[adelina]

I am not suicidal. But I know that, given the choice, if I could leave peacefully I would accept a choice to no longer live. I have been in chronic pain for 11 years. It came on very suddenly and ended my life as the person I strove to be. I lost my Mobility MyHealth my family. I have neuropathy that is small fiber and not treatable except by pain medications. Which I despise beyond all belief. But if I did not have them I would actively take my life my pain is so bad. Even with them I am bedridden unable to care for myself or my children or to go play with my animals. I am tired of crying in bed 4 to 5 days a week from the pain. During this time of year I am in a level 8 to 10 4 to 5 days a week. I cannot do anything besides watch TV. I do not have a life. I cannot go out. I cannot have an active life with my children. Having been a stay-at-home mom now I see them but a couple of days a month. I don't want to be this way. I attended this forum consistently when I was first diagnosed. But since then life has just gotten worse and I feel tremendously guilty even bringing it up. I do not want to call suicide prevention is that is not my issue. I have one friend who is also disabled and she provides me with a meal each night. But I cannot rely on her as much as I need help. I am verbally abused by my ex-husband on a regular basis in front of my children. He has alienated my two oldest children from me. My two youngest have very deep-seated issues aligning from my illness and their and my relationship with their father. My youngest is terrified of pain and getting the condition that I have. Ganglioneuritis or ganglionitis. Fibromyalgia. Severe autonomic issues and a plethora of other health issues. My middle daughter has become an emotional brick/wall from all of the upheaval in her life. Both girls have a very strenuous. And imo dysfunctional relationship with their father but do not acknowledge very much of it. My youngest cannot well actually my middle girl as well cannot handle their emotions. Also my youngest is very much a caretaker. She has not really ever known life without me being disabled. She is also very high energy and maintenance. Where is my middle daughter is extremely in dependent and closed off. That said I feel we have is close of a relationship as we can given the circumstances. I try to fight or their rights with the father but he will not acknowledge me and I have no legal rights. I am trying to go to court to change this we'll see what happens. Back to why I'm primarily here. I live minimally. I sleep when I'm not in pain I eat 2 meals a day. I go to the bathroom and go out with my dog for her to go to the bathroom. That is it. I have no life. And don't know how I can endure the rest of my life however long or short it may be. I am a total failure in every respect of life. Some may say I am feeling sorry for myself. And I do think I do that but I have nobody else to feel sorry for me. Nobody to tell me it's okay to feel this way. Nobody to tell me fix it. Nobody to be there for me. Comfort me. Care for me. I already put too much on my girls it can't face doing more. My pain has increased as it always does this time of year but it is extremely high this year. It has placed me in this mood. I know antidepressants will not work. I have tried them throughout my life and all they do is lower the thresholds at either end of the emotional spectrum. But do not help the issue. I would enjoy psychotherapy but I cannot afford it and I cannot also Drive. I'm sorry to put this out there it is another failure to me. But I just don't know what to do. I am not scared of death. I am scared of dying. But as I said I dream of it many days a week.

[adelina]

Wow. 5 min has passed and I feel less oppressed. Slightly less heavy and mournful. Just getting it out has helped. Thank you

[adelina]

I am so, so sorry. I feel as though I have made a tremendous mistake. No one has responded and I think perhaps I have done something wrong. Have I overstepped the rules?

[Wren]

adelina -- No, I'm certain you haven't made a mistake of any sort. I'm glad you found this site - a place you can "talk". I'm also certain more people will be here to respond.
It sounds like you are in such a situation that I don't know HOW to respond. I wish I spoke better -- I wish you felt better.
Please, please, do keep talking, talking all you want. We are listening.

[adelina]

Wren I love and try to live by your quote at the bottom. Thank you for responding. I cannot believe how much better I felt from just getting it out. Not lively, but less oppressed. I will keep at it and maybe I will get to a place where I am able to actively engage in life again. That is my hope.

