I hope that some of what I share and feel will cause people to hold and hug their families a little tighter and to say those words everyone needs to hear "I Love YOU' !

Thank you Littlepaw for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers.

Debi from Georgia

Thank you for sharing your journey with us. You have been very open with the good and the not so good days. Your family has been right there with you.
Your updates of your mother, Luke, Christina, their families have made me feel part of Bubba's past and the present.

Honored to be part of your NT family.

Love & Prayers for you and Family.


Gerry

You made me cry but good tears not bad.

I can't even begin to tell you what this has done for me having all of you support me during this time. I don't have the sufficient words to say how much this all means to me except: Priceless

Yep...you are all priceless to me. So give yourselves a big hug from me tonight and whoever else is in your house and not asleep...lol

Just about every night when we would lay down my husband would say "goodnite crazy old woman. I love you" and I would say right back to him "goodnite crazy old man. I love you too". Just simple words but have so much meaning to me now.

Luke is busy busting all the bad drug guys and Christina is shipping carpet all over the world (she's an Int'l C/S rep) and I see them every day. God blessed me with good kids.....though not always ! But me and Bubba raised two good eggs and I'm proud of that.

I love sharing this time with y'all......and I thank everyone that has kept up with my story. Hope there are things in my posts everyone can use in their lives.

I'm just a silly ole lady, 53 , but I really like me....and that's a good thing !

Debi from Georgia

You're really not silly and you're not 'ole' either.

Thinking of you Debi,

Thank you Lara

Boy have I had some rough nights...thankfully the last 2 nights I have been able to sleep.

Sunday night I totally LOST it....cried so hard I could not breath.....I texted my daughter at 11:15 pm and asked her to come and spend the night with me. No one has stayed since Bubba's passing except the grandkids on weekends.

She came and it took me about an hour to calm down. We climbed up in my bed with my babies, Angus and Charlie, loved on them for a while and I finally fell asleep. I woke up at 6 am when Christina got up to go to work and she said 'go back to sleep' and I did ! Slept till noon !

My son in law, Jonathan, took me to my pain dr appointment on Monday afternoon. I was hoping for an increase in my oxycodone but due to their policy I am at the highest level they will allow and also at the highest level for my BuTrans patch. He offered to try other meds but that would mean titrating down on what I'm on now and I'm just not in a state to be able to do that right now. Other option is always an SCS which I'm also not ready to handle.

But there was some good news....I've been having problems with my lower back. I never mention it since my SFN usually takes the major role in my pain but my back stops me from doing some things I can do.

On Oct 30th I'm going to have 3 LI Transforaminal epidural injections in my back. Hoping that helps and who knows ? It might also help some of my nerve pain right ?

Then yesterday afternoon I had my first 6 month GYN cancer checkup. Prior to this it had been every 3 months. I've been seeing this lady for over 20 years and she helped me get my disability approved. Last time I saw her was right before Bubba's surgery in May. So as I told her about Bubba, she cried, I cried and her nurse cried. Helpful crying I think.

I actually drove myself to this appointment as it is very close and I did really good driving. Except as I pulled onto our street. The thought of Bubba not being here to welcome me and want to know what the dr said just overhelmed me. My 10 year old grandson happened to be at my house and comes bounding out the door and of course THAT put a smile on my face. Who doesn't want to come home to that ?

So that's my update.....thank the Good Lord the sun was shining yesterday when I got up. And my body is appreciating it too !

Here's hoping everyone has an awesome Wednesday without too much pain. I'm not going to say 'no' pain because we all know that ain't going to happen.

Take care and I love you guys so much !

PS...going to start a thread on Carpal Tunnel Surgery as my pain dr said it I don't get my right hand fixed I'm going to loose all muscle and that will be permanent.

Debi from Georgia

Hi Debi,

Hope you've gotten some sleep. I know that was my hardest thing to get used to. During the day I was busy and there were things to do. Night time just seemed to bring on a whole new "mood" for me. I tried keeping all the lights on in the house but my neighbor got worried and asked if everything was OK. I told her what I was doing and that it really wasn't helping me. Just making my house look like a giant light bulb.

I'm having to go to the hospital to get an IV Solumedrol infusion for 3 days. It's an early appointment each day and my daughter-in-law is taking me. Bless her heart.....she's so sweet and does so much for me without a peep of complaining. I hope this infusion helps because I am so off balance it's hard to do anything.

