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Originally Posted by Diandra Dear Debi, I am just about to go to bed and wanted you to know I am thinking of you. You have been in my thoughts all day. And in my prayers. D.

D........so sweet....thank you and just what I needed when I opened this laptop.

Today I head to the SS Office with Christina. Hope to accomplish 3 things:

1. Changing my rep payee from my husband to daughter, Christina. I've been paying the bills all along. It may take me 1/2 the day but I've been doing it. I could try and change to just myself but I don't want to trigger a long form or anything like that. Will also ask that they start taking out taxes which is something I didn't do to begin with.
Then we'll need to stop by the bank and see what I need to do with that change plus his checking acct and our joint acct.

2. Widow's benefit or whatever it's called. Even though I made more than him the last few years he worked longer and made more in the overall scheme of things. May not be much difference in pay but he would want me to have it.

3. A one time death benefit from SS ?

The last thing I want to do right now is deal with money or bills. I know it has to be done but I feel guilty doing it. I should only be concentrating on his passing and not these real life things. Does that make any sense ?

I spent yesterday afternoon in the doctor's office with my mom. She scared the poo out of us yesterday. She only weights 81.5 lbs (as of yesterday had gained 2 lbs since last week !) On Monday night after visitation she had stumbled and fell against the tv set in her room. She does things like this quite often and because she is so small it takes a few days for her to get over it. She has such a high tolerance for pain it's unbelievable to me. Anyway....she asked that I come to her place after I got off the phone around noon yesterday and when I got over there she was shaking from head to toe. Teeth chattering cold. We called 911 and I was able to get her to quit shaking so bad by wrapping her up in a blanket. This on top of her keeping her house at a 'cool' 86 degrees ! She also had a portable heater on. When they checked her out her BP was fine, heart rate fine and no fever. Suggested I take her in to her dr. Called and they got her in at 2:20 pm.
Bless her heart she broke 2 ribs....the 6 and 8th. They are clean breaks and had not done any other damage.

All I can say is 'my cup runneth over'.

The neighbors across the street are going to take all the beautiful outdoor plants we received and make a memory garden for Bubba.

I guess you guys are becoming my diary. It makes me feel good to share all this with you. Like old friends sitting around a table talking for hours. Just feels right so thank you for letting me share this as I go through it.

Not going to the beach this weekend because of 2 things. My son is worried about what the trip would do to be physically. He knows riding seems to set my nerves off worse than normal and also it's a Holiday weekend. Not up to dealing with all the traffic. Then next weekend will be my grandson Evan's 15 Birthday on Sept 12th. This will be the first family event since losing Bubba and I have no idea how I'm going to do.

Hopefully the 3rd weekend from now me and Christina will head out on Friday after lunch for a quick trip to Panama City Beach.

I think we may wait until our family trip to Florida next year to spread his ashes. Seems the right thing to do since he loved that week of the year so much. And everyone will be there and not have to take special days off work or out of school.

It's so quiet without him here but I feel his presence. Real or imagined doesn't matter. He loved me and I will try my best of make him proud of the way I spend the rest of my life.

When I think of all the things he is going to miss it just overwhelmes me. Birthdays, graduations, marriages and births. I will have to manage these all alone as a grandparent.

I know it was his time and when I think of all the things he would have had to endure had he stayed I feel blessed that God saw fit to take him now and not let him suffer anymore. God allowed us the time to say the things we needed to say to each other and I am so thankful for that. Not everyone gets that chance. These things were not said with his passing in mind, just the thought they we had found each other again and how we were going to spend the rest of our lives enjoying each other everyday and supporting and loving each other for years to come.

Thanks for listening.

Debi

I'm glad you're waiting to go to the beach. Holiday weekends are brutal even for those without other things on their mind. You'll enjoy the time away much more later.

Poor Mom....I hope she's feeling better. Is she doing well at home now?

I remember the weeks following my husband's passing. I would sit and think "Doesn't anybody know what just happened? How can people get "back to normal" so quickly? My husband just passed away and the world just keeps going and going......". It's hard to accept but things keep on keeping on.....as much as we want them to slow down.

I remember the "chores" of going to the SS office, the bank, the endless places that needed a death certificate in order to either make changes or make the account in just my name. Seemed endless. But I encountered some very nice folks along the way.

