Husband is a Stranger now.... with frontal lobe malacia. Ruining our lives

ger715 · 08-23-2015, 10:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by falldc

Hi DejaVu,
THank you for the invite to the group. I will definitely check it out.

Since I last wrote, a lot happened.

Yes I do approach him when he does the silent treatments now that he has the brain injury. I feel things are different and need to treat this different than I did in the past. I used to totally ignore it until he got tired of it and came around to me.
But he is not thinking right. So I approached him first.

We had a lot of discussion over the past few days. Lots of talk, tears and surprisingly with no yelling or stomping off. But we both put a lot on the table.

I told him that he is blaming his unhappiness on me, which is wrong and he actually said he can see that.
I brought up some instances where he made me feel terrible in front of others, and I was shocked to see him remorseful for the first time in a long time. But even more so.

We know we do not have things totally worked out. He will not take meds until he is retired because of his work. But he said he will see someone to talk with and discuss things with.
Not sure if he will follow up on it.

Divorce is not an option since I would feel guilty leaving him and would actually worry about him and if he was okay.

You are right about the "I want something for ME now" after taking care of kids etc and now at our age want some fun. I was the caretaker for both my aging parents. My mother had severe dementia. THe burden was on my shoulders out of the 5 siblings in our family. But I was happy and honored to take care of my parents, so no regrets there.

OUt of the blue this week, I met a man that struck up a conversation with me in a waiting room and I find out that he had brain trauma as well, but much worse than my husband. He is recovered and is doing great and very happy in his life. He still has some residual memory and cognitive problems but is dealing. We talked for two hours.

He said that he was at an all time low and that you can pull out of it. He said my husband needed Male Commraderie to get through this. Others that have the same issues.
He even gave me his email and name to give to my husband would meet or talk with him. I met his wife briefly as she came out of her apt and said she had a lot to deal with and it was not easy.
My husband was extremely touched when I told him about it and gave him the name and email and I hope he follows through.
This man was what I like to call an "earth angel" who has no idea that he is one. Just like you are DeJevu!

My cyber "earth angel"

Right now I am not going to get my hopes up just because things are going well.
One day at a time. I see issues with my husband looming down the road already when we discuss retirement and what "his" dream is vs "mine"
But that is several years away.

I want him to enjoy the new home. I'm hoping he will find some joy in life.
I gave a few suggestions and hope he will try one or two.
I told him that he is not alone (the man I met told me to make sure my husband knows he has people working with him on this)
that me and our daughters are there for him.
He told me that he felt like he was in this little prison in his life.
THat made me sad. I can only imagine how depressed he must have been feeling.

Thanks again for listening and for all your suggestions. I will check out the latest links you just posted.

We had a lovely dinner out tonight before he went to work. Usually weekends are bad since we are both home. Send some positive vibes and thoughts.
And have a great weekend yourself!!

Hi,
I was glad to learn of time enjoyed together. The fact your husband was able to admit he felt like he was in "this little prison in his life" is a good sign he wants to change. It does not feel good for him either.

Will most likely continue with ups and downs; but hopefully there will be more "ups" coming for both of you. He probably does not like himself either when he says these hurtful things or gives the "silent treatment". It is a punishment for both of you which neither of you deserve.

Pray your endurance will bring joy into your lives; but remember you also must do things that you enjoy "just for you".

Gerry

falldc · 08-24-2015, 10:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ger715

Hi,

Pray your endurance will bring joy into your lives; but remember you also must do things that you enjoy "just for you".

Gerry

Hi Gerry and Dejevu,
It's been a few days....
Things are steady here. I avoid any conflict by basically...avoidance. I know that is not the way to do things in a normal situation, and have never handled things like this before in our marriage. But with the brain injury, I am finding out that sometimes things are not worth arguing or debating. I am not trying to be "right" anymore, like I might have been before this happened to him.

SOmetimes it gets me mad because I see a lot of his his personality flaws that he's always had. Just magnified. What I didn't like before is much worse.

We have been pretty peaceful since the silent treatment. Civil conversations etc.
I avoid him when he is irritable.

He did come home from his ballgame the other day mad. Evidently the guys were not taking his suggestions and he stomped off mad and went home.
When he told me about it, I just remarked "well its a good thing it is only a game"
HE got quiet and left the room. Not what he wanted to hear, I guess.
He is having these altercations more with other people.
at work as well.

He is hard to be around. I feel bad for him, but I can see why he is being alienated more and more.

I cannot believe how much I am changing to accommodate this new person in my life.
I would never have handled things this way years ago. It would have been fireworks!

DejaVu · 08-24-2015, 11:28 PM

Hi falldc,

I had to laugh, rather heartily, along with you, of course! Your last sentence struck a chord with me.

It sounds like you are adjusting and trying to make the best of things.

It's interesting, I have found when I make a shift in my usual stance, soon thereafter, the other person also makes a shift. Our initial shift creates space for someone else to also shift.

I find this often helpful.

As you keep your cool and take things in stride, avoid conflict, he may follow your lead.

Sounds like things aren't ideal-- when are they ever in real life.
Sounds like the situation is improving?

I am very impressed with the fact that you sound like you are in a very different space, a less stressed, more healthy space?

It's great to hear from you!
Continue taking good care!

