How does one convince their husband that his mother and father needs to go into assisted living????? Its a very LOOONG story, but heres a short version.
My inlaws live in a retirement home which has and assisted living and alzheimers unit. I work in the AL/alz unit. My MIL has a form of leukemia and a lung infection. Both are noncurable. My FIL has dementia. They live on the 3rd floor of the retirement bldg, and in case of fire neither one could walk down the stairs if they had to. Home health gives my mil a bath and checks in on her almost every day. i do their laundry, and make sure they are eating and when they dont i do the cooking and take it to them. I'm usually the one who takes them to their dr appts and buys their grocerys. There is a suite opening up in the AL unit, and the director of the place is aware of my inlaws failing health and told me she thought they needed to move. Neither my husband nor his brother thinks they need to move to AL. My BIL says its not up to us to decide and if they want to try and remain independant then we should let them. The problem is, is they are NOT independant. My BIL lives in Oregon and just left this morning to go home from a week long stay here in Ok. I'm feeling frustrated, and overwhelmed, and i have a feeling the director of the place they live is going to approach them about moving. I dont know this for sure, its just a hunch. I guess for now i wait and see what happens.
This could get interesting.....
vicky

vicky,

It's so hard to take care of parents, especially in-laws.

My gram lives in a similar type of place - senoir apartments, assisted licing, nursing home, etc... In her facility, it is the decision of the board of directors and medical consultants as to when a person/people need to go from an apartment to AL or from AL to the nursing home area. The family can offer an opinion, the resident(s) can offer an opinion, but the final decision is up to the facility.

Do you have a similar option? to have the facility be the "bad guys" so to speak?

Take care,
Liz

you need one of the counsleors from where they live to evaluate the situation. make sure it is out in the open on EXACTLY all that you do for them. and that those things have to change/stop. a third party might be listened to by hubby and BIL.

stay strong sweety. i know that will be hard. you love them and ccare for them out of love. but you have a family who needs you too. you deserve to be the DIL and just love and enjoy the time y'all have left.

<---hands her buddy a bottle of Calgon.....

im or email me anytime. stay warm today. (((hugs)))

Hi Vicky,

No wonder you are feeling frustrated and overwhelmed. Maybe you could type up a list of all of the things that you are doing for your in-laws and any concerns that you have for them. (e.g. not being able to walk downstairs in an emergency) That might help if you have it all on paper for your husband (and his family) to see and to be able to discuss the situation with people at the assisted living retirement home. I think you have really been going above and beyond the call of duty and Curious is right ... you do deserve to be the DIL and not the sole caregiver that your in-laws depend on.

I hope the director does make a move... and soon!

take care,

Vicky dear, I do think I can identify with you at this point. You gladly do, but before you know you are it and things start to snowball and all of a sudden you are where you are. Dear dear Vicky, how my heart aches for you and the love you have for your MIL.

My MIL was moved last week, the last group of rooms when not many get out of bed anymore. My heart aches for her.

I hope for your sake the director or who ever takes care of these things there will ask Hubby and BIL to come in and maybe have you go see about MIL while she tells them they have no other choice. Its so so hard.

Mr. Jo would try to explore all options, knowing full well all options are gone. The rest of the siblings, including 2 daughters, will blame me, Oh how hard it is for you because you have been joined at the hip for a long time, you love her like a mother.

Vicky, if you need to talk pm me and I'll give email addy or you can write me on forum. Either will be fine for me. I will remember you in my prayers if you don't mind. Some do mind and I do not want to hurt anyone. I will also think warm thoughts for you and MIL and also your hubby.

Bless you dear vicky, Jo6

Hi Vicky,

So much for BIL understanding. Does he realize just how much you do for his parents? As long as he knows they are taken care of, even if it is you doing it, he is satisfied with the situation.
That's not fair to you. You have your own life that you need to live. I'm not saying that if there was no other choices, that you should stop taking care of them, but there are other choices and your husband and BIL need to understand this.
Good luck to you and the family.
Take care,
Linda

sigh..........

My MIL passed away the 21st, just before Thanksgiving.... Now I'll be taking care of m FIL. They were married 58 years... Actually my husband has stepped up and is really helping me with him alot. I honestly think its out of guilt though.
He never had a very good relationship with either of his parents. He's still in their apartment in the independant living side of the place they live. Again My DH doens't see the need of him moving to assisted living. I guess for now i agree as it would be to much for him. He really wants to stay on the independant side. We've changed his contract to having 3 meals a day instead of one, and we have the home health people who have an office there come in and check on him once a day. I check on him at least once a day, ( i work on the assisted living side as activities person) and my husband gets over there at least 5 times a week.
{{{HUGS}}}} to everybody today!!!!!
vicky