Thank you Justice, my heart is breaking too and I am just a mess. I too had difficult time growing up with my mother. I was her target when things were going wrong and she is my trigger to bring me onto that emotional rollercoaster. I have tried hard my entire life time to keep things peaceful and know when to stay away but have also built a wall around me. My two allies have died within 6 months of one another, my aunt in December and now my father.

I have my daughter, my dog and kitten who have been wonderful. And the love and memory of my father.

Take care of yourself and I will keep you in my prayers.

I know it's really hard. My Mom is the same way, she is very cruel and can't stand me. So it's me,and my Puppy Nico together to love eachother and my Dad's memory to.
But, I'll keep you in my prayers to,we seem to have a these things in common, which are very tough to deal with alone. But I'll be here for you anytime.

i no how ur feelin i lost my dad a yr ago and im still findin it hard

Yeah,today's the worse day for those of us that have lost our Dad's,I know! Fathers Day is a hard day for me,as I'm sure it is for many others. This is the 2nd year without my Dad,and I'm just trying to keep my head above water (not literally)! But at least he is still with us in our hearts,and that will never change. So in a way he is with us each year,just not physically, but I know that big hug makes a difference,it always did for me. My Dad was kindof a big guy,and he used to give these big bear hugs,the only thing that drove me nuts was when he would rub his whiskers from not shaving on my cheek. But now that he's gone,I miss it. If we try to just think of all the good memories we had with our fathers on this day,it will almost feel like he's with us,because his spirit will be. And it will give us something to smile about, and good things to think about,instead of just being sad all day. I know it's hard,because that's just what I'm trying to do, and at times it gets difficult and I find tears rolling down my cheeks. But I'm trying to be strong for my Dad,because I know he's here. He spent Fathers Day with me every year I was in town.
I feel for all of you that have lost your fathers,especially recently,mine was October 3rd,2005 but it still feels like it was just the other day. But that's just because of how strong love is!

And how breaking such a bond can feel so terrifying,and can take awhile to get used to. But I'll never get over it,I know that,I love him too much! I was Daddy's little girl,and he was my best friend,and my Father!

We can use these good memories to help get through each day, not only this special day,but each and every day, because they are all difficult. Just give it a try, that's what I'm doing. And I'm still surviving.

Good post Justice

I think it's okay to leak a little (cry) on these special days, especially when the wounds are still fresh. For me, over the years it has given me less to cry about and more to be thankful for - having had such a wonderful father in my life.

When I was a little girl, I'd walk up to him when he was relaxing on the couch or in a chair. I'd freefall onto him, crashing into his chest, and he'd wrap his arms around me. He never minded this, regardless of how tired he was from work. I'd climb onto his lap and rest my head on his chest, listening to his heart beating. He'd wrap his arms around me and say "Let's enjoy it" - meaning the quiet time we had together at that moment.

As I got older, he didn't quite know what to do with me - and I had become an angry and rebellious teenager.

He'd wake me up before dawn on Saturdays and take me out to the woods. We'd watch the sunrise, take a long walk, then cook breakfast on a grill.* We did this year round, even during frigid winters.

Most times I really enjoyed being out there with him because there were no rules.* We could talk about anything, or nothing at all.* He'd sometimes tell me stories of his childhood that would pertain to something that was going on in my life, but he'd leave it at that.* He'd act like it was just a memory that popped up.* He'd allow me to make the correlation and how it would fit into my life.

He'd talk about how important I was to him, telling stories of how he kept sneaking into the delivery room when I was born.* He'd tell me stories of when I was a baby, and how the overwhelming love never goes away regardless of how old we get.

Other times he ticked me off, especially on really cold mornings when I wanted to sleep.* He'd push me to walk through deep snow.* When I complained about the cold, he'd laugh and talk about how great it is to be alive.

It gave me a lot of strength and courage to keep fighting my battles.* Our symbolic games when I was a child turned out to be true. From beginning to end, he was always there to catch me when I fell.

It's obvious you were also very important to your father. I'm sure he'd be glad to know you plan to keep on surviving.

May our fathers rest in peace.

Hi Justice,

I 've been meaning to reply to this but couldn't find the words. And I've been dealing with my own personal "er" days. Thank goodness they're all over for this year.

I feel the pain and sadness in your voice. You seemed liked you and your dad had a very "special" relationship. Yes Justice he's always with us in our thoughts, our minds and and our hearts for ever and ever.

