I feel like the change in life not only in the area of chronic pain from cervical spinal stenosis, degenerative disc disease and one bulging and one herniated disc all which two neurosurgeons told me were not operable and I should continue with pain management. I am also seen by a psychiatrist in treatment of PTSD, OCD, Panic Disorder with agorriphobia and the massive doses of drugs like thorazine and haldol due to being misdiagnosed for years as being 'chronic paranoid schizophrenic' total medication oriented system, lost my job...

Now, I have had to alienate myself from all former friends and aquantences because of the medications I am taking and the attempts to manipulate me out of the medications I need with no regard to the needs of my health, and the most important thing is it is illegal to give away these meds, and I find myself to be 'stuck' for 2 years I was told by the family md that all I was suffering from was 'aches and pains' and was lucky to even be able to get 30 tylenol with codiene and told to ration them over a months time. Finally an MRI did prove that I have the neurapaty, degenerative disc disease, and cervical spinal stenosis at the age of 34, which usually does not strike until the 60+ age group I am told.

I do not understand the disease and despite the pain seem like I am constantly having to 'prove' or 'justify' myself out of the fear they will force me to live in the horrible pain I did prior to the discovery of legitimate need and condition.

Mostly I feel that the most recent thing which actually brought tears to my eyes was the other day when a large framed man, seen as being tough and strong attempted to struggle to get the simple gasoline cap off of my car, and for a moment as I struggled for the very first time with such a simple thing as removing a gasoline cap almost with both hands was barely able to remove it and fear that I was going to ask someone to remove the gas cap from my car as I was almost with two hands unable to do so, and my fear is if I suffer and the progression is already at this level in less than three years then what will become of the next decade, the numbness in my right hand is always there, now my left hand as well and so frustrating to drop things and so on and so forth. I would gladly give back all the meds for a chance of a healthy mental, emotional, and physical fact of being to be able to live an average life.

Sorry for all the rambling on and on and am not saying anything against the fact of the danger I wish all hope peace and wellness on a cronic journey and I hope for myself as well someday pain will be able to be controlled in a safer and more safe and less risky way of relief. Thanks for listening.

IH,

I am sorry to hear that you are having a hard time.

I can relate to your struggles with pain, isolation from friends and family, the fear of losing medication and being back in horrific pain, and the struggle to deal with all of it.

I can also relate to the anxiety and panic attacks. I have had anxiety since childhood, and unfortunately the pain/anxiety combo makes it difficult for some doctors to see the pain and diagnose it because all the can see on the surface is the anxiety and panic. I can relate and I understand - and I know that so many other people here can relate and understand too.

It's sad to know that we all struggle with these things, but at the same time it is comforting to know that I am not alone and that someone else in the world understands what I have gone through in my life and what I go through on a daily basis. That's one of the reasons I have found such comfort and freidnship here at Neurotalk - because I know that I am part of a group of people who understand me and who can truly understand what it is like to live in my shoes.

When I first started taking pain meds I was so grateful and relieved to be able to feel better - and when my friends and family noticed how much better I felt they asked why and I told them that I was taking pain meds.... That's when a storm started. Half of them were freaking out and thinking that I was a drug addict, the other half were asking if I would share pills or help them get pills. It was a bit of a nightmare and for my own safety and well-being I had to stop talking to them and seeing them.

About 2 months later I then got back in touch with many of them and I lied to them -- I told them that the doctor stopped the pain meds and found a "different way" to treat the pain with different non-narcotic meds. It was a total lie because I was still taking pain meds, but it was a necessary lie, and it worked. They stopped worrying that I was a drug addict, they stopped asking for pills. They assumed that I was taking Advil and I let them. To this day I have never revealed my pain meds to them again. The only people who know about my pain meds are my doctor, pharmasist, and husband. No one else needs to know, and for my safety and well-being I don't want them to know.

