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Debi,
First of all; happy to learn all went well with your Mom. Especially glad you had a very nice trip with time to share both happy and sad times with those close to you and Bubba.
Your faith in God is something that will be so helpful in days, weeks and years to come. He is such a good listener. This is all so new yet; but tho you will never forget; you will learn to make each day count. The fact that you were able to make this trip with both physical and emotional pain, shows what a "trooper" you are. I believe you will be amazed how well you will handle both the "ups" and "downs". Gerry |
Hi Debi
(((((( Debi and Family ))))))
Continued Love and Supportive Prayer :hug: DejaVu |
hi debi. i just wanted you to know i was thinking of you and am praying that you are feeling a little better today. i hope you have a really nice day. i am sending healing thoughts and hugs your way.
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Sweet RSE ME :)
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Thank you so much for this message...could not have come at a better time as I was looking at YOUR post on being lonely and as I'm not feeling too well I'm missing him a lot....he would be calling from work all day long asking how I was and if I needed anything. The weather is really wreaking havoc with my SFN....I'm miserable and in a lot of pain. Can't wait for the sun to shine again ! I need that beautiful sunshine. Debi from Georgia |
Debi, I can relate to the weather related pain. My MS acts up when it rains and gets damp and cool like it is right now. My balance is terrible.......if you didn't know me you'd certainly think I'd been drinking! :o
I know feeling puny just adds to your other feelings of sadness. The weather can affect our moods so much.....at least mine it does. The change of seasons always makes me a little lonely. I have no idea why or what the corelation is between that and how I feel. :confused: That first year everything bothered me.......but it gets better as time passes. I hope you feel better soon. Maybe your daughter can make you some soup. That always seems to make me feel better. My Dad would always say "it's gettin' to be soup weather" when the weather turned cooler. :) Take care of yourself. :hug: |
Hey Kitty
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It's funny you say that because my daughter has 2 crock pots going in my kitchen right now....lol.....2 beef roasts with 2 different recipes.....she's the crazy chef in our lives....I'm just the regular southern cook (when I can cook). I want to get better so I can at least start dinner before they get off work. We've decided for the short term we are all eating together....Luke is getting a divorce and I've lost Bubba so we're either here each night or at Christina's...there is only one house between ours and hers. I've just got out of the shower and that really takes a toll on me. Something about the bottom of the tub my feet don't like. I just feel terrible....like I have the flu all over my body. I have so much to do in this house but I just don't feel like it right now. Talk with you soon. :hug: Debi from Georgia |
Debi,
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It appears all of you have a real good set up for dinner (your daughter is a "doll") taking care of most of the cooking. I've got a feeling it won't be long before you are getting dinner started. I have a shower; but the floor really aggravates the bottom of my feet too. Most tubs have the little rough area to prevent slipping; pretty much causing the same reaction. (Actually, I took a bit of a nose dive last night when going into the kitchen to get my meds; my feet had been burning so I was wearing my soft slippers adjusted loosely. One foot came out of the slipper which remained behind. The rest is history. Luckily just a little sore; but am okay.) Unfortunately, with all you have been through and feeling as you do; getting the house in order understandably has not been a priority. Gerry |
Oh no Gerry !
Are you ok ? I just hate when shoes don't act right :)
Debi |
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I was just a bit sore this a.m.; but am fine. I'm telling you; just can't trust these things staying on. Gerry |
Hi Debi,
I am playing catch up on posts and am so glad you got to the beach! It sounds like it was much needed respite, even if bittersweet on the return. You have been much on my heart lately. My husband is only out of town for a couple of weeks, but I miss him and because of your loss have kept thinking "Gosh, what if this was forever". I think of what you are going through and wish, wish, wish I could hug it all away. Yet I know that your pain is a testament to your love for him. Thank you for continuing to share with us. You are reminding me to cherish every moment. Sending love and peace, :hug: |
Dear Littlepaw :)
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I hope that some of what I share and feel will cause people to hold and hug their families a little tighter and to say those words everyone needs to hear "I Love YOU' ! Thank you Littlepaw for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. Debi from Georgia :hug: |
Debi,
Thank you for sharing your journey with us. You have been very open with the good and the not so good days. Your family has been right there with you.
