Originally Posted by falldc

Hi Litlove and Dejevu,

It's been awhile since I have peeked on this site.

I am really feeling down right now. I don;t like using the term "depressed" but I sure as he** am not feeling up. I feel like crying.

I need someone in my life. Walking through my neighborhood we jsut moved to is so beautiful, there is so much to see and enjoy and talk about. I have no one to talk to about it. I am alone walking.
I am near tears now just thinking and writing about it.
Totally depressing.

I tried to talk to him earlier about "us" and how we have gone theroug a bad period and that we will get through this and that I feel like we are getting through it. He looked at me and said "well you're not even letting me watch this show on tv right now!"

I'm bummed that i have no one I can talk to.
I am depressed that he is sitting in the great room with the tv on blasting as always.
depressed that when I try to sit and talk to him, he keeps glancing at the tv and I know he wants me to leave ....and its just a commercial.


I can only talk so much to the kids about this.


sundays are the worst days for me. I really need to get busy on sundays doing

something. Eveyrone is doing something with family.

sorry for venting and I do agree with you that venting to my daughter is not fair to her or to him since that is her father.

My neighbor that I befriended and who is widowed expressed an interest in traveling sometime with me. My husband is actually encouraging it.

We went to an event in our community last night. He was totally different than what he used to be. He sat there just staring off in space while I talked with people at the table. I think he gets overwhelmed in groups with the noise level. He can't hear well to begin with. I had to pull him in the conversation over and over.

Sometimes we will have a good day or part of a day, and I get a glimmer of hope. But then all of a sudden he will turn on me for something I say or do.

again....this too shall pass, as they say.
Sundays are just a bummer for me.

Originally Posted by ger715

Please don't apologize for venting.
Really would appreciate updates when you feel up to it. I do agree tho; you need to do some things for yourself. Might be a good idea to take a little trip with your neighbor. Who know; maybe you'll be missed.



Gerry

Originally Posted by falldc

Hi Gerry and Litlove,
I have been getting into more of that mindset you speak of. I don't feel guilty because it actually gives me that shot in the arm that I need to deal with the changes in him.
We have a peaceful coehistence (sp?) during the week when he is working (he works a lot of hours). Weekends I am doing my own thing with friends and my daughter. Still planning things with family at home to include him as much as he feels like.
I notice after a nice dinner, he does not really want to talk, rather watch tv and news etc. I will take a walk with the dog to my neighbors, or make a call while walking.
We went to a party this past weekend. He got mad at me for something and stomped off. Several close friends were surprised and said "this is NOT something he would have done before" and realized how much the brain damage has changed his self control.
A little bit later he was back and fine.
ON a real positive....yesterday I was reading him several diary entries from last year when he had the "surgery misadventure" that caused the damage, things that happened, and things he said and did at the time... and he just kept saying "I was a total jerk...I'm sorry"
Then today when he came home from work, he hugged me and said "thank you for taking care of me last year and handling all that"...... (tears! as I write this)
I don't know if things will ever go back to the way they were, but as I wrote before, we were not the poster children for a perfect marriage. Like everyone, it needs work.
I have changed a lot this past year and continue to adjust the way I talk to him, and handle conflict.
In the past, I would argue and debate more. Now I just walk away, do not confront or fight my case, and pretty much do what I think is the right thing to do with or without his approval.
thanks for listening!

Originally Posted by ger715

Even if this was only a brief time; that must have taken quite a bit for him to hug and "thank you". Maybe he's not such a total "jerk" after all. Also glad to know you are doing what you need to do to co-exist with this marriage while doing what you feel is right.


Gerry