[jane08]

I can't even believe I'm writing about this. March 3rd I went into early labor at 24 weeks. My water broke in my bedroom. The ambulance rushed me to the ER, alone b/c my husband had to watch our two little girls, 3 & 1 y.o. I was bleeding heavily and needed an emergency c-section. I can hear and see everything in my mind like it happened yesterday. Right before the surgery, I met the neo-natologist. The baby still had a faint heartbeat. As I lay on the table, the doctor delivered my son at 2:45am. There was nothing but silence. The anesthesiologist asked me if I wanted medication. He said it might give me amnesia. I didn't understand. I told him I wanted to be alert in case I had to make a decision about the baby. That's when my doctor told me he was gone. My whole world just fell to pieces in an instant. My little boy was gone. After having to go through fertility treatments to have my daughter, this pregnancy was a miracle. My husband and I were told we wouldn't get pregnant on our own, but we did. And now to lose him, the son that I prayed for. I am devastated. A nurse gave me a phone to call my husband to tell him what happened. He kept asking, "What? What? What do you mean?" The nurse had to explain. After the surgery, I was in Labor & Delivery recovery, surrounded by other women who had just given birth. I could hear their babies crying. It's just not fair. The nurse asked if I wanted to see my son and I got to hold him. He was so small and cold and fragile. At only 13 ounces, he fit in my hands like a little doll. They had swaddled him and he had a tiny hat on his head. When my husband finally got there, they had moved me to a private room on the maternity floor. I was holding the baby and he just looked at me like I was crazy for holding a dead baby. But I didn't want to let him go. It's like if I held him long enough he would just wake up. My husband finally held him. Then he put him back in his little bed. I was on so much medication and everyone kept telling me to try to sleep but how could I? I finally got moved to a regular room on the med-surg floor, and was discharged the next day. We went to the funeral home on the way back from the hospital. I still can't believe I had to make arrangements to bury my baby. How did this happen? We had plans and baby John was part of everything and now he's gone. My 3 year old has been waking up with nightmares about the ambulance coming to take me away and she keeps asking where the baby is. I don't know what to do. I am so sad and frustrated and angry at the same time. This has just been a nightmare that I can't wake up from.

[SandyC]

Awwww, I am so sorry for your loss. I have lost two babies to early miscarriage and will never know what you went through so far along in your pregnancy. I am glad you wrote it out because that helps even if at the time it doesn't feel like it.

We have several members who have lost children. I am sure they will be in here to help support you.

[Kitty]

Hi Jane and welcome to NeuroTalk.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. You've come to the right place to share your thoughts and feelings, though.

[sabimax]

Jane I am so very sorry, and I send you great big HUGSSSSS

10 years ago.. well almost 11 years ago, I was full term, two days after due date and my baby stopped kicking, I went in and she had passed away inside! I had to labor and give birth... we held her a lot as she was full term, 7lb 7 oz...

so anyhow... it hurts a LOT! let the tears fall when you feel them, let your feelings out.. share the story with any who will listen.... I mainly send hugssss

as many I recall would say certain things when we lost our Sabrina, that they meant well but the sayings almost hurt or made me mad... so bear with people... as they may not know what to say or do.. but know they say or do what they do not knowing what to say... did that sound right

anyhow, glad you came in, just typing it and sharing it helps... you will slowly be better, but yes you will miss the sweet baby boy for lifetime...

snuggle up those little ones you have, you and hubby hug and talk and cry together as much as you need to.. letting it out helps trust me...

hugsss and more hugssssssssss and so sorry for your loss, sarah (pm me if you ever need to we can stay in touch)

[Lady]

Jane, I am sorry to hear of the loss of your baby boy. I know it makes little sense why these things happen, but they do. I have miscarried three times.

I had two miscarriages. One at two months, the next at four months. This was before I had my first child. I, too, was devastated.

Once I had the first baby, I thought it would never happen again. It did. I was 5 1/2 months pregnant, and I had a leak in the amniotic fluid (water surrounding the baby). It was minor but they had no way to fix it back then.

The fluid kept leaking until the baby died inside me, from having no fluid to survive. They did not have any ultrasound machines back then, just the old scope to hear the heart beat, and X-rays.

They were afraid to abort me even though the baby was not kicking and no heartbeat could be found. I felt gas bubbles and thought maybe, just maybe the baby was alive and just not a mover or kicker. But no.

I had to carry it until it aborted itself. It was the protocol back then. It was the worst time of my life to wear maternity clothes and know the baby was not alive, and waiting for it to abort itself. It took two weeks to abort. It was the worst two weeks of my life. I prayed, I cried.

The doctor said you can have more children, you are young. Yes, true I said, but I wanted this one, I fell in love with this one, from day one. I hemorrhaged with all three miscarriages and had D & C's after each.

I still had my first born and was so happy I did have the one child. But even though it was eons ago. I still miss the ones I lost especially the two I felt move and kick.

I went on to have two more children. So I had been pregnant 6 times. The second one I lost they let my see. The last one they did not, because of the length of time of death and birth was two weeks.

So I understand my dear how it hurts, how it should not be. But we are not the one who determines which child we will get.

I had to take Prevera pills to hold onto the three I did have. I was low on Progesterone, which helps make the bed lining in the uterus, and keeps it from shedding its lining monthly.

The leak I had, was just a odd happening no one knew why. It was just not to be. I had to settle for that.

I feel for you and your husband. I pray with time you all will heal and go on to have more children in your lives. Bless you.

.

[Chemar]

my deepest condolences to you Jane


I lost 2 babies before they were born and I know how deeply that impacted me, so my heart truly goes out to you after what you suffered.

I hope you have someone close apart from your husband who can be a support and help to you with the other children and around the home at this time. You need to be able to grieve and recover, and I am sure your husband does too.

my prayers are lifted for you

[JD]

((((((((hugs)))))))) I'm so sorry for your loss.

Please try not to ask all those questions right now. You can ask them later, and maybe with better understanding etc. Right now you need to take time to take care of you, and mourn your loss.

Please make sure the 3 year old is told the truth, and that it had nothing to do with him. That's they way children think and feel, you know, that they were bad and caused this. It's ok to cry with them... but they might not have that attachment you know?

[jane08]

thank you to everyone who listened to my story and had such kind words. hearing your own stories makes me feel like i'm not so alone and it's comforting. i am so sorry for your losses and i look forward to being able to smile again.

[steash]

i cannot find words to express how i feel when i read your post other than to offer a very heartfelt hug.(cuddle)
xx

steash

[MelodyL]

Jane:

I had never come to this forum before and I happened upon it and then I read your post. I am so sorry. I just want to know if you are okay.

I wish you well.

Take care,

melody