Your updates of your mother, Luke, Christina, their families have made me feel part of Bubba's past and the present. Honored to be part of your NT family. Love & Prayers for you and Family. Gerry |
Dang It Gerry !
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I can't even begin to tell you what this has done for me having all of you support me during this time. I don't have the sufficient words to say how much this all means to me except: Priceless :) Yep...you are all priceless to me. So give yourselves a big hug from me tonight and whoever else is in your house and not asleep...lol Just about every night when we would lay down my husband would say "goodnite crazy old woman. I love you" and I would say right back to him "goodnite crazy old man. I love you too". Just simple words but have so much meaning to me now. Luke is busy busting all the bad drug guys and Christina is shipping carpet all over the world (she's an Int'l C/S rep) and I see them every day. God blessed me with good kids.....though not always ! But me and Bubba raised two good eggs and I'm proud of that. I love sharing this time with y'all......and I thank everyone that has kept up with my story. Hope there are things in my posts everyone can use in their lives. I'm just a silly ole lady, 53 :), but I really like me....and that's a good thing ! Debi from Georgia |
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You're really not silly and you're not 'ole' either. ;) Thinking of you Debi, :grouphug: |
Good Morning :)
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Boy have I had some rough nights...thankfully the last 2 nights I have been able to sleep. Sunday night I totally LOST it....cried so hard I could not breath.....I texted my daughter at 11:15 pm and asked her to come and spend the night with me. No one has stayed since Bubba's passing except the grandkids on weekends. She came and it took me about an hour to calm down. We climbed up in my bed with my babies, Angus and Charlie, loved on them for a while and I finally fell asleep. I woke up at 6 am when Christina got up to go to work and she said 'go back to sleep' and I did ! Slept till noon ! My son in law, Jonathan, took me to my pain dr appointment on Monday afternoon. I was hoping for an increase in my oxycodone but due to their policy I am at the highest level they will allow and also at the highest level for my BuTrans patch. He offered to try other meds but that would mean titrating down on what I'm on now and I'm just not in a state to be able to do that right now. Other option is always an SCS which I'm also not ready to handle. But there was some good news....I've been having problems with my lower back. I never mention it since my SFN usually takes the major role in my pain but my back stops me from doing some things I can do. On Oct 30th I'm going to have 3 LI Transforaminal epidural injections in my back. Hoping that helps and who knows ? It might also help some of my nerve pain right ? Then yesterday afternoon I had my first 6 month GYN cancer checkup. Prior to this it had been every 3 months. I've been seeing this lady for over 20 years and she helped me get my disability approved. Last time I saw her was right before Bubba's surgery in May. So as I told her about Bubba, she cried, I cried and her nurse cried. Helpful crying I think. I actually drove myself to this appointment as it is very close and I did really good driving. Except as I pulled onto our street. The thought of Bubba not being here to welcome me and want to know what the dr said just overhelmed me. My 10 year old grandson happened to be at my house and comes bounding out the door and of course THAT put a smile on my face. Who doesn't want to come home to that ? So that's my update.....thank the Good Lord the sun was shining yesterday when I got up. And my body is appreciating it too ! Here's hoping everyone has an awesome Wednesday without too much pain. I'm not going to say 'no' pain because we all know that ain't going to happen. Take care and I love you guys so much ! :grouphug: PS...going to start a thread on Carpal Tunnel Surgery as my pain dr said it I don't get my right hand fixed I'm going to loose all muscle and that will be permanent. Debi from Georgia |
Hi Debi,
Hope you've gotten some sleep. I know that was my hardest thing to get used to. During the day I was busy and there were things to do. Night time just seemed to bring on a whole new "mood" for me. I tried keeping all the lights on in the house but my neighbor got worried and asked if everything was OK. I told her what I was doing and that it really wasn't helping me. Just making my house look like a giant light bulb. I'm having to go to the hospital to get an IV Solumedrol infusion for 3 days. It's an early appointment each day and my daughter-in-law is taking me. Bless her heart.....she's so sweet and does so much for me without a peep of complaining. I hope this infusion helps because I am so off balance it's hard to do anything. I hope your epidural injections help. Tim had those for back issues he had. They helped some but he was always with some pain. Some of it was work related and some was injuries from weight lifting. I told him doing that wasn't a good idea but you know how that goes.........:rolleyes:. It sounds like you have a really nice GYN doctor. It's hard to find a good doctor that you can talk to like that so you're lucky. I hope everything is OK with that, too. I'll be thinking of you on the 30th and hoping the treatments work. |
Thank you Kitty
I'm doing ok since my major melt down. I did get the first insurance check in the mail today and that really made me so sad. I'm not suppose to be getting life insurance checks at 53 on my husband. You know ?
