Goodnight Debi.
I hope you are able to get some restful sleep now.

:hug:

Debi, my sleep pattern is all messed up, too. I tend to wake up every 2 hours.......no reason other than my body is just used to it and I usually need to visit the restroom. :rolleyes: Since I can nap if I need to I just go with it....no reason to get all stressed about it.

I'm so glad to hear you had some good times. I miss going out to eat. My hubby loved to go out and eat and at that time I was able to go.....wasn't diagnosed with MS until after he passed. I guess God is watching out for me because I would probably gain way too much weight if I ate now like I did then! :o

Picking up his ashes and Urn is something very personal and however you felt or reacted is just right for YOU. Grief is such a personal thing and everyone goes through their own journey with it. Nothing is right or wrong......whatever works for you is what you should do. And please give yourself time.

I hope your pain is at a more tolerable level today. You're in my thoughts and prayers. :hug:

I am so sorry Deb
 

Hi Deb,

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved husband. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

I went and am still going through the hospital delirium with my husband from surgery a year ago.

About a month ago I started back with the group and was looking for you and today your post came up. I am happy you have family with you that is a blessing. You also have God who is walking with you now.

Any time you need to talk I am here for you we all are.
God Bless you.

Uglogirl. Gloria

Hi Debi,

Just a note to say: You are doing it all just the way you need to do it. There is no "weird," no right and no wrong. Tears will often come at seemingly odd times. Comfort will follow suit. Simply "allow" the process -- whatever you need. No judgment upon how your grief expresses itself. Self-compassion is very helpful as you allow yourself to grieve and to heal. :hug:

For what it's worth, I believe you feel your husband's Presence because he is Present with you during this very difficult time. :)

Continued offerings of Love, support and prayers for you, your mom and your family.

Warmly,
DejaVu

Debi,
Glad to learn you went out and had a nice dinner. It will, for some time, continue to remind you of times Bubba would have been there; or even some times feeling guilty for enjoying the little things. That's Okay.....you wouldn't want it any differently for him if things were reversed.

I recall getting tearful at the grocery store passing up a special toothpaste that I no longer needed to buy. Things just creep in at the oddest times. These are fond loving memories.

Just a little FYI:
I set my alarm for 6:30 a.m.every morning so I don't let my pain get out of control. Better to get ahead of it; otherwise it gets out of hand and as you know, much more difficult to get to a tolerable level.


Please be careful not to overdo too much.:hug:


Gerry

About my Saturday
 

The memory garden sounds soooooo wonderful.

A living tribute.

Can't wait for you to post the photo when completed.

Sure hope you can get some good quality rest and sleep tonight.

Hi Debi,

The joint effort between you and your neighbors, in planting the memory garden is... incredibly beautiful! :D I was trying to picture the gardening team in my mind as I was reading your post. You are so fortunate to have such outwardly loving neighbors! :grouphug:

I am sorry to realize I have not known you here on NeuroTalk, as it's abundantly clear you are so very loved and deeply respected by so many members here.

I don't want to be intrusive.
I do, however, consider it an honor to offer support, Love and Prayers to you and to your family.

:grouphug:

DejaVu

I think Debi will be very glad to see your postings and would NOT think them intrusive in the least bit. She needs all the love and support she can receive from the community. You don't have to be "up to date" on Debi to offer your support. I thank you for your posts, too.

Hi Debi,

I noticed your response to dancinglady's Thread, and must say I find your compassion limitless that you could still reach out in such a fashion at this time.

May these forthcoming difficult days run smoothly for you and your family.

Dave.

Debi,
 

Looking forward to seeing the pictures of Bubba's Memory Garden. Your neighbors appear to be thrilled to be able to do this "labor of love". I can picture you with them in the store exchanging ideas. Your input is so important to them.

Thanks again for sharing.


Gerry

Dear DejaVu
 

Hi Debi,
I am so glad you were able to get some sleep last night. It is 11:30PM and as I check on you before I go to sleep, I am so glad you have kept us updated.

The garden sounds so beautiful. What a lovely reminder of how much Bubba was loved by so many people. When my father passed a few years back, I was amazed at the outpouring of affection and all the lives he touched, that I had not known about, and I have feeling Bubba touched many lives in the same way.

