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Husband is a Stranger now.... with frontal lobe malacia. Ruining our lives

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Old 08-27-2015, 04:14 PM   #21
DejaVu
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Originally Posted by falldc View Post
I think with the shift I have had since all this began, I do notice he has made some positive changes as well.
I know that it can turn on a dime though. He will get nasty when something sets him off.
One major thing I have noticed is his lack of motivation. I read that is a common complaint from frontal brain injuries. He admits that he has no motivation to do anything. He works and that is about it. Which I am thankful for. But sitting in front of the tv is not healthy.

I am going to start going to yoga class once a week after one of my work days. I think the yoga and meditation that is a part of the class will be a good thing.

It's tough whenever anyone has a history of "turning on a dime."
It can be like walking on egg shells. It can be dealt with if we know it can happen at any time and can accept this, for however long it goes on. I think this feature may be very difficult for the person to control without some professional intervention. Some people cannot see that they turn so quickly, they seem to lack insight into this, even when people around them talk with them and try to create more awareness. It's much the same as trying to control impulses. (If he is aware of this, I am guessing he possibly feels regret.)

The lack of motivation can be from frontal brain changes and/or from depression. I am having good luck with Wellbutrin SR (bupropion SR).
I was feeling very drained of energy since my concussion. Very severe blah and useless, which was making the situation even worse. Wellbutrin has helped to give me some energy (both physical and cognitive energy), enough to override the formerly overwhelming sense of "inertia." (I'd felt so useless and so guilty for not being able to get beyond the major inertia.)
Everyone around me has noticed a difference and has commented.

I am more active during the day and evenings now, and sleep much more soundly because I am truly physically tired. I am feeling more hopeful, less guilty about what I can/cannot do and am doing things I enjoy with the extra energy. I have always like to have fun! I am back out there, having fun with hubby and with friends/family. I still have limitations, yet there is an improvement. We are looking for "Progress, not perfection."

So glad you are finding interests and pursuing them!
Yoga and meditation can be so helpful!

Keep on taking great care!

Warmly,
DejaVu
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Old 09-08-2015, 04:58 PM   #22
LIT LOVE
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Just 2 quick issues. Please vent to someone other than your daughter--talk to a friend, a therapist, a minister, but not your daughter because it could effect her relationship with him.

Also, if you love to travel, why not plan a trip with your gfs or daughter?
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Old 09-13-2015, 07:40 PM   #23
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Hi Litlove and Dejevu,

It's been awhile since I have peeked on this site.

I am really feeling down right now. I don;t like using the term "depressed" but I sure as he** am not feeling up. I feel like crying.

I need someone in my life. Walking through my neighborhood we jsut moved to is so beautiful, there is so much to see and enjoy and talk about. I have no one to talk to about it. I am alone walking.
I am near tears now just thinking and writing about it.
Totally depressing.

I tried to talk to him earlier about "us" and how we have gone theroug a bad period and that we will get through this and that I feel like we are getting through it. He looked at me and said "well you're not even letting me watch this show on tv right now!"

I'm bummed that i have no one I can talk to.
I am depressed that he is sitting in the great room with the tv on blasting as always.
depressed that when I try to sit and talk to him, he keeps glancing at the tv and I know he wants me to leave ....and its just a commercial.


I can only talk so much to the kids about this.


sundays are the worst days for me. I really need to get busy on sundays doing something. Eveyrone is doing something with family.

sorry for venting and I do agree with you that venting to my daughter is not fair to her or to him since that is her father.

My neighbor that I befriended and who is widowed expressed an interest in traveling sometime with me. My husband is actually encouraging it.

We went to an event in our community last night. He was totally different than what he used to be. He sat there just staring off in space while I talked with people at the table. I think he gets overwhelmed in groups with the noise level. He can't hear well to begin with. I had to pull him in the conversation over and over.

Sometimes we will have a good day or part of a day, and I get a glimmer of hope. But then all of a sudden he will turn on me for something I say or do.

again....this too shall pass, as they say.
Sundays are just a bummer for me.
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Old 09-14-2015, 03:58 PM   #24
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Imagine the worst case scenario and you ultimately divorced him, or what if he had passed away. How would you move forward with your life? Start doing those things (minus establishing a romantic relationship.) Don't feel like you to include him. Pursue new friendships and hobbies. Find a therapist to help you cope. Work on you! Go visit your children by yourself. Go on a weekend trip with your neighbor to test how you'll do together, or even lunch and a spa day. Live your life to the fullest. The rest can be dealt with after he has more time for recovery and you're in a stronger place. Give your self permission to focused on your own happiness for now.
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Old 09-17-2015, 11:54 PM   #25
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Quote:
Originally Posted by falldc View Post
Hi Litlove and Dejevu,

It's been awhile since I have peeked on this site.

I am really feeling down right now. I don;t like using the term "depressed" but I sure as he** am not feeling up. I feel like crying.

I need someone in my life. Walking through my neighborhood we jsut moved to is so beautiful, there is so much to see and enjoy and talk about. I have no one to talk to about it. I am alone walking.
I am near tears now just thinking and writing about it.
Totally depressing.

