Caregivers Support A place for people who are a caregiver to another to find help and support.


advertisement
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 08-11-2015, 05:53 PM #11
DejaVu's Avatar
DejaVu DejaVu is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 1,521
15 yr Member
DejaVu DejaVu is offline
Senior Member
DejaVu's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 1,521
15 yr Member
Default

Oh, yes, the new house!
Very exciting!
Quite a project you have undertaken. Well done, I am sure!

I am glad you have had a good day!

I feel it's a valuable skill to be able to set certain matters aside and attend to other matters, to live life. This gives us a break from certain stressful situations. Seems reasonable to me.

Yes, it's hard to ignore irrational behaviors and behaviors which hurt us.
However, there are circumstances when it's more sane to find a way to separate ourselves from the stress and have some enjoyment in our day/eves.

My first fiancé had become very abusive after we had become engaged, long ago. It was a huge change in him. It was a nightmare. He would not go to couples counseling, etc. He was very belligerent. It was shocking. I had eventually found out he had become addicted to cocaine. He was trying to hide this from me. He'd refused to give it up. I broke off the engagement.
I remember the obsessing, trying to make sense out of irrational behaviors, trying to get over the deep hurt, etc.

I am no expert; yet, I feel you are on a healthy track.

I hope you have an equally pleasant evening!



DejaVu
DejaVu is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
tamiloo (08-24-2015)

advertisement
Old 08-11-2015, 09:39 PM #12
falldc's Avatar
falldc falldc is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 24
8 yr Member
falldc falldc is offline
Junior Member
falldc's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 24
8 yr Member
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by DejaVu View Post


My first fiancé had become very abusive after we had become engaged, long ago. It was a huge change in him. It was a nightmare. He would not go to couples counseling, etc. He was very belligerent. It was shocking. I had eventually found out he had become addicted to cocaine. He was trying to hide this from me. He'd refused to give it up. I broke off the engagement.
I remember the obsessing, trying to make sense out of irrational behaviors, trying to get over the deep hurt, etc.

I am no expert; yet, I feel you are on a healthy track.

I hope you have an equally pleasant evening!



DejaVu
That had to be hard for you. I don't think I would or could handle addiction to drugs. Smart that you got out of that situation. That had to be a hard and brave decision on your part. I admire people that are not afraid to nip things in the bud.
My husband does not drink. Or when he does, it is very rare. The few times I saw him drunk, he was nasty to me and arguementive. so it is a good thing he is not a drunk.
He is not physically abusive although his angry outbursts are intimidating and I guess you can call "the fear of physical abuse" almost as bad as the real thing.

He has always been a well liked person in our family and friends. In all outward appearances he is a "good guy" but that has slipped away with the brain injury and I notice he has altercations with people other than me. His golf friends for instance.
He's a good person. But we clash in a lot of ways. I have always been the one to bring up an issue that needs discussing. He was brought up to bury issues and not discuss them.
Now with the brain injury, trying to discuss anything that needs discussing is impossible.
I've been burying them myself to avoid arguments. Something I am not used to doing. I really like to clear the air when there is any dispute.

I have never been the kind of person that is afraid to walk away from a dysfunctional relationship. But that is usually friends or coworkers.
My husband was my first serious relationship and we married young.

I think at this point. I will make no major changes, try to be there for him as a support with his medical issues. But I am not going to compromise myself in the process. If he can't handle it, then he can be the one to initiate separation. I would feel guilty and bad for him at this point, for me to be the one to leave.

Right now....silence..still shunned. Took a walk to get away from the stress and called my daughter for support and someone to vent to. Poor girl has to be sick of it!
Thank goodness we work opposite hours and see each other only at dinner time.
Great day otherwise!
falldc is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
DejaVu (08-11-2015), ger715 (09-08-2015), tamiloo (08-24-2015)
Old 08-11-2015, 10:40 PM #13
DejaVu's Avatar
DejaVu DejaVu is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 1,521
15 yr Member
DejaVu DejaVu is offline
Senior Member
DejaVu's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 1,521
15 yr Member
Talking You are a very strong person

Hi falldc,

You come across as very straight-forward in our interactions.
I don't perceive you as someone full of fear with people in general.

