xmas before the poop hit the fan. I know she drank after they took me via rescue to the ER.

She says no it wasn't. Well I really think it is time for me to have a break from her, I am not crazy about her PCP, but something has to give here, I thought it would be easy, and some days it is. Yet, I run like a gofer for her, and it is draining me, besides taking care of laundry, shopping, appts, cleaning, cooking. Get me this, get me that, and then thanks at least.

It's just been way too much crap in my life happening since August of 2005 and to be honest it is surely getting to me. Again she won't budge and I have no power of attorney only medical if she can't tallk for herself.

She is going downhill anyway, with all that has transpired with her. So, here I am having to watch it and take it.

Just venting. I'll survive.

Nikko