I hope your epidural injections help. Tim had those for back issues he had. They helped some but he was always with some pain. Some of it was work related and some was injuries from weight lifting. I told him doing that wasn't a good idea but you know how that goes..........

It sounds like you have a really nice GYN doctor. It's hard to find a good doctor that you can talk to like that so you're lucky. I hope everything is OK with that, too.



I'll be thinking of you on the 30th and hoping the treatments work.

I'm doing ok since my major melt down. I did get the first insurance check in the mail today and that really made me so sad. I'm not suppose to be getting life insurance checks at 53 on my husband. You know ?

I went to the Waffle House last night with my 2nd ex-daughter in law (lol) and Lane my 10 year old grandson. As we were about to leave the cook came by and asked if everything was good.

And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I think this cook was James. A young man working his butt off and that my husband helped out. Gave him a coat last winter and stuff like that. I asked the waitress what his name was and she said James....I wanted so badly to talk to him for a second but I just lost it and had to go outside. I wanted to share with him what my husband had told me about him. Maybe I will try again one day.

You're right. When that feeling wells up in you there is nothing you can do but let it go. Wherever you are.

I don't understand what is going on with my pain right now but it's driving me crazy. Spent much of the last few days in bed. My pain pills are just taking the edge off and that's about it. Not good.

Hoping tomorrow is a better day Hug for you Kitty !

Debi

Hi Debi,

I have been away from the forum; yet, have been thinking of you and your family.

Just catching up on your thread.

I watch my mother adjust to the loss of my stepdad. She shares a home with me and with my husband for now. My stepdad had passed 3 years ago. It's been a very difficult time for her. She is doing much better now, yet it's still an adjustment for her to be without her husband. I see and feel her pain, often. I just hold her and tell her I know she misses him. I miss him very much too, yet it's such a deep loss for a spouse.

I look at my husband, as we are your age, and wonder what I would do without him. He has been my very best friend since we'd met. Our friendship runs so deep and has never wavered.

I hope you will be more comfortable on all levels, soon.

Much Love to You and to Your Family,

DejaVu

So strange that you mentioned the deep loss of a spouse. I've just been thinking about that the last few weeks and have come to realize that a relationship between a couple is so very different than any other they may have.

I love my kids and grandkids and they have been here every single day for me but it's not the same as having Bubba here. The life decisions I'm having to make now are all something I would want to discuss with him. Medicare being one and that alone is driving me absolutely nuts. I got all the paperwork before he passed but never had time to go over it. This is the first time for me and it starts 11.1 and I haven't done anything yet. But I have a plan that was decided on by me and help from my bestest friend who is on here !

Today I have to go to the Probate Clerk and be sworn in as Bubba's whatever for the Will. I already know it's going to be a sucky day for me. At least I woke up with a clear head so that will help with the pain.

I have to say the hardest thing for me to see right now is Bubba's truck. I gave it to Luke but just seeing it come in the driveway tears my heart up. I passed it one day last week when Luke was cutting grass and I just laid over the side and cried....my sweet neighbor Jake saw me and came and gave me a hug and talked to me for a bit. Bubba's passing has really brought this street together and it is amazing.

Thank you DejaVu for your sweet message.

Debi from Georgia

Hi Debi,

Well, you're getting into the "nuts and bolts" of it all with having to go to the Probate court and all that. Makes it seem so impersonal......until you get there and see your name and his name on some document and just want to yell at someone that it's all a bad dream and for someone to stop all the nonsense. At least that's how I felt. Not knowing what to expect I went in with blinders on and left a big, blubbering mess. How they expect you to make decisions during times like this I'll never understand. That's why it's SO important to take someone who can remain calm with you or better yet your attorney.

The Medicare stuff is another story. I swear I think they hire people just to make things more confusing to those of us under a time constraint. I finally got a plan that is somewhat user friendly (Humana) but with all the specialist doctors I have it's a constant battle with referrals. We used to have Blue Cross Blue Shield when hubby was alive and I never appreciated it until it was gone. I had hoped I would get health insurance coverage as part of his death benefits but they would not retire him. He was 18 months away from being able to retire and they wouldn't do it. Looking back they dodged a huge bullet with me because I didn't have an MS diagnosis back then.

Things will get easier. It just takes time and time isn't our friend during the first couple of years. Enjoy this beautiful weather we're having. I know I am and dread when they mention rain in the forecast. I saw it was colder where you are this morning than where I am! I wish it could stay Fall 12 months a year.