For all of us, our commitment to, our histories with, our spouses/partners is very different than other relationships. We are often willing to endure more because of our histories together, our sense of attachment to one another, our sense of security with one another, etc. It all runs very deep.

You are right, it was very hard to leave my fiancé then. Yet, that does not compare to a relationship like yours, in which you have been married over 30 years, have had children, have just built your dream home, etc.

Many women experience mid-life crises, too. In the least, they may feel like "It's my turn!" My turn to take care of ME! My turn to stop taking care of everyone else (even though I love them dearly)!

I'll admit, I am going through a bit of that now in my own life.
There's nothing wrong with needing that type of a shift anyway.
(I am close to your age.)

Just when many women are yearning for a shift in care-taking, sometimes, their partner needs more care-taking. It happens.

The idea of a "silent treatment" or being "shunned" in your own home, just hurts so much. I have had a few people act that way, but not in my home. It has to be almost unbearable.

Is it possible to approach your husband, at any point, when he is giving you the silent treatment? How do these episodes end? When does he start talking with you again? What happens if you initiate conversation?

Have you thought about meeting with your husband and his neurologist in order to see if something might be helpful?

I recall he was told he was depressed. Will he agree to treatment for depression?

I fully understand the sense of guilt you'd experience for asking for a separation, etc.

As for taking care of yourself, it seems like you have a good plan.

I want to invite you to visit the Traumatic Brain Injury and Post-Concussion forum here, if doing so interests you. You may find helpful information there in the "stickies" threads at the top of the forum. You are also very welcomed to post there anytime. (I am there, off and on. I am not the most knowledgeable person. In fact, I am just learning more about these issues, since a head trauma changed my life 2+ years ago. I was previously a very calm, very thoughtful person. I became very irritable, very impulsive, with severe mood swings. I have needed medication to help me with all of that. I could not read, compose sentences, talk well -- for several months. It has been a very scary experience. I am grateful I am doing better now and I remain hopeful for further recovery.)

No pressure from me to take a look at the forum, by the way. I just want you to know you are very welcomed there.

I truly feel your number one priority is in taking care of yourself, primarily, right now.

I am glad you have had a good day!
I hope you have a peaceful, restful night!


DejaVu
DejaVu is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
ger715 (08-15-2015), tamiloo (08-24-2015)
Old 08-14-2015, 08:11 PM #14
falldc's Avatar
falldc falldc is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 24
8 yr Member
falldc falldc is offline
Junior Member
falldc's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 24
8 yr Member
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by DejaVu View Post
Hi falldc,



No pressure from me to take a look at the forum, by the way. I just want you to know you are very welcomed there.

I truly feel your number one priority is in taking care of yourself, primarily, right now.

I am glad you have had a good day!
I hope you have a peaceful, restful night!


DejaVu
Hi DejaVu,
THank you for the invite to the group. I will definitely check it out.

Since I last wrote, a lot happened.

Yes I do approach him when he does the silent treatments now that he has the brain injury. I feel things are different and need to treat this different than I did in the past. I used to totally ignore it until he got tired of it and came around to me.
But he is not thinking right. So I approached him first.

We had a lot of discussion over the past few days. Lots of talk, tears and surprisingly with no yelling or stomping off. But we both put a lot on the table.

I told him that he is blaming his unhappiness on me, which is wrong and he actually said he can see that.
I brought up some instances where he made me feel terrible in front of others, and I was shocked to see him remorseful for the first time in a long time. But even more so.

We know we do not have things totally worked out. He will not take meds until he is retired because of his work. But he said he will see someone to talk with and discuss things with.
Not sure if he will follow up on it.

Divorce is not an option since I would feel guilty leaving him and would actually worry about him and if he was okay.

You are right about the "I want something for ME now" after taking care of kids etc and now at our age want some fun. I was the caretaker for both my aging parents. My mother had severe dementia. THe burden was on my shoulders out of the 5 siblings in our family. But I was happy and honored to take care of my parents, so no regrets there.

OUt of the blue this week, I met a man that struck up a conversation with me in a waiting room and I find out that he had brain trauma as well, but much worse than my husband. He is recovered and is doing great and very happy in his life. He still has some residual memory and cognitive problems but is dealing. We talked for two hours.