DejaVu

falldc · 08-25-2015, 09:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DejaVu

Hi falldc,

It sounds like you are adjusting and trying to make the best of things.

It's interesting, I have found when I make a shift in my usual stance, soon thereafter, the other person also makes a shift. Our initial shift creates space for someone else to also shift.

I find this often helpful.

As you keep your cool and take things in stride, avoid conflict, he may follow your lead.

DejaVu

I think with the shift I have had since all this began, I do notice he has made some positive changes as well.
I know that it can turn on a dime though. He will get nasty when something sets him off.
One major thing I have noticed is his lack of motivation. I read that is a common complaint from frontal brain injuries. He admits that he has no motivation to do anything. He works and that is about it. Which I am thankful for. But sitting in front of the tv is not healthy.

I am going to start going to yoga class once a week after one of my work days. I think the yoga and meditation that is a part of the class will be a good thing.

ger715 · 08-25-2015, 10:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by falldc

I think with the shift I have had since all this began, I do notice he has made some positive changes as well.
I know that it can turn on a dime though. He will get nasty when something sets him off.
One major thing I have noticed is his lack of motivation. I read that is a common complaint from frontal brain injuries. He admits that he has no motivation to do anything. He works and that is about it. Which I am thankful for. But sitting in front of the tv is not healthy.

I am going to start going to yoga class once a week after one of my work days. I think the yoga and meditation that is a part of the class will be a good thing.

Glad you are doing for yourself what will be good for both you and your husband as well.

Gerry

DejaVu · 08-27-2015, 03:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by falldc

I think with the shift I have had since all this began, I do notice he has made some positive changes as well.
I know that it can turn on a dime though. He will get nasty when something sets him off.
One major thing I have noticed is his lack of motivation. I read that is a common complaint from frontal brain injuries. He admits that he has no motivation to do anything. He works and that is about it. Which I am thankful for. But sitting in front of the tv is not healthy.

I am going to start going to yoga class once a week after one of my work days. I think the yoga and meditation that is a part of the class will be a good thing.

It's tough whenever anyone has a history of "turning on a dime."
It can be like walking on egg shells. It can be dealt with if we know it can happen at any time and can accept this, for however long it goes on. I think this feature may be very difficult for the person to control without some professional intervention. Some people cannot see that they turn so quickly, they seem to lack insight into this, even when people around them talk with them and try to create more awareness. It's much the same as trying to control impulses. (If he is aware of this, I am guessing he possibly feels regret.)

The lack of motivation can be from frontal brain changes and/or from depression. I am having good luck with Wellbutrin SR (bupropion SR).
I was feeling very drained of energy since my concussion. Very severe blah and useless, which was making the situation even worse. Wellbutrin has helped to give me some energy (both physical and cognitive energy), enough to override the formerly overwhelming sense of "inertia." (I'd felt so useless and so guilty for not being able to get beyond the major inertia.)
Everyone around me has noticed a difference and has commented.

I am more active during the day and evenings now, and sleep much more soundly because I am truly physically tired. I am feeling more hopeful, less guilty about what I can/cannot do and am doing things I enjoy with the extra energy. I have always like to have fun! I am back out there, having fun with hubby and with friends/family. I still have limitations, yet there is an improvement. We are looking for "Progress, not perfection."

So glad you are finding interests and pursuing them!
Yoga and meditation can be so helpful!

Keep on taking great care!

Warmly,
DejaVu

LIT LOVE · 09-08-2015, 03:58 PM

Just 2 quick issues. Please vent to someone other than your daughter--talk to a friend, a therapist, a minister, but not your daughter because it could effect her relationship with him.

Also, if you love to travel, why not plan a trip with your gfs or daughter?

falldc · 09-13-2015, 06:40 PM

Hi Litlove and Dejevu,

It's been awhile since I have peeked on this site.

I am really feeling down right now. I don;t like using the term "depressed" but I sure as he** am not feeling up. I feel like crying.

I need someone in my life. Walking through my neighborhood we jsut moved to is so beautiful, there is so much to see and enjoy and talk about. I have no one to talk to about it. I am alone walking.
I am near tears now just thinking and writing about it.
Totally depressing.

I tried to talk to him earlier about "us" and how we have gone theroug a bad period and that we will get through this and that I feel like we are getting through it. He looked at me and said "well you're not even letting me watch this show on tv right now!"

I'm bummed that i have no one I can talk to.
I am depressed that he is sitting in the great room with the tv on blasting as always.
depressed that when I try to sit and talk to him, he keeps glancing at the tv and I know he wants me to leave ....and its just a commercial.

I can only talk so much to the kids about this.

sundays are the worst days for me. I really need to get busy on sundays doing something. Eveyrone is doing something with family.

sorry for venting and I do agree with you that venting to my daughter is not fair to her or to him since that is her father.

My neighbor that I befriended and who is widowed expressed an interest in traveling sometime with me. My husband is actually encouraging it.

We went to an event in our community last night. He was totally different than what he used to be. He sat there just staring off in space while I talked with people at the table. I think he gets overwhelmed in groups with the noise level. He can't hear well to begin with. I had to pull him in the conversation over and over.

Sometimes we will have a good day or part of a day, and I get a glimmer of hope. But then all of a sudden he will turn on me for something I say or do.

again....this too shall pass, as they say.
Sundays are just a bummer for me.

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