My spine issues began almost 6 years ago. Spine fusion/laminectomy. Surgeon said he had never seen such a red angry nerve being crushed. Having the surgery may have helped from never being able to walk. Not sure. Just a lot of pain that didn't stop though. Eventually needed a cane to help take pressure off spine. Then bladder surgery done by a very incompetent urogolist that really caused the PN to go into edema, statsis dermatatis and the awful burning of feet and ankle and leg pain as well. No more vacations; unable to drive, etc. My life had changed drastically. I, so often felt like I really did not want to go on.

I have a framed photo of my painting of the Divine Mercy on my nightstand. Every night I hold out my hands, while praying and give it "all to God". My fears, anxiety, pain and suffering, asking God to give me the strength and courage to cope and accept all that he has permitted to happen to me.

I still have my days; always will....but gradually, I realized others needed me. Even though my children are married adults. How they still need their Mom. Started trying to be more cheerful, joke and smile in spite of the awful pain. I realized I had only been thinking of myself, letting this eat away at me; especially those in the medical profession; they weren't worth making myself even more sick and depressed.

Then one day...Eva...it was like a cloud lifted and okay; no more vacations, no more of this and that; but "dear God; help me make the most of each and every day You give me". This was the life I have now and try not to dwell on what I can no longer do; but what I can do. What I no longer have; but do have. I also work hard at not living in the fear of what tomorrow may bring. By doing this, I am making tomorrow happen today. Today is enough without living in "fear" of tomorrow. We each really only have today. And when the tomorrows do come.... they might be filled with good things. For now....let's just get thru today!!!

Eva, you have taken up your "cross" and are carrying it along with Jesus. I hear and feel it in all your posts. You are now even closer with your family than ever. I know addiction; my middle daughter suffered from cocaine addiction. She is now counseling and sponsoring many of those suffering from addiction. I know your son is battleing the disease of addiction. He so needs his mother. You have shown him that recovery is possible.

Eva....your family needs you and you are such a gift to all you come in contact with. We here on NT are fortunate you have found us. You have given so many of us the knowledge that in spite of pain and suffering that;
God is Good
God is Love
God is Hope
God is present with us
here and always will be

Thank you Jesus for our dear Eva.

(Gerry)

thank you for being honest
your sharing touched something
my emotions bring me to conflicting
tears the pain of it and the beauty
of recovery
thank you for sharing
it means much more
than you think
best to you and family

dear friends

just posting
april 25th
i see the reconstruction
doctor my throat in my
stomach already
still not done
the spacers are still
in and haven't been filled
it will be 6 weeks
of course nervous
no more surgeries
this will be the last
until then
surgery only life saving
till my appointment
all have a blessed day

tomorrow will be our first day at the pool
it will be interesting
the weather is to be
the better of the three
day vacation
still going to wear bathing
suites that are low cut
i am okay with it not bad
i am certain when
permanent ones are in
it will be more than 50%
when all is said and done
i will do a 3D affect
i'll see the complete
healing tattoo nipples
and then maybe nipple rings
for the visual effect
i do not regret
not one moment
for now I DO NOT HAVE CANCER
THERE
don't like that i have to take
cancer meds
ALTHOUGH
to be honest
i am actually
saved from going through
radiation or sit for hours
as the med drip slowly into my
veins
i have been spared
the extreme
the ultimate
i loose just enough hair to remind me
why
only GOD can answer that
go to the reconstruction doctor
next week
till then
take care of your body
listen to it
feel it
get to know yourself all
over again
for me at least


someone who cares

dear friends

wednesday i go to reconstructive
surgeon spacers are ready to
come out well see let all know
there is no sensation
skin feels dead
right breast had
the cancer much
more to it
it was to be found
deep within even though
i felt it
point
naturally both
different one more
concave than the other
opting no nipple reconstruction
possible good artist who
could tattoo 3D effect
gosh
such worries
bull ****
lets see what happens
wednesday
great for persons who endure
reconstruction is a complete
different ball game
the tamoxifen killing me
sweats again just when they
stopped
took me off of prozac
and replaced it with
lexepro
we will see
get your mammograms
check your breasts
this too must be done
to men as they too can
have breast cancer

someone who cares

dear friends

it is time for the
spacers to be removed
and permanent balloons
to go in
not opting for
nipple reconstruction
maybe nipple rings
tattoo
this is not priority
will do something
but having spacers
have magnets
and are temporary
they will be saline
after the removal
of magnets very much
needed MRI'S can be
done as i am going
to a new doctor
for my spinal cord disorder
right now
my children did most of the work
by breastfeeding them
i produced plenty of milk
for my four children
i pray for a smooth
transition as this
will be my last evasive
surgery
i am open to
microscopic surgery
as my new doctor
is aware of

men and women
check yourself
i found mine
have had my mammos
every year for the last
11 years
it matters!

DEAR FRIENDS

the date for breast surgery

HERE COME SATURDAY

JULY 28TH