This was a bad day. I worked in school for 8 years, hard, then another three to finally start a business with a friend that has a good reputation. In the last ten years, intractable pain has slowly eaten away at my ability to keep that alive. First it was at least five days a week, then four, then three, and now, sometimes only two. Rumors have gotten back to us on several occassions after an extended battle with pain, one of which was that I was dying.

Today after an hour and a half, I had to close for the day. I'd already lost Monday out of a M,W,F schedule. We had lost last Friday as well. On the way home, we stopped at the Dr.s to pick up perscriptions, then to drop them off. As I waited in the car, a man, probably in his eighties walked by the car. He was a bit bent and a bit slow, and it struck me that at an age where I should be saving for the future and at my peak at work, he moved better than I.

Neither my friend nor I are ready to pack it in, but at the rate we are going, I may not be walking in 5 years. Usually I try to push those thoughts away as they are not useful, but couldn't today. There are people out there much worse off than I, and it seems selfish to have those thoughts. but they are there.

Sam

Don't feel bad. I'm 63 right now, and that 80+yr old man probably walks better than I do right now. I'm having a rough day, and this sucks. I was paying attention earlier to how I was moving, and I couldn't believe my motions -- I had to consciously change the way I was moving my arms and push my shoulders back, cause I tend to have my back bent when I walk. My God, I look like i should be put in a HOME.

On good days I'm fine -- but this is ridiculous. People must think Im ready to go at any time!! Sometimes I AM ready to go, but others I'm not.

Being a spiney and a chronic painer is the pits. The emotions really screw with you, don't they? Take care & God bless. Hugs, Lee

Yes, it does suck. i'm sure everyone has problems, some are just easier to see than others. It does get to you now and again regardless.

Sam

I'm 51.

Among other things, I have a disease called DISH - short version: my connective tissue is turning to bone. It's hit hard in my ankles, and my spine. Best estimates from doctors familiar with the disease give me 4-6 years before I won't be able to move. I've seen orthopedic surgeons specializing in feet and ankles who look at my ankle x-rays and say that I shouldn't be able to walk today, they don't know how I'm managing.

Most days, I can't have sex. I can't move well enough. I'm supposed to be in my prime right now. This, right here, right now, is the best it will ever be for me. There is no correction possible. I'm on a collision course with, at best, a wheelchair. Quite possibly, the ossification of my anterior spinal ligament will grow so large as to impinge upon my heart, dropping me dead in my tracks.

It's frightening to compare x-rays of my T & L spine over the past few years, and see how the ossification of the spinal ligaments has progressed.

The only thing I know to do is fight. I'm not going to give up. I have a family to support. I have things I want to do. I don't care how bad the pain is, I don't care if it takes me 10 minutes to make it down a flight of stairs.

I am not stopping. I am not waving the white flag.

Yeah, I won't make it until I'm 80. I probably won't make it to 60.

Don't waste your time on crap that doesn't count. Do what's important with your life. Deal with this life on your terms. Don't let the pain and the infirmity win. Use your brain, figure it out - you can make it work.

There's only one guarantee: if you believe that you're going to fail at this, then you will fail at this.

LyricaBob,
There are two choices in life. Fight, or give up. I'm 49, and truth be told, I don't expect a particularly long life. That doesn't mean I want to spend what time i do have with my head in the sand. My philosophy is that as long as you have something to contribute to society or even one other living being, its not time to quit.

Everyone has pain of some kind, be it physical or emotional. We deal with it as best we can and some days are just more difficult than others. One of these days the number and type of medications I take are going to meet up with other factors, the perfect storm so to speak, and that will be that, but until then, I agree. keep fighting. Sometimes I just need to vent.

Sam

Sam,

I understand, and I hope you didn't take my post the wrong way, or think that I was condescending. I've had some days that were very discouraging; a couple weeks ago, I had an adverse reaction to Lyrica, and was nearly involuntarily committed on a psych hold, because of suicidal ideation. It was a terribly grueling ordeal.

As I've mentioned, I train and compete in Strongman - despite my sciatic neurothapy, despite the DISH, despite the terrible pain. I've had many, many doctors tell me I can't do this; that I can't even lift weights; that I should be sedentary.

I like my current doctor, who says "Hey, who am I to judge? You have 5 years left. You want to throw rocks around, pick up cars? Yeah, I think you're wacked, but it's your life. Go do it. My job is to make that possible."

Anyhow, I hope that today was better for you.

Stay strong. Fight hard. The good things don't come easy.