I went to the Waffle House last night with my 2nd ex-daughter in law (lol) and Lane my 10 year old grandson. As we were about to leave the cook came by and asked if everything was good. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I think this cook was James. A young man working his butt off and that my husband helped out. Gave him a coat last winter and stuff like that. I asked the waitress what his name was and she said James....I wanted so badly to talk to him for a second but I just lost it and had to go outside. I wanted to share with him what my husband had told me about him. Maybe I will try again one day. You're right. When that feeling wells up in you there is nothing you can do but let it go. Wherever you are. I don't understand what is going on with my pain right now but it's driving me crazy. Spent much of the last few days in bed. My pain pills are just taking the edge off and that's about it. Not good. Hoping tomorrow is a better day :) :hug: Hug for you Kitty ! Debi |
((((( Debi )))))
Hi Debi,
I have been away from the forum; yet, have been thinking of you and your family. Just catching up on your thread. I watch my mother adjust to the loss of my stepdad. She shares a home with me and with my husband for now. My stepdad had passed 3 years ago. It's been a very difficult time for her. She is doing much better now, yet it's still an adjustment for her to be without her husband. I see and feel her pain, often. I just hold her and tell her I know she misses him. I miss him very much too, yet it's such a deep loss for a spouse. I look at my husband, as we are your age, and wonder what I would do without him. He has been my very best friend since we'd met. Our friendship runs so deep and has never wavered. I hope you will be more comfortable on all levels, soon. Much Love to You and to Your Family, :hug: DejaVu |
Thank you DejaVu
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I love my kids and grandkids and they have been here every single day for me but it's not the same as having Bubba here. The life decisions I'm having to make now are all something I would want to discuss with him. Medicare being one and that alone is driving me absolutely nuts. I got all the paperwork before he passed but never had time to go over it. This is the first time for me and it starts 11.1 and I haven't done anything yet. But I have a plan that was decided on by me and help from my bestest friend who is on here ! Today I have to go to the Probate Clerk and be sworn in as Bubba's whatever for the Will. I already know it's going to be a sucky day for me. At least I woke up with a clear head so that will help with the pain. I have to say the hardest thing for me to see right now is Bubba's truck. I gave it to Luke but just seeing it come in the driveway tears my heart up. I passed it one day last week when Luke was cutting grass and I just laid over the side and cried....my sweet neighbor Jake saw me and came and gave me a hug and talked to me for a bit. Bubba's passing has really brought this street together and it is amazing. Thank you DejaVu for your sweet message. Debi from Georgia |
Hi Debi,
Well, you're getting into the "nuts and bolts" of it all with having to go to the Probate court and all that. Makes it seem so impersonal......until you get there and see your name and his name on some document and just want to yell at someone that it's all a bad dream and for someone to stop all the nonsense. At least that's how I felt. Not knowing what to expect I went in with blinders on and left a big, blubbering mess. How they expect you to make decisions during times like this I'll never understand. That's why it's SO important to take someone who can remain calm with you or better yet your attorney. The Medicare stuff is another story. I swear I think they