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Chronic pain has left me with no will to live...

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Old 05-06-2019, 09:23 AM   #31
CRPSinSC
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Good morning Adelina. I am rushing this morning, since I have to leave for a doctor's appt in 15 minutes. I wanted to ask how many children you have and what their ages are. I also want to take more time to reply to your two posts (since my last one). That said, I can't do it now, but if you happen to come onto the board inbetween me going to the doctor and getting back, I really hope you can fill in the blanks about the children and their ages.
I used to be a Guardian ad Litem in my state for abused and neglected children, so I know a good bit about the subject. I also have a place in my heart for children, because they don't ask to be born, and aren't emotionally or mentally developed, and the impact of bad parenting can really do a lot to these developing psychies. In any case, there is a caveat here....which is, no matter what the next person does that is emotionally disruptive to them, you are their mom, will always be their mom, and getting you healthy so that you can be healthy for them will always benefit them, whether you are with them physically, or not. I'll write more to you later, but in the meantime, pray to your higher power on their behalf, because the prayers of a mom are always so powerful. I'm off to my appointment for now, and hope you'll be on the board today so that when I come back, I have some numbers and ages.....it's ok, and it's going to be ok, Adelina.....I have had such great results from my own prayers and know that my Higher Power is real, is active in our daily lives, and listens and responds to our prayers....and concerns. If your faith is low, we'll go on mine for now....but more than that, there are some practical here and now things I can suggest, and I hope to encourage you and reassure you and give you some strength to reach out to your kids and let them know how much they are loved....even if physical distance is an issue with you all. Happy Day today, Adelina.....pain and all....it can be a great one!!!!
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Old 05-07-2019, 07:20 PM   #32
adelina
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Hi CRPS! You are wonderful. Thank you I can still feel your caring coming through in your messages and I really appreciate it thank you. I am so thrilled that you have experience being a guardian ad litem. I actually requested right when Court started originally that the girls have a legal representation for them. And in the beginning my girls would tell her about things and she would talk to my ex and he would completely discount what they said or say that they were lying. They became absolutely discouraged and hopeless and helpless in any representation. They gave up trying to fight a long long long time ago. Because the power their father has such power over them. Case in point. I had a wonderful weekend well Saturday to Sunday with my youngest daughter. She actually surprised me showing up Saturday morning hours before I was supposed to get her it was wonderful. As always the first day I have her she is really very very very very very very very active and instigates roughhousing. Which I try to encourage so much because that's what she seems to need it gives her an outlet for her built-up anxieties I think but I'm not a psychologist so I don't know I'm just going on with my mother's gut tells me. Her wrestling with her always causes severe pain but it's so worth it. She smiles and laughs and this time I asked her why she has to, well... Let me explain. she does things to instigate me and pushes and pushes and pushes. This is always been her personality from birth. But she pushes until I break down and spray her with the cat spray bottle. Laughing face emoji... okay so she always ends up soaking wet. But we both end up laughing hysterically the whole time. This time I asked her why does she insist on irritating me so much that I have to spray bottle her with water. She said because it makes you smile mom. OMG OMG OMG that was something so powerful. We also enjoy some online games and I had found a new one and shared it with her. I wanted to buy some advantages for this game and it was on account that's based off their father's credit card and will not allow any other purchases from other cards. So I told her I was going to buy something but give her cash to give to her father she was not thrilled with that because she was scared he would yell at her. I told her that it would be okay it's just a little purchase just a few dollars. So we made that small purchase for something around 6 to $8. Then I wanted to surprise her with a larger purchase or something very special that she wanted. It was not a lot of money it would require me to go without one or two things for a week or so but it was well worth it to get her to smile. When she saw it she turned white and started crying. I asked her what was wrong. She was absolutely terrified her father was going to yell at her. I said no don't worry I'm going to pay you I'm giving you cash to give to him over pay so that it will cover anyting. She was absolutely frantic and would not calm down saying that he would still be mad and yell at her. I told her okay I won't do it I'll call him first. She calms down after that but cuddled with me fiercely for the next couple of hours and I mean fiercely.! It was heartbreaking and enraged me and broke me it hurts so bad to see her this way. But it absolutely encouraged me to move on with my court case. I tried to get ahold of my ex to see if there was any chance that he would talk to me about it (not the yelling but just that I could make a purchase for her. He will not talk to me about anything regarding the girls at all anything whatsoever). Well I texted him a few times and he did not return my calls or texts about it at all. So that is an example of what I got to get my child away from. She desperately wants to live with me but both her and her older sister are terrified of their fathers repercussions in regards to it. He has their horses and pets they are terrified he will take them away from them and get rid of them. My middle daughter has a lot more of influence over my ex. But my youngest has none and he's always railed against her over exuberance and fighting attitude. She is a very difficult child for many many people because of her bossiness and outspokenness. She says exactly how she feels. She wears her heart on her shoulder. And she is a very Golden