My 56 year old husband has had 3 minor strokes since October. He has no real physical problems, and his mental rpocesses have some minor issues; some memory problems. His personality has changed, and not for the better. He told me right after the first stroke that he wasnt sure whether he wanted to be married any more. He was very confused. Three months later, it hasnt gotten any better, and he has not sought any help. This weekend we had an argument and he again told me he didnt know if he wanted to stay married, although he said he loves me. All affectionate behavior has stopped, and he repels me when I approach him. He refused to go to any of my family's holiday events. He told me he would seek some professional help, since waiting for it to get better on his own isn't working. He has never been cold hearted, but last night, after a tearful discussion, he said we were done talking, went into the kitchen, got popcorn, came into the room sat in the recliner, propped his feet up and ate popcorn and watched me cry, without one single word. I am completely heartbroken. This is not my husband. I think maybe he is escalating bad behavior so I will leave, but he continues to say he is confused, and I cannot leave him with out feeling like and appeaing to be a heartless you know what. I am 51, with medical problems of my own, I need help on how I can get through this without any more damage.. I feel worthless, ugly and unlovable, even though he says it isnt me. maybe I just need someone to listen I am being ripped to shreds. I don't know what to do.

Hi
so sorry to hear what is happening with your husband. Illness and medications etc can have some very unexpected effects on mental health.

Have you tried to get help from other family members to help him see he may not be making the right decisions based on his health? Perhaps they can help you convince him to see his doctor about this behavior?Maybe your husband will agree to get evaluations and possible help, and things may get better.

If he refuses, and insists he wants out of the marriage, all you really can do is to look out for yourself. If he is going to be insensitive and make your life miserable, you may be better off on your own. Hard to do after many years of marriage, but sometimes necessary if there is no other way to live at least peacefully together.

I hope you have someone close who can support you emotionally through all this.

Wow, iowagal. You've got a lot on your plate.

It sounds to me (I'm not a professional) that you are hoping for something to officially "break" so you can feel better about leaving him.

That's what we called it when my mother's Alzheimer's worsened to the point that she wasn't "lovable" anymore. No one dared make her angry by suggesting she move into an assisted care facility, so we waited for "something to break." Finally, she fell and broke her hip.

That made it okay to put her somewhere because it was in her best interest (instead of us being too "selfish"/overwhelmed to care for her.

When I reach a point that I'm just so confused (as you seem right now), I ask myself this question: "What's the worst that could happen?"

If you stay, you know from experience that you'll feel terrible about yourself because your DH isn't the same man you married.

If you leave, then what? What's the worst that could happen?

I know a member of this message board who finally got the guts to leave her uncaring, domineering husband after 30+ years of marriage. She has peace in her life now and feels better about herself than she has in years.

I hope you are able to reach the decision that is right for you, iowagal.

Keep posting, as this is a great sounding board -- lots of great and caring folks here. Blessings to you!

You poor thing... I am so sorry to hear you are going through this.
It's hard to answer your question about your marriage without having known you both personally before and after the strokes. Do you have someone who DOES know you both personally that can tell you better (and with honesty) if this behavior is out of character for him or unexpected? Also have you talked to his doctor to see if he can change some of his meds that may be causing these mood changes?

In the end, there is no band-aid for this kind of pain, and I am here if you want to private message me just so you dont feel alone. In the meantime, you are not worthless, ugly or unlovable. You are a devoted wife and caregiver and you deserve to be treated with love and respect.

Hang in there.

Strokes can change personality. This may not be him talking, it may be the damage from the strokes. He must have a neurologist, yes? YOU need to talk to this doc to find out if this is a medical problem, or if your husband is just upset/depressed by what has happened to him and is acting out. In either case, he won't be comprehending that he has a problem, so he is unlikely to go to any doctor on his own. He may not understand why he is feeling the way he is. You owe it to yourself, and him, to figure out where the problem is coming from, and then decide if there is any way to fix, adapt to, or deal with the problem, or if it is time to let go of the unfounded guilt you feel towards the idea of abandoning him, and take care of yourself as you deserve.