Hi almondface,

I think I can relate very much to the dynamics of your family situation. I understand that intense emotional grasp that can keep you wishing and hoping for just some sort of a recognition of someones wrong doing. Have you asked yourself why you really need that? Do you think their apology would really be sincere, would their behavior improve, could it erase all the years of waiting and yearning for their admittance? What area of your life would it really improve to hear your mother say, I'm sorry?

I've been involved in various forms of self reflection therapy for many years and amongst other positive things, it has helped me to not become my mother ~:-). However, it wasn't until a couple of years ago that I had an amazing epiphany in which I realized that an apology from my mother would not really mean as much as I imagined it would. Simply because she does not feel that she did or does anything wrong or harmful to me and my sister and we are just suppose to be accepting of her abuse. Therefore her apology would basically mean nothing. This profound understanding initially made me very sad and I felt an intense sense of loss and grief. But I also felt a sense of freedom which told me that by letting go of the expectation and anticipation of an apology from her, I was releasing that emotional grasp that I allowed her to have on me. It positively changed my life, my perspective on life, my perspective on what other people think of my choices and allowed me to put up healthy boundaries with her with no further expectations from her.

I recently read something eerily familiar to me written by Dr Daniel Amen, a well known author, psychiatrist and brain disorder specialist. He said.. 'Violent homes have the same affect on children's brains as combat does on soldiers'. I can attest that this is so very true. Can you?

There are lots of books on dysfunctional family life and most of them contain some form of addiction issues or a piece of the 12 step recovery program for alcoholics. I found that you do not have to be an addict or an alcoholic to identify with the meaning behind the 12 step program and one book that I would highly recommend is called 'The Good Stuff' From Growing Up in a Dysfunctional Family, How to Survive and then Thrive, by Karen Casey. This book gently teaches the reader how forgiveness is a special gift that we give to ourselves and to others. Because forgiveness allows us to have freedom from the emotional prison that we had constructed.

No one can remove the memories of the pain you have endured. But it really is possible to learn to live with those memories without them hurting anymore. I only know because I did it and I know you can to.

Take good care of yourself... love yourself because you are worth it ~'.'~

Dear Bryanna,

Thank you for your sharing.

Regarding Dr Amen's book, yes it is similar, which i am pondering that it might be because combat soldiers may have experienced similarities of PTSD.

Whereas in my case, i m surprised that what started as the recovery of abuse from a dysfunctional family has progressed itself into forgiveness and grief issues. Not the usual type of loss where someone pass away, but rather, grief because of something that was lacking - in my case, lack of nurturing family.

Thus far, it has been a difficult journey to rebuild myself. Trying very hard yet struggling with pains and occasional breakdowns (devastating crying where you just fall asleep from the loss of energy from crying)

Yes, maybe, i would check out to read those recommended books. thank you for sharing your experience.

Hi almondface,

I totally understand the devastation and grief that you are talking about. What I hadn't realized until I read Karen Casey's book was just how common those feelings are amongst people who have endured abusive non nurturing upbringings. Just knowing that others felt the same way as I did made me feel justified in my feelings and really helped me to better understand the importance of forgiveness.

I know it seems impossible to get past this but I assure you, it can be done. Continue to seek help and I hope you will consider reading her book.

Take good care of yourself.......

I have just shared 10% of the details regarding my struggle with some friends and they gave me very unencouraging advice that makes me frustrated.

This was what they said:
Just forget abt the past, it was so long ago
You shld be more forgiving of your mother, you shld try to understand her
Why are you still stuck with this same problem for so long?
You are stubborn

I guess,sometimes people just don't understand and give very victim blaming replies that hurts me. To them, i shld just reply ' yes i enjoy being in misery and hold onto the past because i enjoy crying, i enjoy being in depression and being down' . Its as if that i am crazy enough to deprive myself of happiness. The lack of encouragement from my circle of friends is just not helping and makes me frustrated. Sigh.... Life is tiring. Thats why i chose to retreat away from social gatherings now

Hi almondface,

In my opinion your friends are totally WRONG. I grew up in climate of lovelessness and fear, it takes a lot to overcome the lack of a safe, loving, caring childhood. Therapy is likely to be involved in all but a few cases - if you trust Counsellors/Psychologists.

