My husbands mother died 2yrs ago.. in life she had a very strong emotional hold over him..since her death life with him has been very hard. He directs all his anger towards me.. everything that is wrong in his life is my fault. I love my husband with all my heart.. but inside i hurt so much. One minute he loves me the next it is like i am an evil monster.. I am not sure what to do anymore.. whatever i do is not good enough.

((((((Wendy)))))),

I'm sorry

It sounds like you're husband might have some unfinished business with his Mom. If she passed suddenly and unexpectedly, he might not have had a chance to talk to her and tell her everything that was in his heart.

Sometimes writing helps with that -- like a journal. Sometimes brief, focused therapy helps too. Rather than going to a therapist and just "throwing your guts on the floor", some people actually make a sort of 'contract' to only work on one specific issue over a brief period of time.

There's a lot of teenage boys and young men in this country (actually throughout the world) who are carrying a huge amount of rage inside them.

I think part of it is a chemical reaction to all the pollutants that we've put into the environment.

But, I think the biggest part of the anger is the feeling of being powerless.

My son and my ex-husband and my step-son all had that huge white-hot burning rage inside of them. My EX and my step-son had some problems because of the rage, but, basically they were able to live in spite of it. My son had a huge episode while he was driving and he ended up in prison because of his rage.

You know, Wendy, two years is not enough time for someone to heal from losing his Mother -- especially if he wasn't ready to let her go. It took me over 13 years to recover from my brother's suicide. Because we never talked about it. I had no support at all. And I had to handle all the legal stuff at a very young, immature age.

Wendy, even if your husband is in a bad place (mentally) right now, he has no right to treat you with anger and disrespect.

You guys need to sit down together and REALLY TALK about what's going on for the two of you. It's understandable that he's still going to be hurting from losing his Mother -- that's one of the hardest things to recover from. It sounds like, though, that he's also got anger management problems that need to be dealt with.

Anger is such a bad, negative emotion because it blocks everything else. If you only allow anger into your heart and into your soul, the feelings of support and love that are coming from the people around you will never get through.

If I were you, which I'm not, and I wanted to stay with this man, I would REALLY TALK with him and set some ground rules. While he's having a tough time now, you're willing to support him and help him get his balance back. But, the anger and the rage and the disrespect are not anywhere in that equation. If you're hurting and in pain, striking out in anger at those you love and who love you will NEVER get loving feelings coming back to you.

I've collected some bookmarks that you might to share with your husband:
Anger Management
(press the [page-down] key 4 times.)

You know, Wendy, we teach our kids in school how to balance a checkbook and how to write stories and how to spell; but, we never teach them what to do when they get really angry. Some of the bookmarks, above, are child-focused. That's one of things that makes them so easy to learn. Think about it, when you're having a hard time learning something (say 'controlling your anger'), I believe it's much easier to learn a 'simpler' method that will get you results faster than to go through a whole complicated process that's going to take way too long to learn.

I ran across a writer years and years ago -- David K. Reynolds. He's studied and taught for years the Oriental ways of living in harmony.

Did you ever hear about the red-ball exercise??

Here's a picture of a red ball -- imagine what happens to that ball with HERDS of dogs jumping on it -- it goes under and pops back up again

Click on the Picture:
Playing Ball on Running Water:
by David Reynolds
(go to your local library and try to get any book written by David Reynolds)

I saw a man once kayaking down the white water rapids near where I used to live. He went over a small waterfall and tipped over. I freaked out But, he just righted the kayak, flipped the water out of the bottom of the kayak and went on his way. That's the whole principle behind David K. Reynolds' teachings. If you just allow the feelings and events to flow -- without trying to control everything (who can really control a river??), you'll feel much more peace in your heart and in your soul and much more in harmony with the way that The Universe wants you to live your life. Another good way to actually SEE how this works is to just throw a balloon or a rubber ball in the bathtub while the tub is filling with water. The ball or the balloon does not fight the water, it just goes with the flow. It might dip under for a second or two, but it ends up right back on top -- WITHOUT FIGHTING.

Share this exercise with your husband and see if he understands that you have more CONTROL when you get rid of the anger and allow your true feelings to emerge. Out-of-control rage and anger demonstrate a total lack of control.

I hope you guys work this out. Hugs.

Barb