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Old 06-08-2015, 09:57 PM #1
almondface almondface is offline
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Trig Grief over being abused

Hi everyone,

somehow i am back to this forum again. i just had a session with my counsellor and i had some thoughts which i thought of sharing.

Some background information abt myself: i was abused as a child when i was young, by family members. growing up in a dysfunctional family certainly hasnt been easy, as my elder sis was a low self-esteem girl who ran away from home, and brother who has history of joining street gangs and violent tendencies even until today. father had negligent parenting style whereas mother was unstable and always venting out her emotional outbursts on us children.

Now that my mother is aging and in her last few years, degenerating health which might leave her another few more years to live..., the topic of grief surfaces.

Grief in the sense that -
i may never have the chance to hear her apologize for these hurts.
my feelings may not get recognized by my estranged family
family did does not realise my hurting self
grief over the loss of a "complete" family that never happened
grief over the loss of a innocent childhood

somehow, it seems, the pain of child abuse, has transformed itself into coming to terms with grief, whereby today, i have to put in lots of effort to heal my emotional self and building a stronger self for one who never had a happy childhood =(
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Old 06-09-2015, 01:45 AM #2
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Welcome back
As difficult as it is right now, being numb and blocking out these feelings would be far worse for your wellbeing in the long run. It's good you have your counsellor but I imagine that it must be hard for you after a session when all the thoughts and feelings of the past are at the surface.

I don't want to appear insensitive as I haven't walked in your shoes, but remember that none of what happened to you was your fault. The fault still lies in the denial and silence of others even now that you're an adult.

You're amazing and strong and deserving of a peaceful and happy life.

Take care there.
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Old 06-13-2015, 09:04 PM #3
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Hello Almondface ... I know what you are saying and how much it hurts. I'm so glad you are seeing a counselor.
I hope you soon come back here and let us know how things are going.
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Old 06-15-2015, 06:23 PM #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by almondface View Post
Hi everyone,

somehow i am back to this forum again. i just had a session with my counsellor and i had some thoughts which i thought of sharing.

Some background information abt myself: i was abused as a child when i was young, by family members. growing up in a dysfunctional family certainly hasnt been easy, as my elder sis was a low self-esteem girl who ran away from home, and brother who has history of joining street gangs and violent tendencies even until today. father had negligent parenting style whereas mother was unstable and always venting out her emotional outbursts on us children.

Now that my mother is aging and in her last few years, degenerating health which might leave her another few more years to live..., the topic of grief surfaces.

Grief in the sense that -
i may never have the chance to hear her apologize for these hurts.
my feelings may not get recognized by my estranged family
family did does not realise my hurting self
grief over the loss of a "complete" family that never happened
grief over the loss of a innocent childhood

somehow, it seems, the pain of child abuse, has transformed itself into coming to terms with grief, whereby today, i have to put in lots of effort to heal my emotional self and building a stronger self for one who never had a happy childhood =(
i am so sorry for the hurt
expectations something
we were babies
it is not something we ever imagined
please find your happiness
heal yourself from the inside
i'm so sorry
me
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Old 06-17-2015, 05:57 AM #5
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Default Thank you

Thank you everyone for your kind words.

Yes indeed, the day that i had the counselling session, i was so drained after it ended as i have cried buckets at the session. its always the case whereby i am only allowed to cry during counselling. the moment after i leave the room, i m supposed to put up a strong front to face the world and a smiling face, which is painful and tiring.

Hence, hoping that i can find some solace here.
=(
Sigh..
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Old 06-17-2015, 03:59 PM #6
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Hi almondface,

I think I can relate very much to the dynamics of your family situation. I understand that intense emotional grasp that can keep you wishing and hoping for just some sort of a recognition of someones wrong doing. Have you asked yourself why you really need that? Do you think their apology would really be sincere, would their behavior improve, could it erase all the years of waiting and yearning for their admittance? What area of your life would it really improve to hear your mother say, I'm sorry?