hire people just to make things more confusing to those of us under a time constraint. I finally got a plan that is somewhat user friendly (Humana) but with all the specialist doctors I have it's a constant battle with referrals. We used to have Blue Cross Blue Shield when hubby was alive and I never appreciated it until it was gone. :rolleyes: I had hoped I would get health insurance coverage as part of his death benefits but they would not retire him. He was 18 months away from being able to retire and they wouldn't do it. Looking back they dodged a huge bullet with me because I didn't have an MS diagnosis back then. Things will get easier. It just takes time and time isn't our friend during the first couple of years. Enjoy this beautiful weather we're having. I know I am and dread when they mention rain in the forecast. I saw it was colder where you are this morning than where I am! I wish it could stay Fall 12 months a year. :) |
Hey Kitty :)
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Well I made it through the probate thing. And I was so glad to have my lawyer there, my son Luke and my son-in-law Jonathan. WOW I had a crowd didn't I. And I'm so glad no one else was in there doing business or I would have been embarrassed. I was ok until she said it was time for me to take the oath. Then I lost it. The clerk of count was very nice and kept saying she was so sorry for my loss. My son works with the lawyer thru the DA's office so it was helpful to me when they started talking 'business'. The stuff that throws me is the banking. I'm getting checks from the insurance for overpayments and looks like they are going through the whole year. I've already rec'd more than a dozen checks ($5.90, $10.35 etc) with more coming and all in Bubba's name. They won't let me just cash them with the paperwork from the courts. I had to set up a NEW account just for these checks. An estate account. Geez it's just crazy. They will keep it open for about a year or when I think I won't be getting anymore checks in his name only and then we'll close it down. Just one more item to take care of. I already had 2 checking accts. One for my SSDI check and one joint acct. So now I have a total of 3 checking accts. How confusing ! Not that there is a lot in any of the accounts ! Just more paperwork. We made 5 stops today. Jonathan is off on Monday's so that is when we try to get things done as needed. I was blessed with this sweet man as a son-in-law. He actually likes to be with his mother-in-law ! He's just driving Miss Debi around :) Take care and thanks to all who keep me in their thoughts and prayers. I really do appreciate it. Going to lay down for awhile. I'm pooped ! Debi from Georgia |
Hi Debi,
I'm catching up on posts and am glad to see an update from you even it is poopy administrative, hair-pulling type stuff! Paperwork, banking, probate. Oh joy! I am glad you have a Medicare plan picked out. That can be so overwhelming. It is always nice to read about your supportive family and I am so happy for you that there is still so much love in your life. I know it doesn't make up for not having your honey, but how much more tragic if you didn't have them. I have been thinking of you and sending love. And I will say prayers for a healing and pain relieving procedure. I know we will all have you in our hearts on the 30th. It's terrible to be dealing with physical and emotional pain at the same time! I hope you get relief. Thanks for the sweet birthday note. I enjoyed sharing a happy normal day. I think I forgot to mention the nap I took, during which I was apparently snoring rather freely. :rolleyes: Hey we gotta rest when we can right? Watch out, there's a bunch of hugs coming your way! :hug::hug::hug: |
Update on me
Dang....has it almost been 2 months since I lost him ?