Child. She's very good and thinks of other people first. But she also does have quite a mouth. I love it all about her. But my ex has difficulties. So I want to work to save my children. My youngest will be 13 in July and my middle daughter is 16. My oldest daughter is 18 and my son 21. I of course will only seek custody for the youngest to as the others are too old to be part of it. Another problem I have with my ex is that he does not pay my health insurance on time. And when I try to talk to him about it he ignores me completely. I have to go without medications that I desperately need. I need to add that to my court issues. Well anyways I guess that's it. I have requested a new court representation for my daughters as my ex has obviously biased the attorney assigned to my daughters with lies that he has told many people. I can't blame her too much. At the time of Court originally I didn't have much fight left in me I was broken. But I just can't have this being done to my daughters. The other thing is that he teaches them that if somebody does something to them they do it back to another person. To that same person actually I mean. For example when my youngest daughter found out my middle daughter had knocked some clothes off of a bench. My ex told my youngest daughter to knock my middle Daughter's clothes to the ground. When someone 3 years older than my youngest daughter punched her very hard in the stomach my ex simply said well punch her back. He does not give her sympathy and love but she craves craves craves his attention. Which is right she should crave and need her father's attention. It's just so wrong that the only attention she gets is yelling. so I hope that I can get somewhere I have an appointment with a self-help law Center on the 28th and I will refile my papers to take him to court.
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Old 05-07-2019, 08:46 PM   #33
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I also wanted to say something about the hurt horrible verbal relationship between my children and their father. He speaks to them as roughly as he speaks to me. And my youngest speaks to him in the same manner. I absolutely hate it and I have told my children that is not right that they speak that way. To anyone. They don't ever ever ever speak to me in that manner. I don't let them and I don't talk to them in that manner. But when I'm on the phone with them and I hear their father talking to them on the phone over the phone I mean it is rude condescending mean arrogant harsh hurtful and done in a loud shouting voice. My oldest is still in high school and has moved out of my ex-husband's house. He used to refer to her as the person who lives in my house. And he had her labeled as the b**** in his cell phone. Since my eldest won't talk to me I leave her a lot of messages telling her I love her and miss her on Facebook. She has spoke of her concern about leaving the two girls alone. Has talked about the severe depression of my youngest. And the terrible relationship between my two younger girls. As soon as she graduates from high school she is moving to Florida. I do wish I could improve my relationship with her. But for right now I really have to try and get my youngest children the help they need. When I go to court I will insist on psychotherapy and family counseling. That will be second priority besides getting this dysfunction to stop. I am truly mortified at the way my youngest speaks to her father and at the way my middle daughter manipulates him. And for the most part I don't address these issues. I believe that I just need to be there for them and let them know what I disapprove of. But that I love them and I'm here for them. But I have noticed that my 16 year old is getting further distant from me. I know a lot of it has to do with her age and that's to be expected and good for her. But I don't know what to do to prevent from losing her completely. I have nothing to do with her life day to day life. Well I just thought I'd throw some more out there
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Old 05-11-2019, 01:25 PM   #34
adelina
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Hi I just wanted to check in here. I'm doing okay actually. The pain has been up and down but the migraines have been terrible. But I've not been nearly as depressed in fact I've been quite happy. I am really getting into this online community thing and it keeps me really interested. I go watch my baby eagles mature and get ready to fly out of the nest on the live cam. Or I read all the jokes that people send me. Or all the serious petitions that need to be signed. Or the animal rescues that are getting done. The flowers pictures that I like. All my interest that I can observe have been wonderful. It gives me something to look forward to. Although I can't actively participate in anything at least I can observe and be part of it that way. The only problem I've run into is I do not have an expensive enough plan with my satellite service 2 use it all the time. I'm actually using up my service about two weeks into the month. Don't know what I'll do about that yet but I've got to do something. It really makes me feel like it's somewhat normal person to share jokes with people online. Or interesting stories with other people. Having little mini conversations. Being part of my County's awareness group groups it's great. So that's something I've been looking for for years I just never thought much of the internet before this besides looking up some information every once in awhile. I have found a whole new world. And outlet for myself to be more human. It also inspires me to be a better human. It supports me when I'm feeling down. And it gives something for me to do with all of my time. Even though I watch a lot of animal shows and documentaries and educational programs, I still get very bored with television. I watch a large variety of movies and shows. But since I've discovered interactions on the internet I've hardly watched any TV. Well that's not true I still watch it about half the day but I want to be online the other half of the day. Which I can't do unless I figure out something to be able to pay for it. Anyways I haven't felt that terrible depression of not wanting to live for quite a while now weeks! That's nice and I have you guys to thank for it also because here is a place I can vent to some people that have some sympathy for me. And while I like responses I don't necessarily need them as much as I need to get it out of my brain. Otherwise it just goes on and on and it's all I can think about. So thank you to those who support me.
