Finding it so hard to hang on
 

This body that behaves like quicksand
Slowly crushing you
Slowly the life coming to an end
Let go I tell myself
Just let go
To have this feeling come to me
The devils hour
I’m up every morning at three crying for an hour before I rerun to bed after making Eva’s lunch and breakfast
I am just broken
Haven’t been seen or heard from
Just how I am
So much taken from this body in the last ten years
One by one
Piece by piece
Was never like this
Yet here I am
This death in my gut
Take it from me I ask every single morning
This is how I wake
Every single morning
How did I get here
Me

P.S.
Had the breast reconstruction
In worse pain now
I was never given the choice
I did my homework
With my insurance company
Found a five star doctor
But that’s not what happened
I can’t even look at me without crying
Especially my left side

December 9
 

This be the day I disrobe before my doctor
For the first three months back and forth back and forth to hi
After some time
The last time I was in front of him
His outlook to make nipples something I never would have had done
But it was bleak each time I went to see him as I couldn’t sleep for a week the pain was just so unbearable
I had my family vice me between rolled up blankets on each side of my body as I lay on my back
Something I am not used to
What was he thinking I keep telling myself
I so cannot wait to see him
I sick of the brush me off attitude
What the hell does he want to get paid for
I will live with this pain who knows for how long
December 9th
Me

My last final visit 6 months post op
 

And his answer knowing how I explained under no circumstances would I ever increase a grain more of pain meds
Because having to have done the extensive homework the courage to finally address it always chief complaint pain in one
Double bubble in the other that I was told it would fall into place to give it time
LIE
and to then hear this doctor say I don’t know why you healed as you did and the pain is not understood now in both
Said sorry and walked out the door