I had to take my mom to the dr yesterday and as we sat in the room waiting for the dr I was looking around and bam.....it hit....just like y'all said it would. It brought back ICU front and center. I also didn't realize that the shots for my back on Oct 30th is the 2 month mark too. If he was here he would have been taking me. And being sweet and looking after me when we got home. And I know I am extremely Blessed to have my family surrounding me. I read posts all the time of families in peril and it makes my heart hurt. Me and Luke had a falling out last year in June....I didn't see or speak to him on the phone for 3 months. I actually think it was Aug 30th when I went over to his house. Weird right ? But I had gone through chemo and was facing this ugly SFN monster so I was stronger than ever mentally and stood my ground. He had to come back on his own. Prior to chemo and SFN I would have crawled up in my recliner and cried everyday....not anymore. I did sent him a text about once a week during that time and just said I Love You and he would come back immediately and say the same thing. Bubba would go over and visit with him as he was not as mad at his dad as he was with me and Christina. By Thanksgiving we were all back together. It was his decision to come back into the family. My mom's dementia is getting worse. She's making some type of humming sound now as she walks around or when we're eating. I've look it up and it goes along with dementia. She knows she's doing it but doesn't know why. She is the first person I've met that acknowledges she has a mental issue and it really bothers her. My mother-in-law and father-in-law never mentioned it. She's in awesome shape physically for 84 and the nurse is visiting her every week. Taylor, her RN, said they've talked about my mom's addition onto our house and how much they love it and wish other seniors had the same thing. She said I would be shocked at how some of these seniors live and what they live in. That is so sad to me. I miss my Bubba so much and still walk around the house talking to him and at him for he resides on top of the entertainment center. No way I can bury him now. He's going with me when I go and that gives me comfort. I am going to put a headstone up in our family plot for I know his extended family needs a place to go for comfort. Most of them will not know he's not 'there' and that's fine. I would like to remind everyone that our marriage wasn't perfect. We had some very good times and some very bad times. But in hind sight I sure wish I had let more little things slide. Wish I had hugged him more, wish I had told him I loved him more. Please everyone take my advise and let your partner know how you truly feel. I didn't know Bubba's true feelings for me until 3 months before his death. How sad is that ? Very :icon_sad: Thanks to all who read this and send me messages and posts of comfort. I could not have gotten through these past 2 months without y'all. Big hugs to everyone ! :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: Debi from Georgia |
:hug: Debi :hug:
You are not alone when you talk about an "unperfect" marriage. I really don't think there are many of them out there. I sure didn't have one. And you're right.......looking back many of the "small stuff" things could have been avoided but they weren't. It's true hindsight is 20/20. :rolleyes: My Mom had dementia and then Alzheimer's. Dementia is hard to deal with and patience is absolutely a must! I hope she is a "happy" patient. Some folks get downright mean and that's doubly hard to deal with especially when you aren't used to them having that type of personality. I really am glad you have a lot of family around you most of the time. I used to want to be around people all the time during the first year or so after he passed. I needed the distraction. Now.......I love my solitude and quiet. I'm sure a lot of that is the MS, too. I was just looking at the calendar and it's almost time to change our clocks again. Fall back 1 hour. It doesn't bother me but I know some folks just hate it. The only reason I hate it is the huge heavy clock on the wall that I have to remember to ask my son to change for me. Last year I kept forgetting and finally it was almost time to change it back so we just left it! Might do that again this year. Well, the oven timer just went off so I better go rescue whatever I'm cooking. |
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Love me |
Hey Everyone :(
Very sad day for me. I was watching the clock at 5:20 (time of death 2 months ago) and thinking how much I miss him and how selfish it is of me. God knows he's better off and not in pain anymore. He fought the good fight for years and was tired. Tired and worn down. More so than any of us knew.