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Old 05-12-2019, 09:05 PM   #35
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In terrible pain today. One of the worst in a longtime. But even though I can barely move I am feeling content and blessed. Had my youngest daughter overnight and it was just wonderful to see her and spend time with her. Love her. All mothers should have such a blessing.
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Old 05-15-2019, 03:50 PM   #36
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Bad pain again. This time I feel the negativity again. A low pressure system has moved into my area. I have noticed that low pressure systems increase my pain and headaches. I don't know if I mentioned that I also have fibromyalgia. When low pressure systems move in it's not only my arms but my entire body is it feels like it's being crushed. It is horrendous horrendous horrendous pain. I will do anything to make it go away but it doesn't. If anybody out there is willing to talk to me I'm wonder if they experience an increase in pain with low pressure systems...
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Old 05-16-2019, 09:26 AM   #37
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Hi Adelina:
I am not familiar with family law, too much, but am hopeful that the self help law center will give you some good advice when you meet with them. Your ex husband sounds very bitter and immature....makes me sad to read about him. It also makes me sad that the children have a parent that discourages them in their relationship with the other parent....that is selfish and we all know destructive, imo.
I have Fibro, too, and this morning I woke up hurting from head to toe, not sure why it's like that some days, but oh so glad it's not like that every day. I dont think doctors are on the same page with how to treat Fibro or RSD, so we have to sort of flounder around with this intense body pain and hope to get to a good doctor. I have a good doctor now, and interestingly, he is looking at my body with xrays and MRIs and doing things to help, and it's working with me. I still have the fibro, but some of the other stuff is improving, which is so encouraging to me.
I've had a lot going on lately and haven't been on this site. Of all the things I've suggested, have you been able to use any of my suggestions? I'm just wondering out loud here.
Hope you have a good day today. Take Care.
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Old 05-16-2019, 04:05 PM   #38
adelina
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Hi CRPS. Thank you for getting back to me sorry that you're busy. I am blessed in that my fibro doesn't bother me all the time. It sounds like you're other condition is your worst pain inducer too? I have been dealing with vertigo for the past few weeks. It's really bad during the night when I'm sleeping or when I first wake up. I can't move my head around or bend over without falling over LOL. So I have not been able to make phone calls on your other suggestions because I'm feeling really disoriented. Frustrated too because it's something I really want to look into. But to avoid the nausea I just try to relax and stay still. Most days the vertigo settles down in the late afternoon or early evening. At that time I'm pretty tired and still feeling nauseous. I'm going in to see my doctor probably next week and hopefully get something to help the vertigo and nausea and to talk about my other issues. If I can just quit spinning I will be able to make a move on contacting churches in groups locally that maybe can help me. Thank you for all your suggestions. I feel really bad and not being able to follow up with them quickly. You've been so helpful and offering great suggestions and I thank you for that. I'm not a flake and I don't intend to not do as you asked. I've just gotten into this weird cycle of vertigo. Thank you for keeping in contact with me and I'll update you as soon as I can in finding groups to help me.
