Hello to all. I am new here. My wonderful husband died 3 months ago from non-small lung cancer. We were married 20 years and he was only 59. He died within 2 weeks of his diagnosis. I have health problems: rheumatoid arthritis, perpheral neuropathy among others. I am on alot of meds and my doctor prescribed xanax after my husband died.
I am going to group grief counseling offered by the hospice. The problem is from the time I arrive at the meeting until after I leave, I cry uncontrollably and cannot stop so I cannot participate in the conversation and don't get any benefit from the group. Sometimes it gets so bad I have to leave because I feel I am a disruption. I have alot of breakdowns in public but they usually resolve quickly.
I am already on alot of psych drugs for my various conditions including the xanax. What can I do to control myself so I can benefit from the meetings? No one else carries on like I do and I feel like I am acting like a baby. Does anyone have any advice to offer? Thank you.

Oh Cat, it is much to soon for you to do anything but cry. I am so very sorry for your loss. To lose him so soon after his diagnosis hardly gave you two time to say good bye and tie up the loose ends we all have in our lives. Please be kinder to yourself and I think you need a "better" grief group...do you have a church minister to talk to..or siblings? One of the things we always do at our support group is cry....there's a box of kleenex on the table and we take turns pushing it towards each other. How large is your group and who is the moderator.??

Cat

I'm so sorry for your loss. Whether it's expected or unexpected the death of a loved one is always so vary hard.

Please don't put pressure on yourself to be or act a certain way. Especially so soon after his death. I would assume you're still in the "shock" stage. Everyone grieves differently and there's no right or wrong way. And there is no time frame for grief. Whatever it takes for you....that's the time frame it will take. It's a very personal thing.

The unexpected crying.....or "grief bursts" as I liked to call them......were very unnerving to me and seemed to happen at the most inopportune moments. And at places that had no specific or sentimental meaning to me. That's just the nature of grief.

I hope you'll give yourself some time. Don't put pressure on yourself to try and assume a normal pace. It'll happen.

You have my deepest sympathy.

Hi ~ I was just like that when my husband died. I knew for about 6 months that he was going to die, but I still couldn't but my mind around it. I nursed him until he died. It just tore me apart.

I spoke with a grief counselor. Being one on one was the best thing for ME to do. Perhaps that would work for you too. Call Hospice and ask to speak to one of their grief counselors - they are trained in this and are excellent!! They will be happy to talk with you as often as you need it.

Please give them a call. You won't regret it. God bless and Take care. Hugs, Lee

Hello Cat,
My husband also died of non small cell lung cancer and he was 65 when he died in Jan. of 2010 so it hasn't yet been a year. I can tell you from my experience, you have to give yourself permission to grieve in your own way. Whatever it takes girl! That's the only way to work your way through it and there are no rules, no schedule or simple way for anyone. It's hard work! I'm still prone to burst into tears at the sound of a song we loved together or the reminder of something we used to do for fun. He wasn't sick long either so there wasn't alot of time to think ahead. I was in denial that he was even sick after he died. Now that's denial! We were married for 37 years and had 3 children. For months I woke up thinking I would like to join him, how dare he leave me like this and what do I do now? We had planned a life together and he left early. Then I would get myself out of those thoughts by thinking I'm not the only one who misses him and everyone dies. When you look at what happened, you think you are the only one, but there are others out there who can work through their own not so distant grief by helping you. And you will reach that point. Don't rush yourself or take shortcuts! You need to allow yourself time and discover your own methods of doing what it takes to come through this. I have learned not to worry about what others might think of my outbursts of grief. It really doesn't have anything to do with you.
God bless you on this journey and I will watch for more posts by you. I hope this helps.

Hi, Melissa
Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I am so sorry for your loss. I guess I have to keep fumbling my way thru this. People just get alarmed when I say that I just want to be with him. It doesn't mean I am suicidal. It just means you can't always get what you want and I have to accept that.