My son-in-law took me for back shots this morning. That was very hard as well since Bubba Always took me for things like that and then would spend the day checking on me while I slept. Before we left this morning I kept hearing Bubba's voice playing in my head saying "You alright ?". Him knowing I was nervous to have these shots done. The dr and nurses all know about my loss and are very supportive every time I go in. My favorite office lady came over to the surgery side of the practice and spent 20 minutes just talking and crying with me. They all remember him because he was so protective of me when we were there. So these shots were new ones for help with my lower back arthritis pain. I saw a spine specialist when all this SFN started at Emory in Atl to rule out any type of problem that would be causing the pain in my feet. That was negative but she asked lots of questions about my lower back. I had some mild pains here and there but never thought much of them. She said my lower back was pretty bad from the MRI and that I would sooner or later have pain issues. Well that was 3 years ago and my time has come. I had a good run though.....3 years ! Christina and her husband were going out to eat tomorrow night but since the dr said for me to take it easy until Monday and no lifting or bending (I was like WTH ? and he just laughed at me and said "I mean it Debi"....lol) they are going to stay home, come two houses up to my house, give out candy, cook dinner and just basically watch over me like Bubba would have. I cried when she told me and feel truly blessed to have these kids by my side through all of this. I would have never asked her to do that but so glad she is. It's just me now...just me :( So that's my current update. Not a good one but better times are a comin'. Thanksgiving week in the North Ga Mountains with my family hold up in a cabin in front of a river. Nice fire going and kids spread around the living room watching tv or playing games. I can already see it in my head since we've been to this cabin before......about 16 years ago. Take care everyone and have a Happy Halloween ! Debi |
:hug: Debi :hug:
Days like today are hard. I know how you feel. I tried so hard not to think about "anniversaries" and "first times" without him there. It's hard not to do but you will notice it gets easier to deal with as time moves on. Your kids sound wonderful. It's so nice to have family to lean on when you need support. It was a real learning experience for me to realize just how much I depended on him for little stuff. Things you don't even think about or notice.....until you have to start doing them by yourself. :( Now.....I'm Miss Independent and rarely ask for help. :rolleyes: Even though I need to at times I just don't want to be a bother to anyone. I hope the shots give you some relief and you're up and around soon. You don't realize how much you do until you're told not to and have to ask someone else for help. |
Thank you Kitty
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I think the 'firsts' like the shots today are going to be the hardest. Hopefully as I get through those I can move on to a more comfortable place in my heart and head. The family just left and Luke sent me a text basically saying he knows he's not the most pleasant person at times but he wanted me to know how much he loves me. That is just priceless to me. You probably already know this since your son was/or is in police work, that he meets some really bad people. It's hard for him to sometimes 'turn' that Narcotics Officer light off in his head at the end of the day. And you are so right on not really understanding how many little things he did do for me/us. I'm having a little teary spell so I'll close for now. Take care everyone. Debi |
Debi. what are these shots in your back? I deal with OA started in lower back about 60 yrs ago...so I know back issues and stiffness and pain. Sounds like you have nice family support.
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Take it easy on yourself for a few days, Debi. Emotionally as well as physically. :hug:
Yes, my oldest son was in police work for 13 years. He just recently decided he needed a change but is still in the "law enforcement" arena. Do they ever really leave?? :rolleyes: I have never been so happy that a child of mine has left a job! Luke sounds like a wonderful son. I know just what you mean about turning off the "policeman" once they get home. It just becomes part of their personality. I can tell a definite difference in Matt since he has been in law enforcement. Some good.....some not so good but nothing bad. Just a maturity that I never thought he'd have to know. I hope you feel better, Debi. Looks like we are in for a rainy Sunday so I know I'll be stiff, sore and off balance. Wheee!!! At least we're pros now so we can prepare for it! |
Hey caroline
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Background on family: I was raised an Air Force brat. I was born in California, we then went on to Alaska. By that time I was around 10 and had never been to Ga to meet my family. I think my Mama Jewel visited us once while in California. I had no 'concept of family', especially a Southern one ! I was immediately surrounded by aunts, uncles and cousins. And I loved it. Even though we continued to travel we were always close and came home for the Holidays. (Stationed in South Carolina and Florida twice before he retired) From the time I met my extended family all I ever wanted was a strong, loving, supportive family of my own. We've had our up and downs as a family but always come back to each other. Because of my son I've crawled up in our recliner and cried my eyes out for weeks on end at times. He's a manly man but also a mama's boy. He's 35 now and those bad years are gone I hope :) Shots in back: The info says LI Transforaminal and he gave me 3 of them. We'll see how it goes. He said it would not help with the SFN but I'm hoping somehow it will. Take care caroline :) Debi |
Thanks and I looked it up, so it's strong steroid. I had 2 scripts for epidurals about 3 yrs ago and just could not do them. I've had a steroid in one shoulder and it gave me some relief for a while and a steroid in my knee once and it did nothing. For the most part I avoid steroids. As I heard long ago, they are the best and worst drug.
