dear friend

oh how you have tapped into my pain
oh how sad i am
failing to keep this family together
scattered they are all
all living their own life
and i don't know how to let go
of them
as abandonment ripple through
this life
not one in a good way
i have come to learn my eldest
is finally moving out of in-laws house
after two years
my son in no contact for years
calls just to hear my voice
when in a bad way
haven't heard from him since then
about a month
this is not about me needing my children to
complete me having to see them all the time
or even call everyday
but to have nothing from them
is so much like a suicide
while alive
should that make
sense to anyone
my depression has now taken on a physical level
lately i have noticed
before my eyes even open
as i stir to awake
i have a knot in my gut
of doom
despair
sadness that hurts
and i would think
this is temporary
but it is draining me
swallowing me up
i failed miserably
and then again
my children only see disconnect
in my relationship that does
NOT exist with a woman who gave birth
to three girls
i the oldest
the dynamics abnormal
and my mother turned the other way
how much more suffering will i endure
from my precious family
this is a death
it feels just like one
my family disconnected
and all i want is for them
is to be happy
love what they are doing
live life
me

Hi Eva,

Thank you for writing.

It's a very challenging adjustment when family is "MIA" and/or absent for prolonged periods of time and for any reason.

I feel it's especially difficult for a loving mother, such as yourself.

How does one "let go?"
Eva, you are holding onto hope and for good reason!

In the case of the plane crash, there were no phone calls coming now and then, there was no news of these particular loved ones beyond the day they'd perished. There was tangible evidence they'd perished. Eventually, since there was no word from these four family members, I had to let go. Yet, it took a long time, as I had many dreams in which they would appear and explain how they had survived. I was so happy to see them...and then would awaken to the reality that they were gone. I'd also think I'd see them on the street, in crowds, now and then. My mind kept playing tricks on me for a few years, as I could not fully "let go."

The immense sadness and grief went on for years and tore some of the extended family apart... and that has not yet been healed.
Yet, I continue to reach out and continue to be open to a shift toward healing for those so torn apart. I keep my heart open for a larger reunion should estranged family members want to reunite.

My heart feels deep sadness as you describe your sense of abandonment or aloneness feeling like a "suicide while being alive." I do understand your words and feelings, at least in part. I have felt exactly the same way at times, Eva.

We all need acknowledgement and a sense of belonging within a group and we all hope our families can, and will, provide this. The truth is, many families cannot provide this for various reasons.

Eva, for many years of my life, I had to find "family" in friends. My friends were my family on holidays, when needing support, etc. I hope you have some trusted friends as well.

I understand the feeling of deep depression upon awakening as well. I, too, have felt this at times and for prolonged periods of deep grief. During the most challenging times, it's been very hard to meet another day.

Your children are alive and you hold onto hope... and for good reason!

I still miss those MIA, either because they have perished or because they are still traumatized and withdrawn and won't talk with others. I miss them very much.

I am very lucky to have some good friends and to share a home with other adults. The companionship helps me to keep going, to keep trying to do my best, in spite of the deep pain of many losses.

Eva, I am very touched you've written and have shared with me.
You have an amazingly beautiful soul that shines, despite the deep pain you experience daily.

((((( Gentle Hugs to You, Eva )))))

Thank you for gifting me by sharing with me.

You and yours are in my prayers, Eva.

With Admiration, Gratitude and Lots of Heart,
DejaVu

DejaVu,
I am so sorry for your tragedy. My heart goes out to you and your family. May you always be surrounded by good friends to help you as you continue to heal.
Cheryl

Hi Cheryl,

Thank you for writing.

My husband has been my best friend for over 20 years now. He is very kind, compassionate and supportive. We share many good friends and family.

We all understand loss. Cheryl, you and I have also lost brothers.
I am grateful for the sentiments you've expressed, Cheryl.

Sometimes, the love and support of "the village" helps in healing.

With Gratitude,
DejaVu