He said that he was at an all time low and that you can pull out of it. He said my husband needed Male Commraderie to get through this. Others that have the same issues.
He even gave me his email and name to give to my husband would meet or talk with him. I met his wife briefly as she came out of her apt and said she had a lot to deal with and it was not easy.
My husband was extremely touched when I told him about it and gave him the name and email and I hope he follows through.
This man was what I like to call an "earth angel" who has no idea that he is one. Just like you are DeJevu! My cyber "earth angel"

Right now I am not going to get my hopes up just because things are going well.
One day at a time. I see issues with my husband looming down the road already when we discuss retirement and what "his" dream is vs "mine"
But that is several years away.

I want him to enjoy the new home. I'm hoping he will find some joy in life.
I gave a few suggestions and hope he will try one or two.
I told him that he is not alone (the man I met told me to make sure my husband knows he has people working with him on this)
that me and our daughters are there for him.
He told me that he felt like he was in this little prison in his life.
THat made me sad. I can only imagine how depressed he must have been feeling.

Thanks again for listening and for all your suggestions. I will check out the latest links you just posted.

We had a lovely dinner out tonight before he went to work. Usually weekends are bad since we are both home. Send some positive vibes and thoughts.
And have a great weekend yourself!!
falldc is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
DejaVu (08-15-2015), ger715 (08-15-2015), tamiloo (08-24-2015)
Old 08-15-2015, 12:30 PM #15
DejaVu's Avatar
DejaVu DejaVu is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 1,521
15 yr Member
DejaVu DejaVu is offline
Senior Member
DejaVu's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 1,521
15 yr Member
Heart Heart -to - Heart!

Hi falldc,

Wow! I am thrilled you both are making progress!

The ability to talk heart-to-heart often helps both parties to feel compassion for one another. Nicely done!


Yes, it sounds like you have had a heavy burden of caretaking, even though you have no regrets. Caretaking can take a toll, as you know. It's important to keep a balanced life, as much as possible when caretaking. Need to have time for you and time for relaxation and fun!

Life is interesting. This gentleman had crossed your path at a very critical time. Perhaps the Universe is looking out for you, answering your requests for insights, clarity, direction?

It's extra special this gentleman has offered to extend himself to your husband. I hope this extra support is helpful to your husband!

One of the topics we've discussed in the Traumatic Brain Injury and Post Concussion Syndrome forum is the fact that those of us having suffered injuries which made us overly irritable, quick to anger, had uttered harsh words without thinking (impulsivity) -- we had felt immediate remorse and guilt. We were as mortified as our loved ones by what we had said and/or how we had said it. Fortunately, our loved ones forgave us as we took further responsibility by finding ways to stop hurting them (and ourselves at the same time), finding ways to overcome our new, and problematic, behaviors.

I also feel the "one day at a time" approach is the best approach. I often utilize another well-known phrase: we are looking for "progress, not perfection."

You both are going through many life adjustments at this time.

You have a very open heart, an open mind and show compassion.
It's amazing the healing which can occur with heart-to-heart talks!
I hope you and hubby can enjoy more of these types of talks.

Thanks for the compliment. I can't be sure I'll be helpful ahead of time. I had felt your pain and wanted to respond to you. I can only hope my responses have helped somehow.

(It's been helpful to me to also have a member here, ger715, commenting on your intro thread and following this thread. I feel a supportive spirit accompanying us! I hope ger715 will write in this thread if she feels led to do so.)

Offering positive energy and healing vibes!
I hope you and hubby, and guests, enjoy the weekend!

Shining Heart-to-Heart,
DejaVu
DejaVu is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
ger715 (08-23-2015), tamiloo (08-24-2015)
Old 08-23-2015, 10:38 PM #16
ger715 ger715 is offline
Magnate
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Illinois
Posts: 2,180
10 yr Member
ger715 ger715 is offline
Magnate
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Illinois
Posts: 2,180
10 yr Member
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by falldc View Post
Hi DejaVu,
THank you for the invite to the group. I will definitely check it out.

Since I last wrote, a lot happened.

Yes I do approach him when he does the silent treatments now that he has the brain injury. I feel things are different and need to treat this different than I did in the past. I used to totally ignore it until he got tired of it and came around to me.
But he is not thinking right. So I approached him first.