I certainly understand not wanting to wash pillowcases. It may be too soon to do this but there is a lovely way to remember a loved one by saving alot of their favorite clothes like flannel shirts, sweaters, sweatshirts, ties, tshirts, work clothes, jackets, jeans, a favorite blanket, etc and have them cut into small pieces and made into a a quilt (and maybe have them made for your kids as well).
I had a friend who had that done and she did not wash the clothes because she wanted the smell of her husbands cologne and the woman who made the quilt for her said she completely understood. If someone in your circle of family,friends or neighbors can sew, I am sure they would feel honored to do that for you all. Or some organizations like church groups, etc have quilting groups and they may do it for you as well.

Hope you sleep well again tonight Debi...Lord knows you need some solid rest.
In my heart, prayers and thoughts,
God Bless you and your entire family.
Love, D.

P.S. How is your mother doing?

P.P.S.
I looked up those Memory quilts. many folks on etsy.com make them. A VERY wide array of prices.

Debi, after my husband's passing I would go and stand in our closet and bury my face in his shirts because I could still smell his scent on them. Sometimes I'd take his cologne and spray it in there just to be able to get the feeling that he was close by. So many things I did that I thought were "odd" but now realize that it was just my way of coping. There are no wrong ways to cope.

One thing that surprised me......and nobody mentioned it to me.....were the "grief bursts". I'd be having a relatively good day and something would trigger my memory or otherwise remind me of something that had to do with my husband and that was all it took. Wherever I was I'd have a mini-meltdown. I'll never forget once in the line at the post office the man in front of me had a package with a return address on it and it had the same first name as my hubby. Something as simple as that. I had to leave. I was fine after a couple of minutes but random things will trigger you for a while. And it's usually things that only mean something to you personally.

I'm looking forward to your pictures of the garden, too. What a sweet gesture for your neighbors to do. Sounds like you have lots of good friends. :)

Debi,
 

I have mentioned in the past, your relationship with Luke reminds me so much of my son's. So good and understanding of him to take this week off giving you the time to space all that has to be done. His being with you will be so comforting.

Really looking forward to seeing pictures of the Memory Garden. Such a thoughtful and beautiful gesture.

Even now when I hear music from the Phantom of the Opera brings back so many memories. (All good.) Early on, was in the store one day shopping and the background music of the Phantom was played throughout the store; the tears flowed. We had gone to see the play with my daughter and her husband on a Thursday, he passed that Sunday.

Debi, eventually these memories become a beautiful treasure. I'm sure you will have many.


Gerry

Hi Debi,

Thank you for your kind words.

The garden sounds wonderful! :)

Continued Love and Prayers,
:hug:
DejaVu

Up for the 3rd time (I spoke too soon !)
 

Oh my dear Debi,

Yes, so very much to take care of without any time to get your head wrapped around it all.

Not sure if it is good or bad that one must deal with all the financial aspects so quickly. It makes one wonder: Does it help to be so occupied with it that it takes your mind off your grief and forces one to avoid the desire to just shut the world out, ...or would it be better to have the time to grieve FIRST, then deal with all the details. I don't know which would be better for the person that must handle all the details. I think either way is difficult. Some things can not be postponed but who wants to deal with those matters when one's heart is breaking. We don't always realize just how complicated life gets until we have to untangle all the mess. Makes me wish for simpler times.

Your FIRST and foremost task is to change the rep for your benefits so you will have access to your disability benefits.

It sounds like you have plans to get everything taken care of and are right on track.

I will reserve the "health insurance and Medicare" topic for a later post.

We are here for you and really appreciate you keeping us updated as you travel this road.

You don't have to be strong every moment. Allow yourself to grieve. Cry whenever you need. We share your tears. Sleep is something that will be hit and miss, especially when you are not only fighting pain but also sorrow. There will be times when you can't sleep and times when you can't get enough sleep. Be kind to yourself. There is no right and wrong. Sleep whenever you can to allow your body the recuperation it needs.

Your messages are so welcome and we look forward to hearing from you whenever you are up to the task.

I am so sorry that you have so much to deal with and so immediately. It is hard enough when one is healthy and fully functional but when you add disability to the mix, it is beyond difficult.