I'm closer to prolozone (ozone/oxygen) injections which I've read can restore our joints. I need to cough up my own money as health insurance does not cover. In my long life, insurance covers protocols that harm. I'm dealing with a mess from hip replacement, medicare paid 80% and I'm working trying to manage what I'm left with. So this is where I come from. On our travels, I left my eastern roots 50 yrs ago and left all family back there. My daughter and grandkids are here but my daughter has a full plate raising her children as their father died a couple yrs ago at 55..and she has some health challenges so I don't count on anyone. Can't. A gf offers to take me places that I don't want to drive to but I haven't taken her up on that as I stay close to home for my remedies such as they are. We all manage as we can. Thanks Debi and good luck with those injections. |
((((( Debi )))))
Hi Debi,
You have been on my mind. I am just catching up on your thread. You have such an amazing heart, Debi. :hug: Your heart is just huge! The anniversary times are difficult, for sure. I understand, too, about memories popping up in a medical setting. One of my brothers was in surgical ICU for two months before passing on. I was there with him so much, I became sensitized to the noises in the ICU. Their phone system had a very unusual ring to it. The first time I was back in the hospital building, long after my brother had passed, I heard that ring... and, I had immediately started sobbing. The ring pattern of the phone system had tapped into a deep well of sadness. I, too, am so glad you are surrounded by family. I see so many people in my neighborhood, people with many adult children in the area, sitting all alone on holidays, etc. I check on them and invite them to come over and/or make extra when making meals and take it over to them. I love to do this and have not been able to do it as much as I'd like lately. Yes, I agree, make sure your loved ones know you love them. I also often say: If we love someone, we must make sure they feel our love. It's too easy to say we love without demonstrating our love to one another.;) I hope you are warm, comfortable, happy and surrounded by Love tonight. Much Love to you, Debi. :hug: DejaVu |
You are such a wonderful person DejaVu
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I was having a horrible day....been crying on and off for 3 days. Not sure if what they knocked me out with on Friday morning is part of the problem or the 2 month mark. I just keep getting choked up for no reason and then the tears just fall. I'm just so sad in my heart. See...there I go again. Finally about an hour ago I made myself get up......turn on all the lights in the house (it's rainy and dreary here) made deviled eggs and about to take a coconut pie out of the oven. I'm usually not up to being in the kitchen at all but I did ok. I will be surrounded by love tonight....going to Christina's for dinner and going to surprise them all with my 2 dishes.....they will be Shocked for sure ! Much love back to you too DejaVu ! And my Hope if you're reading this ! Debi |
Coconut Pie? Yum!
Oh, yum!!!
I am glad you've told me you are taking your food to Christina's, as I was ready to stop by. I can smell the coconut pie! :D It's tough to have patience with grieving. It all takes time and it's all to be expected. Just feels so darned .... sad. :( Uggghhh! :hug: I am glad you will be with your family tonight, Debi. :grouphug: Love to All, DejaVu |
Hey Debi,
NO thanks on the coconut pie but I would love the deviled eggs. (Just don't like coconut at all.) There seems to be no way of speeding up the grieving process but it sure would be nice if we could stop the hurt. And DejaVu is right,... Quote:
Your kind and caring nature is unaltered by any thing that is going on in your own life. And that IS amazing. |
Not doing very well :(
I've had some really bad days the last 2 weeks. Something happened at the 2 month mark of his passing and I'm just a mess. Can't think clearly, hysterical bouts of crying, sobbing. My feelings can go from 0 to 100 and back again in a second flat.