We had a lot of discussion over the past few days. Lots of talk, tears and surprisingly with no yelling or stomping off. But we both put a lot on the table.

I told him that he is blaming his unhappiness on me, which is wrong and he actually said he can see that.
I brought up some instances where he made me feel terrible in front of others, and I was shocked to see him remorseful for the first time in a long time. But even more so.

We know we do not have things totally worked out. He will not take meds until he is retired because of his work. But he said he will see someone to talk with and discuss things with.
Not sure if he will follow up on it.

Divorce is not an option since I would feel guilty leaving him and would actually worry about him and if he was okay.

You are right about the "I want something for ME now" after taking care of kids etc and now at our age want some fun. I was the caretaker for both my aging parents. My mother had severe dementia. THe burden was on my shoulders out of the 5 siblings in our family. But I was happy and honored to take care of my parents, so no regrets there.

OUt of the blue this week, I met a man that struck up a conversation with me in a waiting room and I find out that he had brain trauma as well, but much worse than my husband. He is recovered and is doing great and very happy in his life. He still has some residual memory and cognitive problems but is dealing. We talked for two hours.

He said that he was at an all time low and that you can pull out of it. He said my husband needed Male Commraderie to get through this. Others that have the same issues.
He even gave me his email and name to give to my husband would meet or talk with him. I met his wife briefly as she came out of her apt and said she had a lot to deal with and it was not easy.
My husband was extremely touched when I told him about it and gave him the name and email and I hope he follows through.
This man was what I like to call an "earth angel" who has no idea that he is one. Just like you are DeJevu! My cyber "earth angel"

Right now I am not going to get my hopes up just because things are going well.
One day at a time. I see issues with my husband looming down the road already when we discuss retirement and what "his" dream is vs "mine"
But that is several years away.

I want him to enjoy the new home. I'm hoping he will find some joy in life.
I gave a few suggestions and hope he will try one or two.
I told him that he is not alone (the man I met told me to make sure my husband knows he has people working with him on this)
that me and our daughters are there for him.
He told me that he felt like he was in this little prison in his life.
THat made me sad. I can only imagine how depressed he must have been feeling.

Thanks again for listening and for all your suggestions. I will check out the latest links you just posted.

We had a lovely dinner out tonight before he went to work. Usually weekends are bad since we are both home. Send some positive vibes and thoughts.
And have a great weekend yourself!!

Hi,
I was glad to learn of time enjoyed together. The fact your husband was able to admit he felt like he was in "this little prison in his life" is a good sign he wants to change. It does not feel good for him either.

Will most likely continue with ups and downs; but hopefully there will be more "ups" coming for both of you. He probably does not like himself either when he says these hurtful things or gives the "silent treatment". It is a punishment for both of you which neither of you deserve.

Pray your endurance will bring joy into your lives; but remember you also must do things that you enjoy "just for you".



Gerry
ger715 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
DejaVu (08-24-2015), tamiloo (08-24-2015)
Old 08-24-2015, 10:35 PM #17
falldc's Avatar
falldc falldc is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 24
8 yr Member
falldc falldc is offline
Junior Member
falldc's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 24
8 yr Member
Red face

Quote:
Originally Posted by ger715 View Post
Hi,


Pray your endurance will bring joy into your lives; but remember you also must do things that you enjoy "just for you".



Gerry
Hi Gerry and Dejevu,
It's been a few days....
Things are steady here. I avoid any conflict by basically...avoidance. I know that is not the way to do things in a normal situation, and have never handled things like this before in our marriage. But with the brain injury, I am finding out that sometimes things are not worth arguing or debating. I am not trying to be "right" anymore, like I might have been before this happened to him.

SOmetimes it gets me mad because I see a lot of his his personality flaws that he's always had. Just magnified. What I didn't like before is much worse.

We have been pretty peaceful since the silent treatment. Civil conversations etc.
I avoid him when he is irritable.

He did come home from his ballgame the other day mad. Evidently the guys were not taking his suggestions and he stomped off mad and went home.
When he told me about it, I just remarked "well its a good thing it is only a game"
HE got quiet and left the room. Not what he wanted to hear, I guess.
He is having these altercations more with other people.
at work as well.