Hi, Alffe
Sorry I haven't responded until now. I have had a long flair with both my RA and peripheral neuropathy plus the holidays were more than I could handle.
The moderator from my grief counseling group was Chris Koepew, MA from Solari Hospice. He would give us handouts giving advice from other sources as to helping to cope. But it seemed like he was going out of his way not to give any personal advice at all. It was like let the group help you not me. He called me several times asking me to come back to the group as I did not show up for a month. I did return for 1 last meeting and was coherant enough to realize that the group had become more like a social party than a grief help group. So I stopped going and have no plans to go back. The number of people in the group varied from 6 to 15 at any given time. I do not go to a church so counseling there is not an option. Any questions to the hospice about individual counseling was met with advice to come to the group sessions. I must say I was very disappointed with this group but the info in the handouts was very good and I refer to them often. I think I am doing better now except everytime something goes wrong, my first response is to start crying: at the pharmacy, on the phone with SSDI etc.

Thank you all for your kind words of support.
Cat

Catloucle,

I am so sorry for your lose. Crying is a good emotion it gets all the junk out. I hope as time goes on you will feel stronger, and there is a saying "time heals all wounds".

It is so strange that I should come across this thread and I never go on this topic? My husband and I have had to deal with the trauma of emotions when your caring for someone who has non-small cell lung cancer. His mother was diagnosed 1 year ago and it has been a rollar coaster of emotions for us and much depression, pain, medical treatments for her who of course suffers the most. Nobody should have to go through all this. What advise can I give except each day things will get better. I know for me, and I'm not dealing with anything near what you are, but for me I try and keep busy with anything just to get out of the house.

Hugs, Hugs, Hugs,

Gabbycakes

Hello
I am almost at the 6 month mark now. I am still crying everyday and can feel myself slipping into depression. I am already on anti-depressents for my RA and Neuropathy and I have let my neuro know I am feeling this way. I have days in a row where I don't get out of my pjs and don't feel motivated to do any thing. My RA and neuropathy flares aren't helping the situation any and I feel very lonely.
Now I am feeling the overwhelming urge to dispose of my husband's ashes per his wishes. I have to go to California and dump them in the Pacific Ocean. I am waiting til March or April when weather is not so cold and I am hopefully feeling better. I have the feeling that this may be my stumbling block and my answer.
I still can't say his name without my throat getting really tight, and still can't bear to see pictures of him.
I hope I am doing ok.

Hello Cat...I'm so glad you came back to talk to us and I'm really sorry the support group has been such a disappointment. Talking about what we are feeling is one of the keys to recovering, as is crying.

The holidays must have been so difficult for you to go through without him. All the firsts are wrenching when we are new in our grieving. Burying someone we love, under any circumstances, changes everything.

I'd like to recommend a book by Sally Miller, PhD. It's called Mourning and Dancing A memoir of Grief and Recovery.

"Robert Henry Downham died on Wednesday, August 23, 1967, in Indianapolis, Indiana, of reticulum cell sarcoma. Three weeks before he died, he did not know he was sick. Nine days after dignosis, he died."

I also continue to read Martha Hickman's Healing After Loss, Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief.

Todays "page" Feb. 16th says

"It is an odd feeling to be walking along a busy street, or going in and out of stores, with a grief so central and preoccupying it seems to define our existence, and yet people walk by not noticing at all!

Are we puzzled, and perhaps a little angry, that the world should continue on its merry way? Somehow we feel the earth should stop spinning and acknowledge our grief.

But when we stop and think about it, we don't really want all the rest of the world to go awry, just to keep us company. We need whatever security an otherwise well-ordered world might offer. Just as well, then, that these passerby don't know the turmoil and sorrow within us as we brush past. And who knows what they may be carrying in their own hearts."

*****************

I think it helps us to know that our grief is survivable and one day we will remember all the joy we shared with our loved ones, instead of the crushing pain in our hearts.

Please stay in touch. We care.

Right now I am praying really hard that my husband (along with my Dad) will be able to be with my younger sister when she crosses over. She has non-hodgkins lymphoma of the brain. It is in her cerebellum and is growing rapidly despite chem. It is pressing on her brain stem and causing autonomic problems. She fades in and out of consciousness constantly. The doctors say they don't know why. (duh) Or how long she has.