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Grief over being abused

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Old 07-28-2015, 11:55 PM   #11
Mark56
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Default Words Shared As A Balm For The Soul

Almondface, I find peace in knowing you are sharing here in this safe place.

The tortured path wound through the hillocks of my life bears similarity
To deep hurts shared here on your pages
Numerous counsellors have aided me through time
All well intentioned
Most decent
Some not so good
Fewer still excellent
Right now I am blessed to be working with one who is excellent

She is guiding me through EMDR
For the sake of endeavoring to help me through trauma
Not the trauma of the car wreck which injured my body
But the trauma of rearing which injured my spirit

I am blessed to know distinction between that spirit and my soul
As it was soulfood which buoyed me through trauma of
Childhood
Adolescence
Teen years
Then adulthood when I buried myself so deeply, I might never have emerged
So
Those earlier years I am convinced faith helped me not sink into the abyss

Now, with EMDR we are taking lifelong "battlefield" traumas of growing
Askew from self
And
Attempting to defuse them
Working with my therapist to resolve them
To release myself

frankly, it was fear of rejection which held me buried
Without sharing with close friends
Yeah, I have heard the words and read the retorts
"You are older now...why don't you just let go of it?"
"That can't be..."
"You parents had best intentions"
And on and on....
Absent professional therapy, the buried me festered.
Hurt did not go away with passage of time.

Here you are embraced for you
Wisdom has gushed forth from others
As for me...I am continuing therapy
My family likes the results
So do I
Those who hurt me???? Well, they disowned me anyway,
So,
It is one of those propositions
Of forgiving....in time...without confrontation or restoration,
In the stillness and peacefulness of time where
With therapy some of my hurts are fading

Glad for it am I...and I pray all will be well with you.
M56
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Old 07-29-2015, 12:00 AM   #12
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Sending a special hug to a special Mark.
Made me cry.
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Old 08-10-2015, 01:10 AM   #13
almondface
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Thank you Mark for your sharing.

Unfortunately, i find my moods fluctuating. On days that i am okay, i am functional and able to cope. On today that i feel in a low mood and drained, i am back here, happy to read about your optimistic post. However, i am also struggling to pull myself up.

Accepting that the pain takes time to heal. I am still trying to get by as the days pass, hoping that each day would bring me some positive happiness for me to store in my "positive memories box". Sometimes, i find myself counting down, countdown to the day that i can have happiness and recharge myself by being alone, just hope that i do not have to put up a "false front of happiness" to act as if i am happy. And hope that one day, i can genuinely finding peace and freedom from the pain. For now, trying my best to get by each day as it passes.
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Old 08-12-2015, 10:03 PM   #14
Mark56
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Default Even....

As I struggled and, at times....did not want to, it was something, but I could look to the sky and find simple beauty in those painted hues of a sunset. There. In that moment, however fleeting, a captured glimpse of something so awesome I could smile.....to myself. Wow. Much therapy had to bring this through to betterment.

Cool thing too, is that we care for you. It is a looking forward thing.

Right now.....I am caring for you.....hoping all will be well. I've been there. I have hope.

And

Lots of M56
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Old 09-17-2015, 03:45 PM   #15
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i am so sorry almond for all the pain you've been through. and i am so sorry mark for all the pain you've been through too. i hope that time will heal your wounds and that you can find peace and comfort in your lives again. sending warm hugs and caring thoughts your way.
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TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
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Old 09-12-2017, 03:40 AM   #16
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Hi everyone,

I am back here again. Hope that everyone is well.

Thank you and appreciate the support in this group.
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Old 09-12-2017, 04:14 PM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by almondface View Post
Hi everyone,

I am back here again. Hope that everyone is well.

Thank you and appreciate the support in this group.
So very good to see you! I hope things are going well for you
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Old 09-12-2017, 09:11 PM   #18
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Hi Almond, you're story mirrors mine in so many ways, only my sister & brother were the golden ones. My brother left at 15 to join the airforce as an apprentice, so he escaped, my sister went onto study nursing and was able to leave at 17 moving into junior student nurse accommodation next to the hospital. I was 10, left behind to endure the meanness that amplified after the departure of the favoured. Ironically, while they acknowledge they were favoured they too bare scars from her often cruel and callous treatment. What we all know and remember vividly is once she made us cry, she became nice. If we were sick, she was tolerating. At 6 I had a heart arrest, my 12yr old sister sat by my bedside daily until 8pm end visiting hours, I really can't recall mum being there, but I know she had to have been. Dad bought me a bike on discharge.

I've recently had the epiphany moment, I don't need an apology from her, it will make no difference to me, I've stopped trying to make her "like" me. I remain her child even as an adult and somehow, I don't know how or when it happened, but I forgive her. I love her and always will. I don't want my last years with her to be filled with grief and arguments anymore and so I see her much less. I take her to medical appointments and do all the things to keep her life running smoothly, hearing aids, clean filters on appliances etc. My sister, well she takes her for weekly hairdresser appointments and has hers done as well courtesy of mum, then lunch courtesy of mum and then an extra 40-$50 for petrol. She is 62 & still getting handouts from her mum. I can laugh at that and it no longer bothers me. It's her money, she pays for the company of her eldest child.