Hi Debi,

About your Mom's broken ribs. I have been told by many in the radiology field that rib fractures are not always easy to see on x-ray films. It is not unusual to have repeat x-rays.

Hope there are no additional injuries discovered. Your Mom must really be stoic. I could not lay down with my fractured ribs. I had to sleep in a chair for a LONG time. Every breath hurt but breathing was a necessity. :)

Debi,
 

So much to do and think about. Maybe just sort and do the priorities first and some of the things that can; let them slide for a little while.

There might be a chance that your husband's insurance may be able to be your secondary insurance with Medicare as your primary. You will most likely be responsible for the Cobra/insurance expense. Possibly Luke may be able to call your husband's place of employment to get information rather than you dealing with it at this time.

Just seeing certain people makes holding back the tears next to impossible. These are good for you; don't try to hold back your feelings.

Hopefully writing and sharing with us at NT gives you some sense of release knowing how much we care.

With love & prayers,

Gerry

Just wanted to say goodnight Debi ( or is it good morning? )
I can't to get sleep either.

Thanks for the updates on your Mother.
I don't know how you can lift her wheelchair in and out of the car.
Like you and your Mom, my Mother and I don't like using it but, it is a necessity for both of us.
She used to fight me using it but she would tire after walking 15 paces and need to sit.

Debi...do you think you could delegate some tasks to the kids or other family or friends? to take the load off you? You seem to have the loveliest family and friends...I know people who care are looking for ways to help at a time like this and some my be very glad to step up.

I would like to mention, if you can, maybe your husbands insurance could provide a Medicare Gap type plan? I got a gap plan for the first time myself this year and it has been incredibly helpful. I have has some serious / expensive health issues and I have not paid a dime beyond what my deductible at the beginning of the year. Just a thought.

A big hug and hopefully a visit from the sand man.

XOXOXO
D.

A Potential Resource
 

Hi Debi,

You have a lot on your plate. :hug:

My dad had passed just a couple of years ago. This left too much for my mother to deal with. My dad still had a business, etc.

My mother's attorney had suggested a person he often recommends to widows/families in these situations. This person took over handling the finances, the insurance claims and more, immediately. In addition, she is "bonded."

She is a member of a national organization, " American Association of Daily Money Managers." (AADM) www.AADMM.com

I do not know if all of the certified representatives/money managers for AADMM are bonded or not. I also do not know if they each offer all of the services she has offered to my mother.

The AADMM suggests many questions be asked of any of their members/representatives : http://www.aadmm.com/questions_to_ask.htm

She has been able to go over Social Security information. She has gone over Medicare and many "medigap" insurance policies and explains them to my mother, helping my mother to make choices on these. She has been able to review insurance claims and explain them.
She has made calls to insurers to clarify coverage, to appeal decisions, and also to assist my mother in choosing new plans, etc.

She also deals with the banks, the tax attorneys, etc.

She was able to come into the situation immediately, deciphered my dad's business accounting, set up a more comprehensive and easier accounting program for the business, as well as for household accounting (and budget). She had this all done very quickly. She has helped my mother and our family in a truly significant way, during a very trying time.

I want to mention this organization to you, incase this is something you may find helpful. Your attorney may know of a similar type of a professional available to assist you, should you desire assistance.

Love and Prayers,
DejaVu

Thank you DejaVu :)
 

[QUOTE=DejaVu;1170114]Hi Debi,

You have a lot on your plate. :hug:

My dad had passed just a couple of years ago. This left too much for my mother to deal with. My dad still had a business, etc.

My mother's attorney had suggested a person he often recommends to widows/families in these situations. This person took over handling the finances, the insurance claims and more, immediately. In addition, she is "bonded."

She is a member of a national organization, " American Association of Daily Money Managers." (AADM) www.AADMM.com

I do not know if all of the certified representatives/money managers for AADMM are bonded or not. I also do not know if they each offer all of the services she has offered to my mother.

The AADMM suggests many questions be asked of any of their members/representatives : http://www.aadmm.com/questions_to_ask.htm

She has been able to go over Social Security information. She has gone over Medicare and many "medigap" insurance policies and explains them to my mother, helping my mother to make choices on these. She has been able to review insurance claims and explain them.
She has made calls to insurers to clarify coverage, to appeal decisions, and also to assist my mother in choosing new plans, etc.