I've been involved in various forms of self reflection therapy for many years and amongst other positive things, it has helped me to not become my mother ~:-). However, it wasn't until a couple of years ago that I had an amazing epiphany in which I realized that an apology from my mother would not really mean as much as I imagined it would. Simply because she does not feel that she did or does anything wrong or harmful to me and my sister and we are just suppose to be accepting of her abuse. Therefore her apology would basically mean nothing. This profound understanding initially made me very sad and I felt an intense sense of loss and grief. But I also felt a sense of freedom which told me that by letting go of the expectation and anticipation of an apology from her, I was releasing that emotional grasp that I allowed her to have on me. It positively changed my life, my perspective on life, my perspective on what other people think of my choices and allowed me to put up healthy boundaries with her with no further expectations from her.

I recently read something eerily familiar to me written by Dr Daniel Amen, a well known author, psychiatrist and brain disorder specialist. He said.. 'Violent homes have the same affect on children's brains as combat does on soldiers'. I can attest that this is so very true. Can you?

There are lots of books on dysfunctional family life and most of them contain some form of addiction issues or a piece of the 12 step recovery program for alcoholics. I found that you do not have to be an addict or an alcoholic to identify with the meaning behind the 12 step program and one book that I would highly recommend is called 'The Good Stuff' From Growing Up in a Dysfunctional Family, How to Survive and then Thrive, by Karen Casey. This book gently teaches the reader how forgiveness is a special gift that we give to ourselves and to others. Because forgiveness allows us to have freedom from the emotional prison that we had constructed.

No one can remove the memories of the pain you have endured. But it really is possible to learn to live with those memories without them hurting anymore. I only know because I did it and I know you can to.

Take good care of yourself... love yourself because you are worth it ~'.'~
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***I have been in the dental profession for 4 decades. I am an educator and Certified Dental Assistant extensively experienced in chair side assisting and dental radiography. The information that I provide here is my opinion based on my education and professional experience. It is not meant to be taken as medical advice.***
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Old 06-17-2015, 08:45 PM #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bryanna View Post
Hi almondface,

I think I can relate very much to the dynamics of your family situation. I understand that intense emotional grasp that can keep you wishing and hoping for just some sort of a recognition of someones wrong doing. Have you asked yourself why you really need that? Do you think their apology would really be sincere, would their behavior improve, could it erase all the years of waiting and yearning for their admittance? What area of your life would it really improve to hear your mother say, I'm sorry?

I've been involved in various forms of self reflection therapy for many years and amongst other positive things, it has helped me to not become my mother ~:-). However, it wasn't until a couple of years ago that I had an amazing epiphany in which I realized that an apology from my mother would not really mean as much as I imagined it would. Simply because she does not feel that she did or does anything wrong or harmful to me and my sister and we are just suppose to be accepting of her abuse. Therefore her apology would basically mean nothing. This profound understanding initially made me very sad and I felt an intense sense of loss and grief. But I also felt a sense of freedom which told me that by letting go of the expectation and anticipation of an apology from her, I was releasing that emotional grasp that I allowed her to have on me. It positively changed my life, my perspective on life, my perspective on what other people think of my choices and allowed me to put up healthy boundaries with her with no further expectations from her.

I recently read something eerily familiar to me written by Dr Daniel Amen, a well known author, psychiatrist and brain disorder specialist. He said.. 'Violent homes have the same affect on children's brains as combat does on soldiers'. I can attest that this is so very true. Can you?

There are lots of books on dysfunctional family life and most of them contain some form of addiction issues or a piece of the 12 step recovery program for alcoholics. I found that you do not have to be an addict or an alcoholic to identify with the meaning behind the 12 step program and one book that I would highly recommend is called 'The Good Stuff' From Growing Up in a Dysfunctional Family, How to Survive and then Thrive, by Karen Casey. This book gently teaches the reader how forgiveness is a special gift that we give to ourselves and to others. Because forgiveness allows us to have freedom from the emotional prison that we had constructed.