He is hard to be around. I feel bad for him, but I can see why he is being alienated more and more.

I cannot believe how much I am changing to accommodate this new person in my life.
I would never have handled things this way years ago. It would have been fireworks!
falldc is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
DejaVu (08-24-2015), ger715 (08-25-2015), tamiloo (08-24-2015)
Old 08-24-2015, 11:28 PM #18
DejaVu's Avatar
DejaVu DejaVu is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 1,521
15 yr Member
DejaVu DejaVu is offline
Senior Member
DejaVu's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 1,521
15 yr Member
Heart There's Hope

Hi falldc,

I had to laugh, rather heartily, along with you, of course! Your last sentence struck a chord with me.

It sounds like you are adjusting and trying to make the best of things.

It's interesting, I have found when I make a shift in my usual stance, soon thereafter, the other person also makes a shift. Our initial shift creates space for someone else to also shift. I find this often helpful.

As you keep your cool and take things in stride, avoid conflict, he may follow your lead.

Sounds like things aren't ideal-- when are they ever in real life.
Sounds like the situation is improving?

I am very impressed with the fact that you sound like you are in a very different space, a less stressed, more healthy space?

It's great to hear from you!
Continue taking good care!


DejaVu
DejaVu is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
ger715 (08-25-2015), tamiloo (08-24-2015)
Old 08-25-2015, 09:47 PM #19
falldc's Avatar
falldc falldc is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 24
8 yr Member
falldc falldc is offline
Junior Member
falldc's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 24
8 yr Member
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by DejaVu View Post
Hi falldc,

It sounds like you are adjusting and trying to make the best of things.

It's interesting, I have found when I make a shift in my usual stance, soon thereafter, the other person also makes a shift. Our initial shift creates space for someone else to also shift. I find this often helpful.

As you keep your cool and take things in stride, avoid conflict, he may follow your lead.

DejaVu
I think with the shift I have had since all this began, I do notice he has made some positive changes as well.
I know that it can turn on a dime though. He will get nasty when something sets him off.
One major thing I have noticed is his lack of motivation. I read that is a common complaint from frontal brain injuries. He admits that he has no motivation to do anything. He works and that is about it. Which I am thankful for. But sitting in front of the tv is not healthy.

I am going to start going to yoga class once a week after one of my work days. I think the yoga and meditation that is a part of the class will be a good thing.
falldc is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
DejaVu (08-27-2015), ger715 (08-25-2015)
Old 08-25-2015, 10:34 PM #20
ger715 ger715 is offline
Magnate
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Illinois
Posts: 2,180
10 yr Member
ger715 ger715 is offline
Magnate
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Illinois
Posts: 2,180
10 yr Member
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by falldc View Post
I think with the shift I have had since all this began, I do notice he has made some positive changes as well.
I know that it can turn on a dime though. He will get nasty when something sets him off.
One major thing I have noticed is his lack of motivation. I read that is a common complaint from frontal brain injuries. He admits that he has no motivation to do anything. He works and that is about it. Which I am thankful for. But sitting in front of the tv is not healthy.

I am going to start going to yoga class once a week after one of my work days. I think the yoga and meditation that is a part of the class will be a good thing.


Glad you are doing for yourself what will be good for both you and your husband as well.



Gerry

Last edited by ger715; 08-25-2015 at 11:52 PM.
ger715 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
uneasiness in frontal lobe of brain jaya New Member Introductions 3 10-14-2014 01:41 AM
What does a dark patch on the frontal lobe on a t2 mri represent? britcoins General Health Conditions & Rare Disorders 0 11-24-2012 03:07 AM
Caregiver for frontal lobe TBI adolescent: Need help Exhausted_Sage Traumatic Brain Injury and Post Concussion Syndrome 22 04-20-2012 11:39 AM
Another Day in the Frontal Lobe..... Nat Hyland Hydrocephalus 0 09-22-2006 11:09 PM


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 01:09 AM.

Powered by vBulletin • Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.

vBulletin Optimisation provided by vB Optimise v2.7.1 (Lite) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2024 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
 

NeuroTalk Forums

Helping support those with neurological and related conditions.

 

The material on this site is for informational purposes only,
and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment
provided by a qualified health care provider.


Always consult your doctor before trying anything you read here.