She also deals with the banks, the tax attorneys, etc.

She was able to come into the situation immediately, deciphered my dad's business accounting, set up a more comprehensive and easier accounting program for the business, as well as for household accounting (and budget). She had this all done very quickly. She has helped my mother and our family in a truly significant way, during a very trying time.

I want to mention this organization to you, incase this is something you may find helpful. Your attorney may know of a similar type of a professional available to assist you, should you desire assistance.

Love and Prayers,
DejaVu[/QUOTE

I'm going to read up on this....if not to help me then hopefully someone else in the future.

Debi in Georgia

Heading out early this morning
 

Debi :hug:

I'll be thinking of you today. I remember those visits to all the necessary places. You'd think they could figure something out to where you didn't have to go in person but I guess they do it to protect you from fraud. Not feeling well physically just seems to add to the emotional pain.

It's been rainy here, too (North Georgia) but next week Fall weather arrives!! It's going to be a relief to my body as rainy warm weather doesn't get along with me.

I hope things go as smoothly as possible for you today. Hoping you get to deal with kind folks who will take the time to explain things to you. I found most people to be very nice and patient with me. I'm glad you're taking someone with you today. I went alone to most places and found that I couldn't remember a thing I had been told. :eek: A second set of ears is always a good idea.

Hope you'll check in later when you get back home.....and as you feel able to.....to let us know how things went. :hug:

Good night debi
 

Good night Debi.
Here's hoping the visit to SS went smoothly and I am sure they are used to people who have lost loved ones, becoming emotional.

Hope you are sleeping better. I can't recall but if you are not getting any good sleep, perhaps a tranquilizer or sleeping pill are in order for a bit. When we had my father at home on hospice care, my pain doc gave me lorazepam and it not only helped with sleep, it helped take the sharp edge off the stress induced pain.

Thinking of you:)
D.

Can't sleep .... again
 

Good Morning Debi,

That text from your DIL was so sweet. She sounds like a good friend to you regardless of her and your son's differences. It's hard to take a neutral stance when you love them both. I hope things will go smoothly for them and for you.

It sounds like you got to deal with some kind folks on all your different visits. You know, in hindsight, I think you will realize that all of it helps with your acceptance of Bubba's passing. I didn't realize a lot of things until time had passed and I thought back to some of it.

I had a similar experience at the bank we had accounts at. The folks who worked at the branch he always used were so shocked the day I showed up with the terrible news. They were very nice and offered such sweet words of comfort.

When my hubby passed away we didn't use the Internet for banking. I'm not sure if it was even available back then but he liked to write checks and mail them the old fashioned way so that's what we did. He also liked getting a paper paycheck and physically depositing it at the bank. Well, things have sure changed since then because everything I do is electronic from getting checks deposited to paying my bills. 99% of it is due to the fact I don't drive anymore and the other 1% is convenience. I have to admit I think I'd be doing it this way regardless of my health! I can even deposit paper checks via an App and never have to leave the house. ;)

I'm glad your Mom is feeling better. I can relate to how she feels. I don't like strange people in my house either.....even if they're there to help me! My Mom was the same way. She'd clean the house before the housekeeper came. :rolleyes: Didn't want anyone to think we ever had dirt in our house!! :eek:

I agree with you about having someone you trust on your accounts. My boys are both on my bank accounts and savings accounts. I haven't needed their help...yet...but if that day ever comes it will be so much easier on all of us not to have to deal with financial issues. If I need to at some point my DIL might also be put on one of them but that will have to be OK'ed by the attorney. What on earth did folks do years and years ago when we didn't have all these rules and attorney's to take care of them and advise us?

Ahh, we learn lots of things about ourselves during difficult times like this. We also learn how much family means to us. I do hope you're having more good days than hard days. I can attest to the fact that time will be your friend.....maybe not right now but it will.

:hug: Kitty

Hey Kitty
 

Hi Debi,
I am so glad this is your weekend away. It is understandable you are hesitant but, it will be good to have a change and just get away from the house for a couple days.

You are running around so much, you are making ME tired...10 errands in one day! I couldn't do 10 errands in a week!!!