No one can remove the memories of the pain you have endured. But it really is possible to learn to live with those memories without them hurting anymore. I only know because I did it and I know you can to.

Take good care of yourself... love yourself because you are worth it ~'.'~
Dear Bryanna,

Thank you for your sharing.

Regarding Dr Amen's book, yes it is similar, which i am pondering that it might be because combat soldiers may have experienced similarities of PTSD.

Whereas in my case, i m surprised that what started as the recovery of abuse from a dysfunctional family has progressed itself into forgiveness and grief issues. Not the usual type of loss where someone pass away, but rather, grief because of something that was lacking - in my case, lack of nurturing family.

Thus far, it has been a difficult journey to rebuild myself. Trying very hard yet struggling with pains and occasional breakdowns (devastating crying where you just fall asleep from the loss of energy from crying)

Yes, maybe, i would check out to read those recommended books. thank you for sharing your experience.
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Old 06-17-2015, 11:55 PM #8
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Hi almondface,

I totally understand the devastation and grief that you are talking about. What I hadn't realized until I read Karen Casey's book was just how common those feelings are amongst people who have endured abusive non nurturing upbringings. Just knowing that others felt the same way as I did made me feel justified in my feelings and really helped me to better understand the importance of forgiveness.

I know it seems impossible to get past this but I assure you, it can be done. Continue to seek help and I hope you will consider reading her book.

Take good care of yourself.......
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***I have been in the dental profession for 4 decades. I am an educator and Certified Dental Assistant extensively experienced in chair side assisting and dental radiography. The information that I provide here is my opinion based on my education and professional experience. It is not meant to be taken as medical advice.***
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Old 06-19-2015, 08:34 PM #9
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Default Frustrated

I have just shared 10% of the details regarding my struggle with some friends and they gave me very unencouraging advice that makes me frustrated.

This was what they said:
Just forget abt the past, it was so long ago
You shld be more forgiving of your mother, you shld try to understand her
Why are you still stuck with this same problem for so long?
You are stubborn

I guess,sometimes people just don't understand and give very victim blaming replies that hurts me. To them, i shld just reply ' yes i enjoy being in misery and hold onto the past because i enjoy crying, i enjoy being in depression and being down' . Its as if that i am crazy enough to deprive myself of happiness. The lack of encouragement from my circle of friends is just not helping and makes me frustrated. Sigh.... Life is tiring. Thats why i chose to retreat away from social gatherings now
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Old 06-20-2015, 12:03 PM #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by almondface View Post
I have just shared 10% of the details regarding my struggle with some friends and they gave me very unencouraging advice that makes me frustrated.

This was what they said:
Just forget abt the past, it was so long ago
You shld be more forgiving of your mother, you shld try to understand her
Why are you still stuck with this same problem for so long?
You are stubborn

I guess,sometimes people just don't understand and give very victim blaming replies that hurts me. To them, i shld just reply ' yes i enjoy being in misery and hold onto the past because i enjoy crying, i enjoy being in depression and being down' . Its as if that i am crazy enough to deprive myself of happiness. The lack of encouragement from my circle of friends is just not helping and makes me frustrated. Sigh.... Life is tiring. Thats why i chose to retreat away from social gatherings now
Hi almondface,

In my opinion your friends are totally WRONG. I grew up in climate of lovelessness and fear, it takes a lot to overcome the lack of a safe, loving, caring childhood. Therapy is likely to be involved in all but a few cases - if you trust Counsellors/Psychologists.

Above all else, it is down to you whether you can forgive, but I sincerely hope you can recover from the damage and be relieved from the Depression. Whatever anyone tells you, the two things are mutually exclusive, you CAN heal without forgiving.

Try not to avoid social gatherings with friends, this can lead to a pattern of avoidance which leads to other serious issues. Just try to relax and steer the conversations yourself.

Dave.
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To the shapes we now possess.

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