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Old 05-25-2019, 09:15 AM   #39
CRPSinSC
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Hi Adelina: Sounds like you've been battling an inner ear infection? If so, no abx for that.....it's viral, and they are awful. I had one back 15 years ago, lasted about 3 weeks and was torture! For some reason, I think my doctor told me to get Magnesium??? I think I got something else too, to absorb the Magnesium. It did work to get rid of the inner ear infection....I did get better.
My fibro flare has been relentless this time.....not sure what, if anything, I am doing to keep it going, but I wish I could figure that out (dont we all?).
Let us know how you're coming along. By now, your inner ear infection may be getting better?
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Old 06-03-2019, 12:48 PM   #40
adelina
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How does a person live without dreams? This morning walking in the grass evoked the strongest memory when I was young and would walk miles through the grass to achieve my dreams. My goals. My reality. As young as 12 I was making my life what I wanted it to be. I had to dream then. Again I ask you how does one live without dreams. I certainly don't know how. I have been 99% confined to my bed for the past week and more. My pain is so relentless but I can't even brush my hair brush my teeth follow the rules when going to the bathroom! I can't have any dreams because I can never never never ever achieve them! Pain rule my life. I miss the simplest of things. I even miss cleaning my house. I live in the filthiest most disgusting house. I used to have beautiful gardens. Now I have pots that are overgrown with grass. My children live Wonderful active lives. I hear their daily stories of actually living. I don't live. I barely exist and it is miserable. No I am not in one of my lowest lows like I have been in the past. I have no desire to end my life or two be done with life. I want life so bad. Even my days with my girls it's not living. We lie in bed and watch TV or play video games. Because I can achieve nothing! I want to be alive. Last week I was having trouble with my internet and the service was coming out. I had to move some boxes so they could reach the internet box easily. My pain was moderate at the time. And I felt that I couldn't ask for help because I felt decent. Though my friends would have scoffed at me and told me they would help any way . I wasn't in agony so I felt I had to do it by myself. NO lI wanted to do it by myself. So I did. And I experienced the worst pain I have ever had. I know I deserved it because I knew it would happen and I did stuff anyways. But I just wanted to be alive. If I pretend to be alive and use my arms then I am in the most suffering pain. Can anyone understand me?????!!! Why do so many people read this post? Are they laughing at me because I'm so weak pathetic? Does anyone commiserate empathize sympathize? I want to hear from you. My dreams have come down to being able to wipe myself after I go to the bathroom and to see my girls. I cant dream about achieving anything anymore because to try to achieved things equals pain. Look I am depressed right now. I am hurting. I come here because I need to get my feelings out otherwise I get to consumed and it's all I think of. I have to get them out I wish I could go to a therapist but I can't have not been able to do that because I cannot drive or even if I could afford one. I have reached out to local churches and not heard back from any of them. I live in a very low socio-economic community. I'll also live in a county with severe drug abuse and it's a parole release site. So there are many many many people that need help. And many are seeking it. I just need somebody to talk to about my physical and emotional pain. Some physical help maintaining my house would be nice. But I really need an outlet for people or a person to listen to me. I have come a long way in accepting my position in life. That doesn't mean I'm still not grieving about it. I was a person who made my life what I wanted it to be everyday for 25 years. What I dreamed of was my reality I made it happen I did things that I loved and had always wanted to do . Then I was hit with this. It took me years to realize I could no longer dream. And that's what's hard now. Can anyone understand this.......

