[falldc]

I'm married 36 years. My husband has frontal lobe encephalmalacia. Softening. caused by surgery trauma.

He has always been overbearing but now he is impossible. I have given up on a normal life with him.
I guess this is the new normal?

I can't bring up anything that is conflicting with what he wants. I cannot debate anything or he will yell over me, hang up if we are on the phone, or stomp out of the room.

Luckily he is still able to work, but on his off days, he does nothing but tv.
Flipping channels, tv blasting.
I have to go to another room or leave because it is so stressful to hear the loud tv with channels flipping.

He is flat. No empathy, no caring, no love. I do everything in the house.
Womans work as well as the man's.

He could care less about any of it.
He just won't do it. There are so many things that need a man, and I either do it myself or have to hire someone.
Which can get expensive.

The worst though, it is ruining our marriage and relationship. I cannot stand to be around him. I get conflicting feelings of hatred toward him, and then guilt.

Our marriage was not perfect before this. There were many times I wanted to leave because we are not compatible but kept putting it off.
Divorce was brought up many times, but we always worked through it because there was no "real reason" to end it. We just bicker a lot. We don't like the same things anymore. We went in different directions.
We married young, I grew up and there you have it!
We have nothing in common. We used to have travel in common, but not any more. Last vacation he sat in front of the tv while I rode a bike, walked, and went to the beach myself. He only got up to eat.

When we are in a car and he gets mad, he will drive erratically to scare me and to show me how mad he is.
SO I do not want to do any driving vacations with him.
The last few vacations before the brain injury were just as horrible, so this is nothing new. Just worse after the brain injury.

The brain injury has made all of the "bad" worse.
He is always blaming me for everything.
Even his lack of happiness.

I try to find my own joy. I feel happiest when I am away from him.
We work opposite hours so it is perfect. I exercise, eat right and try to keep myself healthy.
I do have the blues. Don't want to call it depression and do not believe in medicating for the blues.
I will wake up sad sometimes. Then shake it off before I walk in the door at work.

I miss the old husband that I could sit down with and debate an issue out.
Now, if I try that, he blows up.
I have just stopped doing that and avoid him.
So there is no communication. As far as I am concerned if there is no communication, there is no relationship.

So every time we disagree on something...there is no bartering, debating, and going back and forth with our reasons and points. He cannot do that.

He does not care if I don't feel well. If I am crying. If I am stressed or if I am having things to deal with at work.
I have no partner. I take care of myself.
He has never been nurturing or caring. Even when I had an operation, but he was not as bad as he is now.

We recently built a house and had to live in a hotel for 2 months while it was being finished. This all coincided with his surgery and brain injury. He was basically a mean zombie at the hotel.
I had to put two dogs to sleep in the process of moving. Both were very old. THe second one lived with us in the hotel and was my rock and the love in my life.
Putting him to sleep before we moved in the new house was devastating and broke my heart like no other dog did. I did the entire move myself. The packing, contractors, builders, unpacking, moving company, organizing for help, dealing with his work leave, his doctors, appts, medications and ER visits.

We took a vacation for three weeks after that, and it was horrible.
I was basically alone while he watched tv.

Now living in our new "dream house" for our close to retirement years and we are not enjoying it together.
I cannot even imagine him at retirement in two years. He wants to retire early.

As of today, he is shunning me with a silent treatment five days and counting.
will not talk to me because I did not agree with him on an issue.
Silent treatments are nothing new though. He has done that since we were engaged. Usually before the brain injury, he would end up being so miserable shunning me. I would just get on with my life and ignore it.

It does hurt though and when I am not busy, it does mess with your head. The silent treatment.
It's stressful to be in a house with someone that will not answer you. and just stare ahead.

He is not as bad with his friends or coworkers but they all notice a change. SOme do not really talk to him as much. They don't have to, they are not married to him!
He is worse to me.

I never shared our arguments in the past with people. Our marriage was between us. I cannot believe that I am opening up and telling people that things are bad. I almost feel like I am not being loyal to him or our marriage when I do this. But before his injury, when we had arguments, I had someone to talk to about it. HIM. Not any more.

We had a party several weeks ago. A BBQ. Mostly my family and my elderly aunt and uncle, some of my cousins, kids, etc.
I was walking a cousin through the house to show her around. She asked me "now that you are in the house and settled, is there anything you would have done different? tile, floor plans etc?"
I could not come up with anything and said to my husband "DH, is there anything you would have done different, Jill wants to know" and he said very loudly and very nasty "YEAH, I WOULD HAVE A DIFFERENT WIFE!!"
Everyone's mouth dropped. Some people tried to lighten it up by making it a joke.
My stomach fell to the floor. I felt sick. I laughed it off and said something glib and light, but my sad and shocked face betrayed me.

This is my life now.

Not sure what I am going to do or how to handle it. Need to consider my age 56. and what I really want in my life now. How much more change can I take?
I have a new house, new dog and now a new husband. He acts like he hates me. He hates all women it seems and will criticize every woman announcer on tv. Saying she is fat, stupid or ugly!
He is a stranger.