Diandra,
I, like you, feel, my husband married an independent woman (he said that was what attracted him to me (we met while both of us were widowed). I really feel badly for him. He does not complain; but when I mention having really a bad day, he rarely responds. I really think he has no idea. But, that could be just my own looking for understanding.

Understanding is another issue with so many chronic pain sufferers. My husband and I meet with his never married sister for lunch about once a month. I don't go out often; but when I do, usually try to go to restaurant that service is pretty quick. His sister often makes little jabs especially about a a foot rest I have to keep my back of legs from feet hanging on floor aggravating the PN. Also use elbows on table to keep pressure off spine pain. I shouldn't let these things bother me; but unfortunately they do. I mentioned a while back about her making me feel like I am faking. Instead, I was told there was not a mean bone in his sister's body.

If we could let go of guilt and wanting others to understand we are in pain and not making up excuses, etc.; most of us would probably feel much better and less depressed. Need to really work on myself and let go of these feelings.


Gerry

Hi Gerry,
I know what you mean. My husband and siblings are very fit, all very healthy. We went on a family trip once, on a plane and I refused to carry on my bag and was the only one who checked a bag. There was grumbling we had to take an extra 5-10 minutes to get my bag...and I overheard a couple them commenting about it when they thought I was out of earshot. It is hard not to get hurt. These are people I thought loved me and they were criticizing such a stupid thing. I talked to my husband about it later and he said, because I never bring it up and never complain and look fine, people just forget my issues. And I guess he is right but I had been out of work on disability for awhile at that point and they knew it so I thought it was kinda mean.

I agree with you about trying not to let this stuff get to us. I have found I just hang out with people who "get it" and don't give me crap about it. I have a small circle of family and friends that fall into that category so that is who I spend time with. I keep reminding myself how lucky I am my husband is so understanding. Thanks for your response Gerry.
D.

Hi Diandra, I know how you feel. I am in my early 50's and have been in pain since I was 34. In the past ten yrs the pain has gotten worse. I had spinal lumar fusion, I had a SCS installed (did not help me) and I had a pain pump installed. My husband had to start cleaning, cooking, paying bills, etc. I felt so guilty, I felt like I was letting everyone down. About four months ago I decide not to discuss my pain with anyone unless they really understand what I am going through. When ask how I feel my respond is I am O.K. As for the cleaning, cooking, working outside, etc. I just do the best I can. I still have guilt and alot of pain. But I thing everyone here well help us through this and we will be able to help others along the way. One more thing, no matter how bad I feel I was keep smiling. It kind of helps me through the day. Rockport

Thanks Rockport....good advice to keep smiling. And I agree to just not talk to people who don't get the pain issues. When I think back to when I was healthy and pain free, I probably wasn't very understanding myself.

Are you by any chance from Rockport Mass?
I grew up in Massachusetts.
Diandra

This is something I struggle with a lot too. I have accepted the fact that my house will never really be that clean because I can't do housework and I don't want my husband to have to do everything. When I get stressed about things not being organized or the kitchen being too dirty to cook dinner I just remind myself that it's not all that important. If people want to judge me because my home is a mess that's their issue, not mine.

Not being able to go out I find harder to deal with. I don't want my husband to limit his life because of me so I encourage him to go out with friends even when I am in too much pain to go out. He's been very supportive about it, he knows my limitations and doesn't pressure me or make feel bad about not going out. I still get depressed about not being "normal", I don't think that will every fully go away. I manage to keep myself feeling well by staying busy with things I enjoy that don't cause me pain.

The important thing to remember: you don't have to live your life according to other people's expectations. There is nothing wrong with living your life the way you need to.

"because I never bring it up and never complain and look fine, people just forget my issues."

Yes! its a viscous circle. if you complain your a drag to be around but if you suck it up everyone thinks your okay and then don't believe you if you ever cry out again..

Yup, we're danged if we do, and danged if we don't.

Doc

Only by choice. I used to feel guilty all the time, worrying about being a burden and how annoying life must be with me. Now, not so much, I've grown with my pain, I've matured and realised what I once used to say in many of my training sessions is oh so true, we have the power of choice over our emotions. We can choose how we feel, how we react and how we behave.

We choose to feel emotions we imagine other people are thinking. A lovely lady I met once said to me, you would worry less about what people think if only you knew how little they think.

My husband says to me all the time, don't worry about it. I know better now, he really genuinely does mean don't worry about it. There is give and take in all our relationships and I have given our relationship my all.

It would be different if it were just a one way effort, but we are both in this together for better or for worse. We made a conscious choice when we got married, not knowing what could or would be coming down the track. Do I wish it was otherwise, oh yes! But, you know what, it could be worse, it could instead be him that suffers the constant pain and I would not want that! So now when he tells me if he could, he would take my pain, I know, instead, I have taken his.

Thank you for putting this in prospective. I have often thought how fortunate he/I are that he is able to get around so well with very few issues. I wouldn't want it any differently.


Gerry

you are walking in my shoes
thank you
everything you speak of is how my life is
you make perfect sense to this woman
whose passion in life
a table full on Sundays
everyone enjoying some good cooking
i think this is what pains me most
not to use a knife like i could
i so live like you
for to do what we both love
just sucks the life left in me
i am unable to do it anymore
my daughter comes and cooks once a week
loves doing it
love having her
you are Not alone
love
me