[adelina]

Okay I have to get this off my chest so I'm going to talk to you. I'm a bad mom. I called Monday night to confirm with my oldest daughter sorry my middle daughter that she was coming to visit for 2 days. She said that she wanted to just do one day . She's 16 and because I'm disabled we are not able to do anything but watch TV and talk alot when they come to visit. It is terrible it makes me miserable. But I know they love me and so they make the visits. I only get to see my middle daughter though about once a month because she has a wonderfully active schedule. Which I fully support. But I snapped at her when she wanted just a one day visit. I was hurt by that. that I am so low on her priority list which is so completely normal for a 16 year old and what they're supposed to be doing. But at the same time I struggle with missing their lives. I cannot go see their events. They're both very busy and wonderfully attending many after school activities. And teenagers are supposed to grow away from you. But it hurts so much to not be regular mom. I knew snapping at her was wrong. So we left the phone call saying we would meet to have her come over. But this morning I called and very nicely explained I was in too much pain to have her visit right now and told her I loved her and to have a good Easter weekend. And I know that I left her feeling guilty last night but this morning I did the right thing and she felt okay. But I feel miserable with this instability with my emotions has gone far enough. I've decided I'm going to try and do antidepressants so that my lows aren't so low. The problem is antidepressants repress all feelings including joy and love and happiness. And I need those positive feelings so badly right now. My pain has been so bad this year so much worse than it is ever been. I need something good. I need need need my children. But they have zero need for me. At least my middle. My youngest calls when she's out doing a chore and all alone. At least she calls me some. I truly do not have anyone. And I have wanted so badly to make new friends so I can find support but I do not leave my house. I have tried various online Outlets but every site I have tried doesn't seem to have very many people on it. Even this site has substantially changed from what it was when I tried it years ago. I really need therapy so I have someone to talk to but even that wouldn't be the support and care that I need. I am almost 50 this is ridiculous I should be a grown up good not need people. The problem is I went through my whole life independent. Growing up with a mother who is cold and remote and emotionally manipulative left me independent at a very young age. So I've never ever had close friends. When I got sick I really distance myself from society and lost my social friends. Then with my divorce my ex-husband told the rest people that I talked to that I was a drug addict and an alcoholic. Completely untrue but now I feel like a pariah when I go anywhere in the town we lived together in. I no longer live there. But I'm in a a place where I cannot get out to make friends. To find people that would support and listen to me. Well I hope this helps my day I hope it makes me feel better. And I hope that someone could understand what I'm going through

[adelina]

Hi everyone. I just wanted to say that I'm having a pleasant day. It is been a long time I've been able to say that when my kids aren't here or out with my friend. It's because of the information offered by CRPS. That has led me on a wonderful search that has educated me about what could possibly be going on in my mind my brain. Also from that I found and researched information about my migraines and found a possible reason why they have gotten so severe. This information has giving me some hope but not even just hope validation. Having that at least for this time has changed my outlook. And it's not that I'm not in pain I am in pain today but it hasn't been as severe as it was a few days ago. I was even able to get some things done that I've been needing to get done four days in weeks. I've also found a wonderful website about a breeding Trio of bald eagles on the Upper Mississippi. There are actually two males and one female that are raising three eaglets. Now to me I have a an associate's degree in biology and head once wanted to become a biology instructor. So this is really fascinating I've always been interested in Birds of Prey and but I have never gotten into bird watching. But this has a live cam and I get to watch the birds behavior and care for the chicks eaglets. It's really interesting to me and gives me something to look forward to. Just like posting on this forum gives me something to look forward to. Previously the only things I had to look forward to with seeing my children and getting my one meal of the day one primary meal of the day. So thank you to everyone who connects with me. And will check in later

[Wren]

So good to hear from you, adelina

[Patperk33]

I know what you are going through I used to have a life. Riding dirt bikes, playing sports, driving anywhere I wanted to go, working and Now I can’t do anything other than watching tv and watching my daughter. Because of 8 brain surgeries. I have no friends anymore because no one wants to come visit the guy that is disabled because he can’t drive and has seizures. I’m in constant pain that no doctors can figure out. And my crappy state insurance won’t cover anything that would let the doctors figure out what the cause is. I go to bed every night not knowing if I’m gonna wake up or not. I try every day to make the best out of it that I can. Because not knowing if I’m gonna be here tomorrow to see my 2 year old daughter again is a very scary thing


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[adelina]

Oh Pat you do understand! I feel your situation completely. I'm so sorry. And to have such a young child that has got to be so torturously wonderful and terrifying at the same time. Do you have a partner to help you take care of your child? I understand completely about the friends who don't want to be associated with somebody with a disability. I never have anything to contribute to conversations because I don't do anything and I'm always in pain. It must be a lot the same for you except you have seizures on top of that. That is such a heavy load to carry and I'm so sorry. And I understand about not being able to get help from the insurance companies. Mine has been okay but just okay. State Insurance is terrible. Have you proven that there are ways to improve your situation to them. Maybe if you do that you could petition and get more help? I really don't know how State Insurance Works only that it stinks. I thank you so much for your post please please please keep posting and talk to me. I am definitely the person who can empathize with you.