After yesterdays grueling day (life care planner marathon meeting), I had trouble sleeping last night.

I woke at 4:30 am yelling at people in my head. Who is going back to sleep after that?

I made some notes for the life care planners.

I had a long argument with my spiritual self. I was really, really angry with Torkelson all over again. Katz (remember the Neuro dude that doesn't believe the Judge's opinion?) is slightly tolerable and I don't have any choices in KC.

Spiritually speaking, I know that I must find a way to move past my anger towards Torkelson. It is really hard to do when we keep getting reminded of it.

Yesterday, was just a big angry reminder. The Gov Lawyer told me we would never get an apology nor recognition from Tork that he did anything incorrect. He will go to his grave satisfied he did nothing wrong.

I also know that the very best way to move through and past anger is prayer for the person with whom you hold anger. That means praying that God give them the very best there is to give in life. I know this works. I did it with my Pedofile Bio-Dad. I also found out that forgiveness doesn't mean permission nor approval. It just means it gets put to rest and you move on with life.

Gee wiz, if I can do this with my Bio-Dad over what he did and it works, I can do it with Torkelson and it will work. I was just feeling very rebellious and didn't want to pray for the man. I didn't want to ask God to grant him good things or a nice life or any of the things I want in my life. I wanted to pray God rain fire on his head and family.

Hence, my argument with spiritual self at 4:30 in the morning.

At 6:30, I went upstairs to talk to Kevin. I told Kevin all of the above. I told him I KNOW what I need to do but I REALLY, REALLY DON'T want to do it.

We got in the shower and I just let it all go. I had a full bore, all out, sobfest. I just let all the anger come out in tears, rain, and shower. It was very cleansing.

When I was done, I said, "Maybe I could pray that God open his heart. If it worked with the Judge, it should work for Torkelson."

What did my wonderful husband say?

"That usually requires a scalpel."

I had a good hard belly laugh.

Bec

((hugs))

I read this the day you posted it and you have been on my mind since then.

I struggle with the same feelings about Santos and Dean, Rileys first neuros. I relive the whole mixed bag of strong emotions each time we hear how bad things are with her seizures, how much regression has taken place and what the next step should be.

For the longest time I was so afraid that they would go to their graves thinking they did the right thing. In the begining of this I felt led to return to church after not going for 6 months- When I returned to church I saw Dr. Santos sitting there with his family, and we stared each other down in total disbelief (both of us had been members for years, yet never saw one another-its a huge church) and shock, even horror was something I felt. I saw this man every single sunday after that. I remember thinking that God had a sick sense of humor.

Several weeks later as we again sat in mass across the church from each otherI realized that there is a slight chance he knows he did wrong and had to think about it. Of course he has no idea what happened to Riley after months of no one even attempting to treat her, how bad things got b/c of his neglect and quick jump to judgment. But I know if even just that once he had to really think about it.

Is there a point to this? Nothing more than to say I know just how you feel. I wonder about the other neuro sometimes. I sit here with her address on a post it and think about sending her a letter, or a copy of Rileys MRI, an EEG just something to show her how wrong she was about my child and about me. Do I think she would care? NO, I know she would be my Torkelson. She will go to her grave thinking she did right, or if by chance she felt any bit of guilt she, like I am sure Santos did would reason it out with all the *good* deeds they have done. sort of like -hurt one, help 10, makes it ok.

I don't think it is something that I will ever totally get past, I look back at all the potential my daughter had, how "normal" her life could have been and how their carelessness destroyed that and made it harder for her, and heart wrenching for us...