I need to stop sounding and feeling like a victim!

It is so hard when relationships go their seperate ways. It takes time to move on. It takes time to grieve for it. It takes time to heal. While you go through this process if that is the direction you must choose, try to keep busy. Try to occupy you thoughts and your actions with other things. This is what I am doing. I went with my son on my first canoe trip in years. Peaceful on the Peace river. Each day I try to remember that not every relationship is meant to be forever. Be good to yourself. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. ginnie

Hi TAK!

I get why you said this ----but you feel this way because you tried very hard and so long to make it work. His cognotive skills and emotional responses are not there to be part of any normal relationship. Which has made you feel isolated and alone and depressed for a very longtime. Don't beat yourself up over it ---give yourself time. Im glad to hear you reached out to a support group its really hard when your battling these types of situations in your head alone. It cause all of us at times self doubt everything. However--- something happens when you even just say the words to others---its almost healing for you. It helps you validate your feelings and thoughts. Im glad to read your taking postive steps for yourself.

To MG
Would like to hear more from you! I think I know what you're saying but my head and heart are not in sync. That is exactly what my mother said too-who is going to take care of him? I keep trying to come up with a creative solution. Also, I feel like I will be blamed. He is a nice person, but this is NO marriage!

Hi Tak,

Your heart and head not being in sync is totally normal not sure how they could be --you been in a 20yr marriage. Your right you will prob be blamed-- if you decided to leave-- every family needs a scapegoat!! The only part of that-- you can control is --your part. Maybe by sitting them down and explaining to them what your life has been like--- and how long you been suffering. Not sure if he has a brother or sister to help look out for him? I get what your saying about the age thing too--- but didint you hear 50's is the new 30's... LOL. Im in your age bracket so I get that too being part of the equation in your mind. If your in love with your friend (not sure) it makes thing even harder on you-- on a daily basis-- because you may be torn on a new life as well as your old life. Does your husband know your this unhappy?

MG, I've told husband how I feel but he doesn't seem to "get" feelings very much. Since his neuro diagnosis I'm hanging back and observing him closely so I really get an unbiased, non-judgemental assessment of him and that will help me make a decision. I just kind of let him do his own thing and think of him as a roommate or child. I do believe I am in love with my new friend. Known him all my life and kind of a crazy coincidence how we reconnected. Thanks for the heads up on being scapegoated. I did talk to his one and only brother 70 miles away. To tell you the truth I don't think anyone in his family has much to offer. Eventually he is going to have to let me know what he wants to do too. Keep writing if you want its very helpful!! Thank you.

Hi Tak,

I think you sound like a really good person and have been a good wife. At the sametime. I think you have every right to be happy. The good thing is he might mentally be all he can be-- but he works and can fend for himself. How many years has he been emotionally detached ? I worded that wrong --i meant at least physcially him being able to work is a good thing.

I think you are right that he is "all he can be". I've always felt something wasn't right but couldn't put my finger on it-emotionally detached is a good description. I offer to help him but he doesn't want it. I get that...he just wants to keep doing what he has been doing, I am the one who has changed and am unwilling to live like this much longer (confused and lonely).
Our car insurance company wants to "review" the policy and I fear we may be dropped again. He had two accidents this winter.
I wonder what kind of help would be good for him; memory is at 10%-12%. Not sure what that really means but It sounds like he only remembers 10% of what he hears, and that seems pretty low!
Thank you for your validation that I have the right to be happy. I'm no good to anyone this unhappy. Looked at a beautiful townhouse today by myself and did some dreaming.

Hi Tax,

It sounds like your on the right path and planning. Nobody should feel this miserable! I can tell by your post your at the end of your rope with him. Nothing easy about ending a 20 yr marriage. Im glad your starting to think of your future-- and planning for it--very smart move!! Im sure it feels good to finally see a path for yourself you been dealing with this so long. It funny sometimes how things get revealed in life-- faster then we think --this insurance prob maybe provided you the little push you needed. Keep me updated--ok? Thanks Im glad for you.

Last night my husband, John, went to a brain injury, stroke survivor group on his own! I am glad he is starting to accept things. He will need some support systems and friends in the future. I am done arguing with him and try to help him. Today he forgot his billfold at home, left lights on, left empty bottles for water pickup on the porch even though it was last week. Good thing he only drives 4 miles to work. I will keep you posted. I am feeling good and happy today!!