But last week I had a horrid dream, I woke from it sobbing, it's why I woke. Mum died, it was sheer agony, it tore my soul, I saw her that day, burst into tears and hugged her, told her what happened in the dream, she hugged me harder & had a little cry herself, then made us a cuppa.

I still have no answers, I think many of us were traumatised by the keeping up with the Jones concept and if we didn't meet the "vision" woe betide what happened. I didn't meet....
I'm wondering how you are faring now 2 years down the track following your first post. Do you see much of your mother?

Quote:
Originally Posted by almondface View Post
Hi everyone,

I am back here again. Hope that everyone is well.

Thank you and appreciate the support in this group.
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I can still remember what life was like before pain became my life long companion

Last edited by PamelaJune; 09-12-2017 at 09:28 PM.
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Old 09-14-2017, 08:38 PM   #19
almondface
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PamelaJune View Post
Hi Almond, you're story mirrors mine in so many ways, only my sister & brother were the golden ones. My brother left at 15 to join the airforce as an apprentice, so he escaped, my sister went onto study nursing and was able to leave at 17 moving into junior student nurse accommodation next to the hospital. I was 10, left behind to endure the meanness that amplified after the departure of the favoured. Ironically, while they acknowledge they were favoured they too bare scars from her often cruel and callous treatment. What we all know and remember vividly is once she made us cry, she became nice. If we were sick, she was tolerating. At 6 I had a heart arrest, my 12yr old sister sat by my bedside daily until 8pm end visiting hours, I really can't recall mum being there, but I know she had to have been. Dad bought me a bike on discharge.

I've recently had the epiphany moment, I don't need an apology from her, it will make no difference to me, I've stopped trying to make her "like" me. I remain her child even as an adult and somehow, I don't know how or when it happened, but I forgive her. I love her and always will. I don't want my last years with her to be filled with grief and arguments anymore and so I see her much less. I take her to medical appointments and do all the things to keep her life running smoothly, hearing aids, clean filters on appliances etc. My sister, well she takes her for weekly hairdresser appointments and has hers done as well courtesy of mum, then lunch courtesy of mum and then an extra 40-$50 for petrol. She is 62 & still getting handouts from her mum. I can laugh at that and it no longer bothers me. It's her money, she pays for the company of her eldest child.

But last week I had a horrid dream, I woke from it sobbing, it's why I woke. Mum died, it was sheer agony, it tore my soul, I saw her that day, burst into tears and hugged her, told her what happened in the dream, she hugged me harder & had a little cry herself, then made us a cuppa.

I still have no answers, I think many of us were traumatised by the keeping up with the Jones concept and if we didn't meet the "vision" woe betide what happened. I didn't meet....
I'm wondering how you are faring now 2 years down the track following your first post. Do you see much of your mother?

Hi PamelaJune,
Thank you for your sharing.
Yes, I think that our stories are similar in some ways...

About my mum whom I have strained relationships with, I don't think we ever got to resolve it during a face-to-face meeting. She has recently passed away due to illness actually. It has been a difficult time, so I am back here.

It has been a journey of recovery , ups and downs. My mum who passed away, never gave me a apology before she passed on. In fact, my grief now is not so much about losing a mother, but more of losing a parent who never gave me the due acknowledgement of the abuse and grief over a parent who didnt protect me when abuse happened.

There have been positive moments though. After she died, I had some thoughts of putting behind the pain and move on to my new life, allowing my mum to die along with the fact that she just didn't know how to doing parenting well. It was like a rebirth, like maybe if she couldn't parent well, then I will be the loving mother for myself. Still working on this now.

Continue with the replies, I am in need of positive encouragement and support now. Judgements from people, I am tuning it out. =)
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Old 09-17-2017, 04:45 AM   #20
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None of us should live our lives judged by others, each and every one of us on NT has suffered pain, angst, grief & trauma. I am sorry your mum passed away without you getting the apology. I can understand how much those words would have meant. I will never get one from my mother either. It would mean admitting she was wrong not to have done more.

I think your plan to mother yourself is a good one, be kind to yourself and tune out negative or toxic people. You have lived through much in your life by the sound of it and it is important to try to forgive yourself first. I say this, because we often think why did I do this or that, why didn't I do this or that. There is little to be gained from looking back and second guessing yourself. So be kind and gentle and know here on NT you can say what you want without judgement from me. I hope others will join with me in adding to that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by almondface View Post
Hi PamelaJune,
Thank you for your sharing.
Yes, I think that our stories are similar in some ways...

About my mum whom I have strained relationships with, I don't think we ever got to resolve it during a face-to-face meeting. She has recently passed away due to illness actually. It has been a difficult time, so I am back here.

It has been a journey of recovery , ups and downs. My mum who passed away, never gave me a apology before she passed on. In fact, my grief now is not so much about losing a mother, but more of losing a parent who never gave me the due acknowledgement of the abuse and grief over a parent who didnt protect me when abuse happened.

There have been positive moments though. After she died, I had some thoughts of putting behind the pain and move on to my new life, allowing my mum to die along with the fact that she just didn't know how to doing parenting well. It was like a rebirth, like maybe if she couldn't parent well, then I will be the loving mother for myself. Still working on this now.

Continue with the replies, I am in need of positive encouragement and support now. Judgements from people, I am tuning it out. =)
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