That is such a nice thing you did with all the plants. I'm sure the garden will look beautiful. My house looked like a florist for weeks.......and to this day I cannot walk into a florist shop without the smell overwhelming me. There is just a certain aroma of flowers and greenery together that still doesn't agree with me. I did save all the baskets and had silk plants put into them. They're pretty and I don't have to worry about watering them.

I hope you're coping as best as you can and that your family is close by for you. Just take it one minute at a time......don't try to do too much or overwhelm yourself. It's a process.....albeit slow.....but it's necessary and you will get through it.

Embracing all in gentle hugs.

Thank you for sharing with us. Yes, this is like a diary; journaling your experiences. Writing out your thoughts, what has happened, what needs to be done, what lays ahead is all so therapeutic. We are honored to be included. Please continue keeping us in your day to day needs and accomplishments.

Sharing your family with us feels like knowing them. Hope your mother will be able to hold up under all that is going on. She is such a fragile woman. Lucky to have you close by.

Debi; know that healing thoughts, as well as love and prayers are with you and your family.


Gerry

ger 715 wrote:

This is so true. You honor us with your posts. Thank you and thanks to ger 715 for stating that so well.

Kitty wrote: I had no idea anyone else had that feeling. Thanks for sharing that with us. I, too, felt that way with the loss of a loved one and thought I was all alone in feeling that way. How could the world go on, my loved one was no longer here. It made me a bit angry as it felt like my loved one meant so little to others that they just picked up where they left off? I felt frozen in time.

This may not be the proper time or place for me to make this post as it is more about ME than about our dear friend Debi and her loss, but it might be nice if she experiences those feelings, it may help her to know that she is not alone.

Absolutely!! "Frozen in time" is an excellent analogy. It helped me to know that I wasn't alone with the feelings that felt so strange to me then. I only hope Debi feels our presence and love right now. Nobody can really relate to something like this unless they've been there. Seems like there are a lot of folks here that have walked that walk. It's not a walk you want to take alone.

Debi, I hope you're having an easier day today.

As you mentioned; this may help Debi know she is not alone should those feelings arise.
I remember all too well those feelings.




Gerry

I didn't start out thinking it was going to be any different from past days but it has turned out to be a good day. Luke has been here most of the day hanging out. I called and talked to the people at our bank but didn't go to SS Office. Christina just wasn't up to it.

John called from the funeral home and he had received Bubba's ashes and his death certificates. Luke and I met Christina and Jonathan over there to pick them up. I didn't cry at all. It was actually comforting to see that beautiful silver urn with his name engraved on it. Is that weird ?

I washed both dogs today, Angus and Charlie and then scrubbed the bathtub out.....it has not been scrubbed in months....how awful that I'm revealing that to all of you....lol

Luke took me thru the drive thru at the bank and the drug store and then we picked up a few necessary items at the local dollar store. Went by and picked up Lane from after school program and are now here at home.

I have been in this house for months and months and it was so good to get out in the daylight. Even though I'm tired I really want to take Evan and Lane out to dinner with Christina. Luke won't go as he still looks for time to be by himself.

Today is the time for my new patch and I'm feeling it. Took my oxycodone at 2but my left leg and foot are just killing me. Wasn't sure I'd make it through the dollar store but I did.

Thanks for everything my friends. I'm so glad I have this place to come to and yes I do feel your love and prayers for me and my family like a familiar friend. Means the world to me that y'all care so much. I hope to be much more active on this board than I have been in the past. Having to take care of Bubba really has showed me that I can push myself farther than I thought I could. And that's a good feeling for me.

If anyone can think of anything I see to be missing in all of this or have concerns about something I write please ask. I'm a wide open person who has no secrets from anyone....one of the things Bubba didn't like about me....lol

Debi from Georgia

No Debi....it is not weird at all. I understand completely how it would be comforting.

Am going to bed and putting you in my prayers, and your Mother as well.
(Poor dear, broken ribs...what is it about that generation...you said her pain tolerance is incredible...I found that to be true of both my parents).

Its funny, I feel the need to check in every night to see how you are doing so
I am so glad you are writing to all of us everyday and updating us on how your day has been.

You have been remarkably strong and I am amazed at all you are accomplishing.
Please be careful not to push too much.
Again, thanks for sharing.
Fondly,
D.