You are smart to wait to tell your Mom you are going away...less stress for both of you. Glad to hear she is doing OK.

Good night Debi,
D.

P.S. There are two of us left on the planet that don't have debit cards.

p.s.....There are three; count me in.....



Gerry

Debi,
 

I hope all will go well with this weekend; but please, should you begin to feel you cannot handle it, I'm sure everyone will understand. Iit's good that you're holding off telling your Mom about this upcoming weekend.

Debi,
Not sure you realize how much you have really accomplished in so short of time. Thankfully you have a great family as well. All of you are in this together; they are grieving too. Spending time doing errands and just being there with you is healing for them as well.

Your daughter is quite wise. I'm glad she insisted you come down to eat. Good for you for obliging her request.

As always, you and your family are in my prayers.:smileypray:


Gerry

Dear Debi,

Thinking of you and your family often throughout the days.

Dave.

Well, it looks like you have some company here with the debit card issue!! I don't know how I'd survive without mine. I order everything I need online and have it delivered so it's a necessity for me. It's not hard to get used to it so if you ever want to get one it won't be a hard transition for you.

My husband and I both had one to the account we shared and he was forever telling me to be careful and not leave it in the ATM if I got cash out. I hardly ever used the ATM and usually got whatever cash back I needed when I bought groceries. Well, don't you know that HE left his card in the ATM one day when he was getting some cash out and the person that came up behind him took it and used it at the Kroger!! And the shoe store and the Farmer's Market!! Luckily we discovered it and called the bank and they fixed our account but he never ever reminded me to be careful with my card again!! ;) I didn't mention it to him after that day but I know he remembered it and was mortified about it!

Make that THREE !!! :D

debit cards / credit cards
 

Good Morning,

Up at my usual ridiculously early hour :rolleyes:. Don't know why I wake up so early (well, I do know.......to go to the potty! :o). Once the cats hear me up that's it.......everybody is hungry and can't wait.

I'm glad you get to take the truck to PCB......that will be a good trip and I hope you get to relax and unwind. I remember I went to TN about six months after my DH passed away. I went back and forth about going right up to the day I went but I'm glad a did. It was a welcome distraction to the seemingly endless reminders that my world (and life) had changed so drastically.

How did Mom do with the visit from the nurse? I know she might take a while to get used to it but it's so much easier than having to pack up and "go" to the doctor's office.....especially for simple things that could be done at home with a quick visit from a nurse.

What's your weather like? Up here in N GA we're having cool nights and relatively cool/warm days. It's that time of year where you almost have to turn your heat on at night and your AC on during the afternoon.

I hope you're having some good days and some fun things to look forward to. :hug:

i am so sorry for your loss Debi. i am sending prayers and healing thoughts your way.

Just got back from the beach
 

Well I have to say the guys (my son and son-in-law) took great care of my mother while we were gone. They can function without us ladies after all :)

It was a very nice, relaxing trip. The weather was beautiful and the gulf was calm. I was even able to get out in the water and float around on my float. We laughed and cried and told funny stories about past trips with Bubba. There were dragonflies everywhere and we all felt he had sent them to us as a message. Dolphins playing close to shore and I even saw a flounder swim by.

The hardest part was the drive down and back. I could check off every gas station/convinence store and restaurant we had ever stopped at in years past. That was sad and also coming home to no Bubba waiting for me :(

The future looks bleak without him by my side. I know I'll get by but will it be enough without him ? I'm scared really of what lies ahead of me. I guess I just need to put it all in God's hands. He knows best doesn't he ?

Thanks to all who took the time to read my latest update. I know I will not have to travel this road alone with all my friends here anytime I need them.

Love,

Debi

There were days when I wondered how I'd ever do it alone. Those days seemed to last forever. Then I'd have a day where I seemed to be coping well with the changes in my life. It's just getting used to a new normal. It won't happen overnight.....some days it seems like it'll never happen. But it will. When you look back over the days and months you'll realize how much stronger you've become. I think the trip to PCB was a great idea and it probably did a lot for you towards helping you heal and cope. I was scared, too, but have since gotten stronger or better able to cope or both. :rolleyes: Sometimes you surprise yourself at the situations you can cope with and the things you can do.