This body that behaves like quicksand
Slowly crushing you
Slowly the life coming to an end
Let go I tell myself
Just let go
To have this feeling come to me
The devils hour
I’m up every morning at three crying for an hour before I rerun to bed after making Eva’s lunch and breakfast
I am just broken
Haven’t been seen or heard from
Just how I am
So much taken from this body in the last ten years
One by one
Piece by piece
Was never like this
Yet here I am
This death in my gut
Take it from me I ask every single morning
This is how I wake
Every single morning
How did I get here
Me

P.S.
Had the breast reconstruction
In worse pain now
I was never given the choice
I did my homework
With my insurance company
Found a five star doctor
But that’s not what happened
I can’t even look at me without crying
Especially my left side

This be the day I disrobe before my doctor
For the first three months back and forth back and forth to hi
After some time
The last time I was in front of him
His outlook to make nipples something I never would have had done
But it was bleak each time I went to see him as I couldn’t sleep for a week the pain was just so unbearable
I had my family vice me between rolled up blankets on each side of my body as I lay on my back
Something I am not used to
What was he thinking I keep telling myself
I so cannot wait to see him
I sick of the brush me off attitude
What the hell does he want to get paid for
I will live with this pain who knows for how long
December 9th
Me