I'll have a new Advantage Plan in Jan and I know I've got to get some professional help in dealing with this. Between the pain of SFN and this mental torture I've got to do something. My mind is all over the place every second that I am awake. My pain is much worse and I'm pretty sure the depression isn't helping one bit with that. I was holding my 15 year old grandsons hand last night and it hit me how much I miss holding my Bubba's hand. Or putting my hand on his knee as we were driving or sitting beside each other. I miss hugging him tight and planting a kiss on his sweet lips or forehead. I miss every second of being with him or just knowing he was here on this earth. I know this will all get easier. I just didn't know a person could suffer this much. I never really knew what our relationship meant to me until he was gone. I mean really deep down I had no idea who much I loved this man or how much his physical being meant to me. I just wanted to share with all of you where I'm at right now. Not a good place at all. I keep the darkness at bay but it's always right outside wanting to get in but I won't let it. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers for I need them badly right now. Let the light of your caring shine on me please. Debi |
My dear Debi,
Yes, you are in our thoughts and our prayers. Just when we think we know what grief is like because of other loved ones we have lost, when you lose a spouse, it can be a VERY different experience. The pain is so deep it feels unbearable. There are many support groups for grief that may be of interest to you while you wait for your insurance coverage to kick in for one on one professional help. Sometimes the funeral home can put you in touch with support groups. I know that you are not able to get around much when family members are at work since driving is so difficult for you. It is hard enough for a healthy person to deal with grief, but when you add a painful chronic condition to the mix, they will feed off of each other. To be in pain is depressing in itself. To be grieving is depressing in itself. Add the two together and one can fall into a very deep hole of depression. Which one is contributing to the other? BOTH. The grief and depression will compound your pain and your pain will compound your grief and depression. You may want to discuss this with your favorite doctor and maybe medication may help you during this initial and so painful time in your journey to find life without Bubba. Not the kind of medication that will turn you into a zombie, but something that will ease the emotional pain to a more bearable level. Time is NOT your friend right now because it seems to move so slowly during the grieving process. It WILL be your friend in the long run, but it is much too soon to rely upon time alone. Being so limited by your disability only exacerbates your emotional pain. You have a much more difficult struggle than someone that is able to immerse themselves into some physical activity. Please know that we are hurting with and for you as you try to build your new life without the man you loved and with whom you shared your entire adult life. I feel sure that you even miss the little arguments that couples have over insignificant matters that seemed important at the time. How you long to be able to have one of those now if that meant you had him with you. It is not just the good times you miss, but also the times that were not the finest moments. As time passes, you will find that you can't even remember anything that was not great about Bubba. You will ONLY remember all the goodness. When that happens, you will be moving further along in the grieving process. You will ALWAYS miss him, it will just get easier to bear. All the little triggers will have less of an impact on you but that is a long way off right now. Please know how much we care about you and how much we wish we could alleviate this pain. We appreciate your sharing your heart and your thoughts with us. Please continue to keep us posted on your feelings and your struggles to adjust to this horrendous loss in your life. When you get too sad for words, try to think about Bubba looking down at you and saying, "I miss you, too, my dear Debi, but I don't want you to be sad." Think of some of the things he would say to you if he were sitting next to you. Listen for his words. They will drown out the hurt in your heart. He may even make you smile or laugh. He might say something to you that may cheer you as you know what he would say. He IS still with you. You just have to listen for HIS words. Right now, your breaking heart is drowning out his voice. Don't concentrate on what HE is missing by having his life cut short,... think about what he would be saying to you. Hope you get some pain relief as that will help with the emotions. Pain AND grief are a double whammy, so be kind to yourself. |
((((( Debi )))))
Hi Debi,
Hope, bless her heart, has just written quite a post, yet again.:D This one leaves me speechless. :eek: What an amazing post written by Hope.:D I am not often speechless, by the way. I have been thinking of you, wondering what I would read upon my return. I am sorry you are feeling so down. I do feel it's a part of the grieving process and "normal." I do think counseling/therapy or a support group could be helpful to you. I so wish my mother had gone this route. I honestly feel it would have helped her so much. I feel you know yourself very well and will be able to discern what will and won't be helpful to you. I know the process you are going through will be a long one, not an impossible one, yet a challenging one. :hug: Please know we all love you, hold you dear to us, and support you. Offering Love, Light (to ward off the darkness) and Support, DejaVu |
Dear Debi,
Hope and DejaVu have said it all so well. I just want to remind you that you are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. Do watch this Depression, I know you are fighting it now but it can easily overwhelm. Physical pain feeds it, you have a very valid, recent emotional loss to contend with as well. Do speak to a Therapist and/or at least discuss ADs. Be kind to yourself, lean on your family, Post to us. Dave. |
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