Hi DejaVu,
Right now he is not talking to me still. I have some plans for this upcoming weekend in the air. Might need to cancel with some old friends and will cancel if he is not talking to me by Friday. I certainly cannot have people over with him acting this way.

I did go to the two websites you posted and ticked off quite a few of the "emotional abuse" signs.
In all honesty, I think all of us have been victim to some and even perpetrator. But he is for sure abusing me emotionally. I knew that years ago.

He would probably stomp out of a couples counseling if it did not go his way. Or after we leave he will deny the therapist said something or pointed out any problems he might have.
When he was at a neurology appt that my daughter took him to, he denied that the doctor said he had depression. My daughter taped the entire visit for me to listen to later. I told him that I was listening to the tape and the doctor did say he was depressed!
Now he agrees months later that he might be depressed.

I would feel like I am abandoning him if I left him. I wish I had left sooner. Before the trauma.
Even though he is never there for me when I am not feeling well, I cant do the same to him. I don't want any regrets later.

I am aware that the stress from him can take a toll on me physically. I notice signs of that already.
I guess what I need to do is take the suggestions on that site you recommended. On what to do if you are remaining in an emotionally abusive relationship. They do recommend to make it temporary though.

Thanks for listening!

Hi falldc,

I hope looking at the sites was helpful in some way.

I totally agree with you, many of us unknowingly do or say things which are considered "emotional abuse." We have grown up in environments where some form of emotional abuse was the "norm" and have no idea some of our behaviors, or behaviors of our loved ones, may be emotional abusive.

The key is in raising awareness. Not pointing fingers and blaming someone else. Taking responsibility for our own behaviors. Sometimes, when partners are made aware emotional abuse has been occurring, both take actions to ensure healthier interactions.

It's a joy to see your written response.
Your response shows a lot of insight. Gaining insight and perspective is critically important in eliciting the most favorable outcome, whether you both stay together or eventually part ways.

As for your plans this weekend: Is there any option of seeing your old friends at another location? If so, your husband may join if his behavior has shifted. If his stance remains the same, you won't miss out on seeing your friends. Just a thought.

You are in a very tough situation. Any compassionate person would feel very guilty for leaving.

Some of these emotional abuse services/sites/hotlines can be very helpful in helping us to better understand the situation, better understand our feelings, better understand our options. They often provide validation and support.
Most understand if someone feels s/he must remain in the relationship for various reasons. They don't require someone to leave the situation in order to lend support.

There may also be local services for you, a local support group or counseling, etc.

I do hope you will consider getting some additional support, whether you stay or leave.

My heart goes out to you. You are currently in a truly difficult position.


DejaVu

P.S. Have FUN as often as possible!

Well the idea for the visit was for them to see the new house. I will wait until date gets closer to decide....

I don't know how healthy it is to do so...but I try to practice compartmentalizing. I wish I could do that better. Setting this aside and thinking of other things. And getting on with other things.

Had a great day today being good to "me" with the day off from work.

All through our marriage when he pulled the silent treatment, I would spend the time obsessing about it, and thinking about it. Pretty much letting the days get away and nothing productive done until we were on speaking terms again.
I'm making an effort to do what needs to be done in the house and garden. And living in general. It is such a waste of precious time to make it all consuming.

I don't want to reward his "shunning" by giving in. Hard to do though.

Oh, yes, the new house!
Very exciting!
Quite a project you have undertaken. Well done, I am sure!

I am glad you have had a good day!

I feel it's a valuable skill to be able to set certain matters aside and attend to other matters, to live life. This gives us a break from certain stressful situations. Seems reasonable to me.

Yes, it's hard to ignore irrational behaviors and behaviors which hurt us.
However, there are circumstances when it's more sane to find a way to separate ourselves from the stress and have some enjoyment in our day/eves.

My first fiancé had become very abusive after we had become engaged, long ago. It was a huge change in him. It was a nightmare. He would not go to couples counseling, etc. He was very belligerent. It was shocking. I had eventually found out he had become addicted to cocaine. He was trying to hide this from me. He'd refused to give it up. I broke off the engagement.
I remember the obsessing, trying to make sense out of irrational behaviors, trying to get over the deep hurt, etc.

I am no expert; yet, I feel you are on a healthy track.

I hope you have an equally pleasant evening!



DejaVu

That had to be hard for you. I don't think I would or could handle addiction to drugs. Smart that you got out of that situation. That had to be a hard and brave decision on your part. I admire people that are not afraid to nip things in the bud.
My husband does not drink. Or when he does, it is very rare. The few times I saw him drunk, he was nasty to me and arguementive. so it is a good thing he is not a drunk.
He is not physically abusive although his angry outbursts are intimidating and I guess you can call "the fear of physical abuse" almost as bad as the real thing.

He has always been a well liked person in our family and friends. In all outward appearances he is a "good guy" but that has slipped away with the brain injury and I notice he has altercations with people other than me. His golf friends for instance.
He's a good person. But we clash in a lot of ways. I have always been the one to bring up an issue that needs discussing. He was brought up to bury issues and not discuss them.
Now with the brain injury, trying to discuss anything that needs discussing is impossible.
I've been burying them myself to avoid arguments. Something I am not used to doing. I really like to clear the air when there is any dispute.

I have never been the kind of person that is afraid to walk away from a dysfunctional relationship. But that is usually friends or coworkers.
My husband was my first serious relationship and we married young.