Would it be possible for you to do something similar? Let the people in your life think that you are no longer taking pain meds, and then in the future keep it to yourself and make sure that your medications are secured in a safe so that if/when they visit they can not see them or steal them.... I know that it sucks to lie to people, but in my opinion I needed to do that in my life to be able to protect myself.

I hope something I said is helpful.

Take care of you,
Liz

Hi 'W',

I do thank you very much for the reply and that you are able to identify what I am talking about in this and also thank those who may have read and not reply'd, I am just glad to see that there are so many people here going through so many of similar things with the health and disorders and the things that come along with it. Of course, would be nicer to be free of all pain and disease in the world and lives, and hopefully maybe someday that will come to pass, till then I am thankfull to have found this site.

I did end up doing much of the advise you have given to me here. I even recently decided, or really, made a choice over my living situation and the community and apartment 'community' I was living in in order to have some more peace of mind and to stop the cycle of accusation of the meds, the entire sterotype of my medications and all the 'friends' who would phone with 'horrible toothaches', 'hurt back's" and even one employee who worked in the building which I lived who had acess to my apartment via. master key to all apts. Once this person through my talking in mistake of my meds to people, which I no longer do here where I live now. I was sort of 'violated' by this person of acess to my apartment.

I never had people over and mostly kept to myself and alone, then when meds would come up missing, not really at a noticable rate as in the entire bottles missing, though towards the end of the months supply I would begin to come 'short', I began thinking I was taking extra and not knowing it, or was crazy in the aspect of thought that someone was coming in a taking them, so I bought as you suggested a small safe large enough to be just the right size to hold the medications of interest to those.

I realized I was not 'crazy' in the sense that the very first month which I kept all controlled meds locked up and both keys on me at all times, the usual final week before I would go to the doc, I was no where near being short on my meds and in fact was over or right on the amount I should have had to make for the 3-day lapse of scheduled days.

I then began the treatment by the employee to begin to seek out all I was doing and anything else in the rules and so I moved away and stopped contact with all former people to begin new.

Sorry for the long reply, though I thougt a warning to anyone living in a large apartment community that at times, you are not even able to trust the staff or janitor people who have keys to your apt. I should have got one of those nanny cameras, only by this time I decided to just move away and start over.

Thanks again, and God Bless, 'IH'

Wow! What a story you have and welcome!
I used to also be on tons of pain meds, but luckily I am in a pain recession where the pain is not as bad as it was back then. Right now I have my pain under control, to an extent, with gobs of muscle relaxants. The pain meds weren't working for me and the docs around here won't give pain meds to those with FM. Don't ask, I don't know why either. So far I haven't needed them as I have in the past, but who knows about the future.
I have also separated from family and friends. It is just too hard to explain why I can't go out on certain days and why I don't socialize much anymore. It is just too exhausting. On days where I have to, I sit there and try to be "normal" and infuse Diet Coke like it is going out of style and bring extra meds for the occasion. I also have agoraphobia so I gotta keep up on it or I go nuts inside. Of course the Diet Coke doesn't help things, but it keeps me "up" until I can finally bail.
Okay, back on track here. When I was on pain meds, trying to explain why was a nightmare since most people have never heard of fibromyalgia. After a while I was just telling family members I have a form of Rheumatoid Arthritis, which isn't totally wrong.
As for the drug seekers of the family, I used to hide my pain killers and shut the bedroom door, when my ex-brother-in-law used to come over. I used to have those long bottles of Vicodins from the pharmacy so they stick out like a sore thumb if I had left them on my bedside table. Unfortunately Vicodins were his drug of choice to get his hands on, so I had no choice but to hide them. Somehow he used to wander upstairs to use the bathroom up there when there was one off the kitchen. When I would realize where he went, I would immediately get upstairs and see if things were out of place. Gosh he made me nervous. Luckily I went on the Duragesic Patch and that wasn't a problem anymore. Also, my sister-in-law divorced his behind and I haven't seen him in ages!
So you see, you definitely aren't alone in this!
Again welcome to the family!