Hi all,

I am really starting to feel all kinds of mixed emotions now since last night. My dear friend Doug with the terminal cancer who is very close the end, asked me last night to marry him. Then later on after that when I left for the night he reached for my hand, pulled me close to him and kissed me on the mouth. I use to long to kiss him before now but with him so close to the end those thoughts kind of left my mind.

befuddled2

I understand your feelings,
I don't know what the point of getting married now would be?

Plus there may well be bills and expenses after all is done.
You as the wife would be responsible, I believe.
I'm not a lawyer though.
I guess you have to look at the legal as well as the emotional side of it.

My bil said some unusual things near the end, he wasn't taking any pain meds - but that could apply both ways.
Meds could cause some thoughts to be voiced as well as the terminal cancer pain.
Is he lucid most of the time?

But it is a nice gesture from him.
If he brings it up again I would say "that is very sweet and thank you". And just leave it at that.

Barbara

I still love your answer. Its just perfect.

Donna

Thank you Jo and Donna.

Jo, I have no intention of marrying Doug. He was perfectly lucid when he proposed to me. I told him we'd get married in heaven.

befuddled2

(((Barbara))) It's a perfect answer.

((((((((((( befuddled ))))))))))))))

What a beautiful response.

I'm so sorry for your pain and you both are in my thoughts and prayers.

KD

Barb,

I think your response was brilliant and loving What a journey this has been for you

Thank you everyone.

I had to make the hardest decision of my life. That was to give up my care giving to Doug. There is so much to the story, like Doug's rooommate stealing Doug blind and not lifting a finger. Even the nurses are not doing their job. With some other terrible stress that has transpired in my life over the past few weeks I started to break. I got physically sick and had I not tried to concentrate on me for awhile I would have ended up in the hospital with not one soul to see me through it. It breaks my heart to have put a letter on Doug's nightstand telling him I have to stop caring for him so that maybe then he will go to a nursing home. Doug's living conditions are terrible and I am not able to do everything for him and his roommate both because his roommate won't lift a finger, not even for himself. His roommate wears diapers at age 23 and throws the soiled diapers on the floor by his bed. They are piled up as high as the bed. I have sacraficed a lot in time, and in my own resources. Not that I mind but his roommate has been doing drugs and I've been doing without to give to them. His roommate spent his share of the rent and bills and now Doug is flat broke because he paid off everything with his check and didn't get his roommate's share of the expenses. I explained to Doug in the letter that it breaks my heart too much to see him go through so much crap from his roommate and the nurses. I told him I still loved him but I had to start looking after me before I lose everything from ending up in the hospital.

I am really upset I had to do this to Doug but I am no use to him if I am too broke up to help him.

befuddled2

I can only imagine how difficult ALL this has been, esp. your decision to cease the Caregiving. that doesn't mean you don't CARE (obviously you do and have told him you Love him.)
Somethings can't be changed, no matter how much we may want ... the circumstances (his living situation, his medical conditons, & your own problems, etc)
Sometimes we "enable" things that may not be best, tho we think are at the time but learn-thru trials, there are better options,ways, choices. perhaps now a better situation will materialize, like Nursing/care home or some type of Hospice care. that hopefully, will be better for all ...

You have to take care of You first; too many carers don't & suffer the consequences--depression, failed health & other problems....
You knew you had to stop & did before it was too late....
you did all you could & more.... I understand not being able to verbally tell him, so chose an alternate way to communicate. He may be hurt but ultimately I pray he understands, that all you've done is for the Best.

I applaud & support your decsion --it was not selfish, but in the BEST interest of all. It's difficult to know when we need to stop, or change where & how our energy goes. our hearts tell us one thing, while our body & mind are telling us otherwise.

My heart goes out to you & Doug... praying for the Best for ALL...

ps.... RE: topic Proposal.... I agree you made the Best decsion, NOT to say yes.
I wish I would've had your sense & advice when I entered into this "legal" contract..
It's a long story .... at the center was finding ways to allow my terminally ill father remain at home, as well as "help" for my self & med conditions. After numerous problems w/ Caregivers-agency & private hire, tried another way to get Live-in help , which was marriage.
As expressed, it's long complex story-- there were legal issues (besides wanting, needing & believing I could get help best this way ....
don't know if I'm making sense.... other things have occured recently to add to my dilema (exacerbation of my medical problems, another TBI & more... I'm really fatigued, confused, depressed & more...now....

still may have to make that decision to put my dad into nursing/care home, since I'm not able to do all that's needed to keep him at home, and my "partner" just isn't getting ALL that's required unless I'm right there, prompting or doing it.... very tiring & frustrating.... I may end up in care home myself....
I'm now seeking Annulment'; prefer to divorce but seems divorce may be easier route....
too much going on to express... sorry to sidtrack into my stuff...



I wish you the best, that you get what you need & deserve esp. after having given so much, that there will be someone "special" there for U. ...take care....
Blessings...

Barb

Sending you some hugs. And you and Doug are fine, I know this.

He truely understands.

Pono, hopefully things will work out. Your father will understand.

Donna