Above all else, it is down to you whether you can forgive, but I sincerely hope you can recover from the damage and be relieved from the Depression. Whatever anyone tells you, the two things are mutually exclusive, you CAN heal without forgiving.

Try not to avoid social gatherings with friends, this can lead to a pattern of avoidance which leads to other serious issues. Just try to relax and steer the conversations yourself.

Dave.

Almondface, I find peace in knowing you are sharing here in this safe place.

The tortured path wound through the hillocks of my life bears similarity
To deep hurts shared here on your pages
Numerous counsellors have aided me through time
All well intentioned
Most decent
Some not so good
Fewer still excellent
Right now I am blessed to be working with one who is excellent

She is guiding me through EMDR
For the sake of endeavoring to help me through trauma
Not the trauma of the car wreck which injured my body
But the trauma of rearing which injured my spirit

I am blessed to know distinction between that spirit and my soul
As it was soulfood which buoyed me through trauma of
Childhood
Adolescence
Teen years
Then adulthood when I buried myself so deeply, I might never have emerged
So
Those earlier years I am convinced faith helped me not sink into the abyss

Now, with EMDR we are taking lifelong "battlefield" traumas of growing
Askew from self
And
Attempting to defuse them
Working with my therapist to resolve them
To release myself

frankly, it was fear of rejection which held me buried
Without sharing with close friends
Yeah, I have heard the words and read the retorts
"You are older now...why don't you just let go of it?"
"That can't be..."
"You parents had best intentions"
And on and on....
Absent professional therapy, the buried me festered.
Hurt did not go away with passage of time.

Here you are embraced for you
Wisdom has gushed forth from others
As for me...I am continuing therapy
My family likes the results
So do I
Those who hurt me???? Well, they disowned me anyway,
So,
It is one of those propositions
Of forgiving....in time...without confrontation or restoration,
In the stillness and peacefulness of time where
With therapy some of my hurts are fading

Glad for it am I...and I pray all will be well with you.
M56

Sending a special hug to a special Mark.
Made me cry.

Hi everyone,

I am back here again. Hope that everyone is well.

Thank you and appreciate the support in this group.

So very good to see you! I hope things are going well for you

Hi Almond, you're story mirrors mine in so many ways, only my sister & brother were the golden ones. My brother left at 15 to join the airforce as an apprentice, so he escaped, my sister went onto study nursing and was able to leave at 17 moving into junior student nurse accommodation next to the hospital. I was 10, left behind to endure the meanness that amplified after the departure of the favoured. Ironically, while they acknowledge they were favoured they too bare scars from her often cruel and callous treatment. What we all know and remember vividly is once she made us cry, she became nice. If we were sick, she was tolerating. At 6 I had a heart arrest, my 12yr old sister sat by my bedside daily until 8pm end visiting hours, I really can't recall mum being there, but I know she had to have been. Dad bought me a bike on discharge.

I've recently had the epiphany moment, I don't need an apology from her, it will make no difference to me, I've stopped trying to make her "like" me. I remain her child even as an adult and somehow, I don't know how or when it happened, but I forgive her. I love her and always will. I don't want my last years with her to be filled with grief and arguments anymore and so I see her much less. I take her to medical appointments and do all the things to keep her life running smoothly, hearing aids, clean filters on appliances etc. My sister, well she takes her for weekly hairdresser appointments and has hers done as well courtesy of mum, then lunch courtesy of mum and then an extra 40-$50 for petrol. She is 62 & still getting handouts from her mum. I can laugh at that and it no longer bothers me. It's her money, she pays for the company of her eldest child.

But last week I had a horrid dream, I woke from it sobbing, it's why I woke. Mum died, it was sheer agony, it tore my soul, I saw her that day, burst into tears and hugged her, told her what happened in the dream, she hugged me harder & had a little cry herself, then made us a cuppa.

I still have no answers, I think many of us were traumatised by the keeping up with the Jones concept and if we didn't meet the "vision" woe betide what happened. I didn't meet....
I'm wondering how you are faring now 2 years down the track following your first post. Do you see much of your mother?