I think at this point. I will make no major changes, try to be there for him as a support with his medical issues. But I am not going to compromise myself in the process. If he can't handle it, then he can be the one to initiate separation. I would feel guilty and bad for him at this point, for me to be the one to leave.

Right now....silence..still shunned. Took a walk to get away from the stress and called my daughter for support and someone to vent to. Poor girl has to be sick of it!
Thank goodness we work opposite hours and see each other only at dinner time.
Great day otherwise!

Hi falldc,

You come across as very straight-forward in our interactions.
I don't perceive you as someone full of fear with people in general.

For all of us, our commitment to, our histories with, our spouses/partners is very different than other relationships. We are often willing to endure more because of our histories together, our sense of attachment to one another, our sense of security with one another, etc. It all runs very deep.

You are right, it was very hard to leave my fiancé then. Yet, that does not compare to a relationship like yours, in which you have been married over 30 years, have had children, have just built your dream home, etc.

Many women experience mid-life crises, too. In the least, they may feel like "It's my turn!" My turn to take care of ME! My turn to stop taking care of everyone else (even though I love them dearly)!

I'll admit, I am going through a bit of that now in my own life.
There's nothing wrong with needing that type of a shift anyway.
(I am close to your age.)

Just when many women are yearning for a shift in care-taking, sometimes, their partner needs more care-taking. It happens.

The idea of a "silent treatment" or being "shunned" in your own home, just hurts so much. I have had a few people act that way, but not in my home. It has to be almost unbearable.

Is it possible to approach your husband, at any point, when he is giving you the silent treatment? How do these episodes end? When does he start talking with you again? What happens if you initiate conversation?

Have you thought about meeting with your husband and his neurologist in order to see if something might be helpful?

I recall he was told he was depressed. Will he agree to treatment for depression?

I fully understand the sense of guilt you'd experience for asking for a separation, etc.

As for taking care of yourself, it seems like you have a good plan.

I want to invite you to visit the Traumatic Brain Injury and Post-Concussion forum here, if doing so interests you. You may find helpful information there in the "stickies" threads at the top of the forum. You are also very welcomed to post there anytime. (I am there, off and on. I am not the most knowledgeable person. In fact, I am just learning more about these issues, since a head trauma changed my life 2+ years ago. I was previously a very calm, very thoughtful person. I became very irritable, very impulsive, with severe mood swings. I have needed medication to help me with all of that. I could not read, compose sentences, talk well -- for several months. It has been a very scary experience. I am grateful I am doing better now and I remain hopeful for further recovery.)

No pressure from me to take a look at the forum, by the way. I just want you to know you are very welcomed there.

I truly feel your number one priority is in taking care of yourself, primarily, right now.

I am glad you have had a good day!
I hope you have a peaceful, restful night!


DejaVu

Hi DejaVu,
THank you for the invite to the group. I will definitely check it out.

Since I last wrote, a lot happened.

Yes I do approach him when he does the silent treatments now that he has the brain injury. I feel things are different and need to treat this different than I did in the past. I used to totally ignore it until he got tired of it and came around to me.
But he is not thinking right. So I approached him first.

We had a lot of discussion over the past few days. Lots of talk, tears and surprisingly with no yelling or stomping off. But we both put a lot on the table.

I told him that he is blaming his unhappiness on me, which is wrong and he actually said he can see that.
I brought up some instances where he made me feel terrible in front of others, and I was shocked to see him remorseful for the first time in a long time. But even more so.

We know we do not have things totally worked out. He will not take meds until he is retired because of his work. But he said he will see someone to talk with and discuss things with.
Not sure if he will follow up on it.

Divorce is not an option since I would feel guilty leaving him and would actually worry about him and if he was okay.

You are right about the "I want something for ME now" after taking care of kids etc and now at our age want some fun. I was the caretaker for both my aging parents. My mother had severe dementia. THe burden was on my shoulders out of the 5 siblings in our family. But I was happy and honored to take care of my parents, so no regrets there.

OUt of the blue this week, I met a man that struck up a conversation with me in a waiting room and I find out that he had brain trauma as well, but much worse than my husband. He is recovered and is doing great and very happy in his life. He still has some residual memory and cognitive problems but is dealing. We talked for two hours.

He said that he was at an all time low and that you can pull out of it. He said my husband needed Male Commraderie to get through this. Others that have the same issues.
He even gave me his email and name to give to my husband would meet or talk with him. I met his wife briefly as she came out of her apt and said she had a lot to deal with and it was not easy.
My husband was extremely touched when I told him about it and gave him the name and email and I hope he follows through.
This man was what I like to call an "earth angel" who has no idea that he is one. Just like you are DeJevu! My cyber "earth angel"

Right now I am not going to get my hopes up just because things are going well.
One day at a time. I see issues with my husband looming down the road already when we discuss retirement and what "his" dream is vs "mine"
But that is several years away.

I want him to enjoy the new home. I'm hoping he will find some joy in life.
I gave a few suggestions and hope he will try one or two.
I told him that he is not alone (the man I met told me to make sure my husband knows he has people working with him on this)
that me and our daughters are there for him.
He told me that he felt like he was in this little prison in his life.
THat made me sad. I can only imagine how depressed he must have been feeling.

Thanks again for listening and for all your suggestions. I will check out the latest links you just posted.

We had a lovely dinner out tonight before he went to work. Usually weekends are bad since we are both home. Send some positive vibes and thoughts.
And have a great weekend yourself!!