The title caught my eye.

I guess it boils down to - do they {family} make more negatives in your life or more positives??

If the interactions are mostly negative then distancing yourself is a good choice.

Wendy-
But if your sister is basically a nice person -then maybe send another card with a "Best Wishes" and a "I just was told of your wedding" "thinking of you" that sort of thing and see if she replies or not???

but only you know if that is worth a try or not.

Wendy...you definitely have a cause for feeling hurt, left out, betrayed. It is so very sad that sometimes even the people who really love us shut us out of their lives because they believe we must be "tainted" or something because of our medical conditions. Or else they assume we must be faking somehow, using it as a crutch.

As far as letting your guard down once in a while, I don't see how you can ever totally avoid that when you're a kind and caring person. Being nice often equates to being vulnerable, and there's no way around that. Still, I'd rather be hurt once in a while than turn into a hard and spiteful person.

Just last week my father surprised me by giving me a car to drive. A nice little used Dodge Avenger, complete with tags, insurance, and a full tank of gas. I was so thrilled I wanted to hug him bigtime. But then he went and spoiled it all by giving me a lecture about how now that I had wheels, I could go back to being a "normal person" again. I didn't know what to say. I am a normal person. It just so happens that I live with a chronic condition. Ten cars wouldn't take that away.

So I can definitely get a sense of where you're coming from. I know that being in pain already, you definitely could do without more. But I think it's better to continue to be yourself, and not let the ignorance of others make you into someone who's brittle. I wish you the best of luck, and hope that your sister, and the rest of your family, realize what a blessing you can be just as you are right now.

Idealist

Jo, unfortunately, my sister would not be receptive to any letters or phone calls from me. I was thinking the same thing myself, but realized I would be setting myself up for another slap in the face.
Thank goodness I have a therapy appointment today. I really need to talk to someone about this. I feel so alone right now (beyond you fine people here). I have no one really to talk to about this. Talking to Todd (my husband) has already been done and he is very upset about how I am being treated. I just need someone objective to help me deal with this.
Why are we treated like such pariahs?

I listen to Dr Laura sometimes, and she is good at putting things into perspective. { About taking or putting up with any kind of abuse or negative actions from others.}
Of course some think she is too harsh, or to cut and dried, but in general - she gives pretty reasonable advice.

here is her link-
http://www.drlaura.com/main/

Idealist-
Why would your dad think a car will make you "normal"??
I think I have read other posts where the dad just can't handle or deal with even a grown daughter with chronic pain.
Must be the "fix it "syndrome - but they can't fix it.

Wendy,
Bottom line is you have to take care of your needs first and if being around certain family members drags you down then its time to cut ties! In my case certain family members stayed around me as long as I continued shelling out money...but as soon as I put a stop to that......they no longer had any use for me. One day I woke up and realized that I was the only giver in the relationship and I wanted to know if I quit giving if they would still be around for me....and I found out my gut feeling was right...I was simply being used. I don't feel like I am hard and bitter, just decided to protect my heart along with my bank account a little better. You just have to do what is right for you.

Yes, I get really upset with myself for letting my guard down, and I get upset for allowing myself to be hurt, and I get upset at myself for not expecting the hurt before-hand, and then I get upset with myself for getting upset... and then I just feel worn out, tired, and stupid.

For me, the best way to deal with it is to talk it out, or write it out. I talk to my husband and I talk to the forum. I write on my blog and/or I write in my journal.... and I try to do relaxing things to pamper myself and treat myself gently. Sometimes shopping therapy helps

And then I retreat back into my shell and ignore my family. It's just easier for me to ignore them and withdraw from them because I don't want to get hurt again. I realize that my family will never understand me, they will never get it, they will never change - so in order to stop the hurt I have to be the one to change, and the best change I can make is to withdraw from them so that they can't hurt me.

Thankfully, I have my husband who completely understands, and I have this forum full of friends who completely understand... and one neighbor who understands (she works in healthcare in a home for disabled people, so she is the only "real life" friend who understands - she is the only "real life" friend I have).

It's funny, because when I first met this neighbor I couldn't stand her at all... I thought she was annoying and I did not want to be neighborly or friendly with her... but then at a condo association meeting we ended up working together on the same committee and we became good friends.


It's sad that I have gotten to a point in life where I usually expect my family to disappoint me and misunderstand me and hurt me. It's sad that in order to protect myself I have to keep away from my family. But I realized that no relationship with them is better than a bad relationship with them. They don't understand that either, they all think that I am being a witch for cutting off contact... but I have to do what is necessary in order to keep myself mentally and emotionally healthy.

But it still hurts to know that keeping myself mentally and emotionally healthy means that I have to keep my family at arms length, or cut off contact with them.

Oh I remember a word for some people it's TOXIC! I can't remember where I heard it used but it makes sense to me.

if they are bad {toxic} to be around you have to distance yourself - and who needs any added stress?? anyway?

That is exactly what my family is...toxic. I have decided to break ties with them again. Of course, my grandmother once she found out that my father doesn't talk to me said she is going to give him a talking to. Wonderful, that is what I need. Thanks Memere!
Well thanks for my therapist. She helped me out by just listening and observing. She gave me a book to read, "Running with Scissors". The movie just came out. I just bought it off Barnes and Noble.com. She said that I might see my family in the author's.
Thank you all for being there for me. As sad as this may sound, it is so good to see I am not alone feeling run out of my family because of my illnesses.
Why do people have to be this way?

Hi Wendy,

You are not alone when it come to family problems. I also no longer speak to mine. I would say it has something to do with Chronic Pain but I have another brother who has CP as well but seems the rest of the family is fine with him.

the problem is he abused his pain meciation runs out early, takes too much, etc. then he turns to heroin. I have mentioned this to my mother and other brother but I have been given the brush off. Seems now one cares what i have to say and on my last visit to see my mother she did not listen to one single word I said. I am incredibly angry but I can no longer speak with any of them. My fiance and I have a bet going as to whether or not my mother will call us on thanksgiving and to wish me well on my birthday. I have a sinking feeling that she won't call. I can't say I am all that un happy about it as I really have nothing to say to her. In fact she doesn't know that I am sick and may require a pace maker for my cardiac issues due to Lyme disease.
If I told her she would probably think I was just making it up to copy my brother who has CP. My family thinks like that, Sad

Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone.

Glenn

I think that those of us who try and fight the system so to speak are the ones who are ostracized. When we confront those who are mean or we speak our peace then we are "in trouble".
Funny huh? I was brought up to speak my mind and be independent and now I am being punished for it.
I guess when major issues are swept under the carpet only then are our families are comfortable with us. Glenn (good to see you around by the way!) that is why your brother is accepted and you aren't. He doesn't say anything, he just does while you question what you see isn't quite right and you are looked down upon.
You just can't pick family....wish I could though.