I tried to talk to him earlier about "us" and how we have gone theroug a bad period and that we will get through this and that I feel like we are getting through it. He looked at me and said "well you're not even letting me watch this show on tv right now!"

I'm bummed that i have no one I can talk to.
I am depressed that he is sitting in the great room with the tv on blasting as always.
depressed that when I try to sit and talk to him, he keeps glancing at the tv and I know he wants me to leave ....and its just a commercial.


I can only talk so much to the kids about this.


sundays are the worst days for me. I really need to get busy on sundays doing

something. Eveyrone is doing something with family.

sorry for venting and I do agree with you that venting to my daughter is not fair to her or to him since that is her father.

My neighbor that I befriended and who is widowed expressed an interest in traveling sometime with me. My husband is actually encouraging it.

We went to an event in our community last night. He was totally different than what he used to be. He sat there just staring off in space while I talked with people at the table. I think he gets overwhelmed in groups with the noise level. He can't hear well to begin with. I had to pull him in the conversation over and over.

Sometimes we will have a good day or part of a day, and I get a glimmer of hope. But then all of a sudden he will turn on me for something I say or do.

again....this too shall pass, as they say.
Sundays are just a bummer for me.



Please don't apologize for venting.
Really would appreciate updates when you feel up to it. I do agree tho; you need to do some things for yourself. Might be a good idea to take a little trip with your neighbor. Who know; maybe you'll be missed.



Gerry
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Old 09-23-2015, 09:46 PM   #26
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ger715 View Post
Please don't apologize for venting.
Really would appreciate updates when you feel up to it. I do agree tho; you need to do some things for yourself. Might be a good idea to take a little trip with your neighbor. Who know; maybe you'll be missed.



Gerry
Hi Gerry and Litlove,
I have been getting into more of that mindset you speak of. I don't feel guilty because it actually gives me that shot in the arm that I need to deal with the changes in him.
We have a peaceful coehistence (sp?) during the week when he is working (he works a lot of hours). Weekends I am doing my own thing with friends and my daughter. Still planning things with family at home to include him as much as he feels like.
I notice after a nice dinner, he does not really want to talk, rather watch tv and news etc. I will take a walk with the dog to my neighbors, or make a call while walking.
We went to a party this past weekend. He got mad at me for something and stomped off. Several close friends were surprised and said "this is NOT something he would have done before" and realized how much the brain damage has changed his self control.
A little bit later he was back and fine.
ON a real positive....yesterday I was reading him several diary entries from last year when he had the "surgery misadventure" that caused the damage, things that happened, and things he said and did at the time... and he just kept saying "I was a total jerk...I'm sorry"
Then today when he came home from work, he hugged me and said "thank you for taking care of me last year and handling all that"...... (tears! as I write this)
I don't know if things will ever go back to the way they were, but as I wrote before, we were not the poster children for a perfect marriage. Like everyone, it needs work.
I have changed a lot this past year and continue to adjust the way I talk to him, and handle conflict.
In the past, I would argue and debate more. Now I just walk away, do not confront or fight my case, and pretty much do what I think is the right thing to do with or without his approval.
thanks for listening!
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Old 09-27-2015, 11:03 PM   #27
ger715
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Quote:
Originally Posted by falldc View Post
Hi Gerry and Litlove,
I have been getting into more of that mindset you speak of. I don't feel guilty because it actually gives me that shot in the arm that I need to deal with the changes in him.
We have a peaceful coehistence (sp?) during the week when he is working (he works a lot of hours). Weekends I am doing my own thing with friends and my daughter. Still planning things with family at home to include him as much as he feels like.
I notice after a nice dinner, he does not really want to talk, rather watch tv and news etc. I will take a walk with the dog to my neighbors, or make a call while walking.
We went to a party this past weekend. He got mad at me for something and stomped off. Several close friends were surprised and said "this is NOT something he would have done before" and realized how much the brain damage has changed his self control.
A little bit later he was back and fine.
ON a real positive....yesterday I was reading him several diary entries from last year when he had the "surgery misadventure" that caused the damage, things that happened, and things he said and did at the time... and he just kept saying "I was a total jerk...I'm sorry"
Then today when he came home from work, he hugged me and said "thank you for taking care of me last year and handling all that"...... (tears! as I write this)
I don't know if things will ever go back to the way they were, but as I wrote before, we were not the poster children for a perfect marriage. Like everyone, it needs work.
I have changed a lot this past year and continue to adjust the way I talk to him, and handle conflict.
In the past, I would argue and debate more. Now I just walk away, do not confront or fight my case, and pretty much do what I think is the right thing to do with or without his approval.
thanks for listening!


Even if this was only a brief time; that must have taken quite a bit for him to hug and "thank you". Maybe he's not such a total "jerk" after all. Also glad to know you are doing what you need to do to co-exist with this marriage while doing what you feel is right.


Gerry
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Old 10-02-2015, 07:10 AM   #28
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Even if this was only a brief time; that must have taken quite a bit for him to hug and "thank you". Maybe he's not such a total "jerk" after all. Also glad to know you are doing what you need to do to co-exist with this marriage while doing what you feel is right.


Gerry
I think being "older" helps. I think this would be much harder if this happened earlier in our marriage
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