Yesterday I went to my parent's graves even though I shouldn't have. And I really shouldn't have because they're not there. I walked around all day with a cross in my pocket, a poem a wrote to my dad which I'm keeping private and this which I received in an email. In some little way it brought me peace and I hope it does you too.


And this is exactly why I spend so much time in my garden. My mom, my dad and Mark's voices I can hear in my garden.

Dear Justice,
I felt compiled to write you, first i would like to say I'm sorry you lost a wonderful friend, father, loved one. Even throw I know my sorry will not bring him back, nor take your anger, or your pain away. You and I do have some things in command with each other. Like not accepting death. Like you i lost a loved one that was like a father to me. It OK to be angry, but it how, or what you do with that anger THAT COUNTS. I found it helped to write ever thought i had about my Uncle Dave down in a journal. Like you I could never do no wrongs,he was always there for me, he always expected me for who i am, and I was the apple of his eye; we even had the same b-days just many years apart.
I took time and went to his grave, and told him i was angry for him leaving me. But deep down i knew he was suffering from his cancer. When it got really bad as i held his hand i even prayed for him to go home, Because of seeing him in such pain, well he was just to good of a man to deserve such suffering he endured. So I PRAYED, and told him it was OK to let go, cause i loved him to much not to let him go. Which I later felt guilty for. when I went to his grave It was just his and mine time. i CRIED, i YELLED till i couldn't any longer.
It's been over 11 years now, I'm so glad i wrote that Journal, cause I'm able to look back and remember all the wonderful times we had.
But most of all I'm able to share them, the parts i want too at lest, with my kids that never really got to know him.
I also look at his passing as his new begins which he will be there when my time comes, and what joy, and giggles we have when we do. I could almost see him telling me, you silly gal all that crying over me, when i never left you at all with a slap to the shoulder. In his witty ways. I also know he loved me enough not to want me to give up nether,nor to stop living. I know your father loved you, and most defiantly wouldn't want you to let anger and grief spoil you, and your life. I do believe they can hear us up there in heaven. It OK to cry, never be ashamed to, it's prof that your human, and validates your love for him.
But most all what kept me going is knowing I had to live to keep him alive, cause he lives life threw me, and my story's about him, and in my Journal I will leave on earth when I'm long gone. By doing so Keeps him alive forever.
Allow your self time to grieve. Your taking the right steps, it help when you talk about him. Others and my self are good listener any time you need one, or a shoulder to cry on if needed. Oh and Pillows do come in handy for those day of anger. You in my thoughts,
Sincerely Roze

i dont know if this will help, it works for me sometimes.... sometimes i read it and laugh more times at the moment i cry but that helps as well.

You can shed tears that he is gone,
Or you can smile because he lived,
You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see him
Or you can be full of the love that you shared,
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember him and only that he is gone
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on,
You can cry and close your mind be empty and turn your
back,
Or you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes,
love and go on


its been 5 months since i lost my dad to an aortic aneurysm, or in other words someone pulling the rug from under you and hitting you over the the head. i left him the night before,with a hug thankfully and he was gone by 10.am the next day. doesnt matter how hard i try it still feels like yesterday..

tc steash.

Hi Justice

My father died 11 years ago on Fathers day. i hpoe my poem helps a little.

Can i make it through this day, will my heart, and mind hold out
will the tears subside today, and if need be can i shout.
Will i be able to carry you aloft, inside your wooden box?
Will time stand still, no 'tick no tock' upon the church yard clock.
Will my eulogy to you, describe your life, and fill the church with tears.
Will the congregation share my loss, their you friends, your colleagues, your peers.
The time has arrived to say goodbye, with a rose in hand and a tear in the eye.
I wish you peace and rest forever, my one true friend, the best forever.
Let the church bells ring, and hearld you leaving this earth.
May the angels above prepare for your death, and the beauty of re-birth.


Take care of you

hi i to am struggling with this loss. my dad died jan 24, 2007. i do not have any ideal how to deal with this. that is why i have came here. i to am searching for answers. i feel as if my entire world has ended. i am 40 years old, married, have a 15 year old son, a brother and sister, and my mom is living with me now. with this many people around me i can not figure out why i feel so alone. my dad died with copd. i watched for almost a month as he struggled to breathe. he became like a stranger near the end. withouot the right amount of oxygen he begin to be out in left field. i was there the night he passed on. it has been almost a year and each night i close my eyes i not only hear his last breath i also see it. mediciene does not help with the sleep issue.