On another note I have realized how severe the abuse has gotten towards my daughters. They were staying with me and in the evening my ex called and started screaming to my youngest over the phone. And I'm talkin about screaming. I could hear because I was sitting next to her. I absolutely was not eavesdropping. But then he started calling her a f****** liar over and over and over again as she tried to defend herself about something. It had something to do with grades and with the horses. She would try to talk but he would just shout over the top of her voice and kept calling her a an effing liar. She was desperate to try to get him to understand but he would not listen and kept yelling at her I leaned over and held on to her cuz I could tell she was hurt. Finally I could stand it no more and took the phone from her. I asked him to please stop cussing at her in a strong voice not yelling not shouting not mean or demeaning. I just said please do not cuss at her. He shouted at me get off the effing phone out of the effing of my life put her back on right now! I said I will I just need you to please stop cussing at her. He continued to just yell at me and cuss at me. I was very very careful to just talk in a very calm neutral voice because I did not want to make him mad more mad. It didn't work finally I gave the phone back and he continued to yell at her and degrade her and demean her. Finally she gave up fighting she was close to tears and then she just got hard. Closed off accepting of the abuse. It was horrifying to listen to and knowing I could not stop it. She finally just accepted everything he said and said yes yes yes it a dull voice. That finally seemed to appease him and he hung up. One minute later he called me knowing I'm with the girls and that we all just sit and watch TV or play games on my bed. I live in a studio and there's no room for other furniture. Besides I enjoy sitting close to my daughters. Anyway, he called me and starts yelling me telling me to stay out of his f****** life! Leave him the f*** alone! And saying both statements over and over and over again. He accused me of eavesdropping. I said I couldn't help but hear because I was sitting next to her and he was so loud on the phone. He said that he knows I'm doing everything I can to get to influence his daughters against him I tried to tell him no I do not. I encourage them to have a good relationship with him and that I just tell them that I don't like certain things that they do or he he does. In the way they talk to each other. He just kept renting on stay the F out of his life and leaving the f--- alone. It was horrifying for the girls to hear that. I finally said I'm hanging up because this is not productive and he said something about how I'm just scared that he's getting to the truth. This makes me think that on the times that he's hanging up on me is when he feels that I'm getting to the truth. I only wanted to hang up because the girls were listening and it was going nowhere conversing with him. He also started telling me to get my effing lawyer and do what I needed to do. I'm really not sure what that meant except that maybe he knows I'm taking him to court. He has a small name in this County and knows many influential people. So I have the feeling that somebody told him. He knows people at the Sheriff's Office and I was trying to have the Sheriff's Office serve him. They did not because they said it was too close to the court date. Now he tells me to get my effing lawyers and do what I need to do. Too much of a coincidence to not think that he knows something. I'm still going forward with the court case but I'm going to try to do a change of venue after this happened. I had a long talk with my daughter's after this all happened. I reassured them that they were safe with me that I won't talk to him about what they say and that they don't have to say they know anything when he or if he asks. We talked about the court representative of them their legal representation representation. The one they had when we were first fighting about custody completely alienated them. As we were talking on this day my youngest daughter broke down or actually shut down. I was talking to her about having to tell people about what was going on and she begs not to have to talk. I told her that she's going to have to talk to someone and that I know that the last person didn't help and made things worse. I think I have mentioned that the girls would tell her stuff and then the representative would talk to my ex and he would tell the representative that the girls were lying and then the representative would talk to the girls about their lying. So as I said my youngest shut down and said in the weakest voice I've ever heard her use why would a grown up not believe a child that young over a parent? That broke my heart. She really and truly believes that another adult that was supposed to be on her side would truly support her as I always have. This was when she was just 7 to 8 years old. Now she's 13 and absolutely Beyond terrified, to the point of shutting down, to talk to any adults about how she feels besides me. Anyways I explained to her that I would work to find a different representative and that she needs to talk to this person to tell them to the truth. I don't want to tell them anything about court because I don't want to be influencing them. But I had to explain to them that they had to talk to someone about what was going on and to tell the truth. My youngest cried and cried but it is shut down Manner. or where she just lies there with tears running down her face. It is so scary knowing that it takes so long with this court stuff and that I am limited on making it happen fast due to my pain. But I am working on it I have a date to meet with lawyer at the self-help center in a week and a half. I am hoping she can give me advice on changing venues and changing legal representation for the girls. I can't afford a lawyer and found out that ones that do pro bono 4 people like me in my position aren't worth trusting. I had three lawyers throughout my fight with my ex. They all expected for my ex to pay at the end of the Court. They all conspired behind my back with my ex because they just wanted things to end. I wanted to fight. Anyway off-topic so now I won't go to a lawyer and I do use the self-help center. I will fight for myself as I did before after I got rid of using bad lawyers.

Okay that's my update on myself and my update with my children. I guess I do have a dream that I am holding onto and can work for. And that is the dream of helping my children by helping the verbal abuse stop at their home. I wanted to call CPS after that night. But I soon realized that if I did that my youngest daughter at least would be taken into foster care. That would be the worst thing right now because she wouldn't even be able to see me or do her activities that she loves and helps keep her sane. If anybody has advice on this subject I would greatly appreciate it.
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