We can never know the road NOT traveled. The "what if's" and the "should have's" are natural for us but useless.

Even if we were to entertain some of them, we will never know what that road would bring to us or if the fork in the road or choices we make did not lead to the same end.

I have two streets near me that are both perpendicular to a third street and are two blocks from each other. It would look like the letter F if I were to draw them. But guess what, no matter which of the two streets you take, you still wind up at the exact same location. They both curve and meet, and look like the letter P instead of the F one would think they represent.

What I am trying to say is, what if or should have taken Road A instead of Road B would not matter. You would still end at the same place due to the curve in each road.

So to second guess different routes or choices made, the surgery vs no surgery, the early discharge from rehab, any of them, would not alter the destination. When GOD calls, it does not matter what road we are on.

If one believes in GOD, they believe that HE is the one that has the power and decides when we meet HIM in the hereafter. Any choices we make are irrelevant since HE decides our earthly expiration date.

Others may have different views, different beliefs, that are just as valid as anything expressed in this post so I hope I have not offended anyone that does not believe in GOD.

Some may feel that they have control over their destiny. Some believe in fate. Some things just have no explanation and we wonder why. I will be the first to admit that I have questioned my own faith on more than one occasion.

I post this only as a means of offering some thoughts that may provide some comfort to you. Some possible reasons to settle all those "what if's" and "should have's".

While I am VERY upset that Bubba has been taken from you, I seek some solace to believe that he is in GOD's hands and has been assigned to be your guardian angel.

I am not sure someone saying these things to me in the middle of my grief would have been a comfort or would have caused me to feel resentful and irritated that someone was pushing me into a religious acceptance of something I was not ready to accept.

I do know. I WAS resentful when told something of this nature. I was down right ANGRY. My faith was of NO consolation at the time. I had prayed for my love one to be OK. My prayers were NOT answered.

It took a long time for me to realize that my prayers WERE answered, just not the way I wanted them answered. I was driving down the street one day and a country song came on the car radio. It was a tune I was very familiar with but I had never paid attention to the words. For some reason that day, I actually heard the words and it hit me. GOD had responded to my prayers, just in HIS way and with HIS wisdom.

Thank you, Hopeless. What you said was so true!

All your words are beautiful my sweet friends and I do appreciate them. I will read these posts over and over because they do bring me comfort.

I went to bed last night after my post and slept 10 hours. I have been sleeping much better since using my CPAP again after his passing. He would only sleep an hour or so at a time and I was continously taking it on and off so I quit using it. Guess it's going to be one of my best friends now....lol.....maybe I should give my CPAP a cute little name

Last night was just pure, raw emotion I was pouring out to y'all. I didn't feel any better that I had written it down but I knew it would be out there forever in internet land and that did feel good when I thought about it this morning.

I know in my heart and soul that the good Lord takes us when he is ready. I know he is in a better place. The beautiful place we all want to go to when our time comes.

I was upset that I was out in front of the Hospice building when he passed. I was crying and hugging him and telling him how sorry I was that I wasn't there with him. The Hospice nurse looked at me and said "all of u were exactly where u were suppose to be when the Lord took him".....powerful words as Luke was beside him holding his hand as he passed. I had previously been alone with Bubba and said all the things I wanted him to know. Luke came in and asked if he could be alone with his dad. That's why I was out front. Luke swears Bubba nodded his head after Luke finished talking to him. I told him he did. Bubba wanted Luke to know he heard him. Luke had been there for me while Bubba was sick but did very little with his dad and will have to carry that with him for the rest of his life. But I think the nod from Bubba was telling Luke it's ok. Luke has told me he didn't think his dad would not have passed on if I had been in the room. He needed Luke's assurance that he would take care of me.

I'm sitting here looking at 20 - 20 0z diet cokes in bottles that I ordered from a fund raiser before he passed because it was his favorite drink. I just received them a few days ago. I guess things like this will continue to pop up here and there.

I still have so much to do but as I do one thing at a time I do feel like I accommplished something instead of nothing.

Good news ! My mom is up to 84 lbs.....she was 81.8 on Sept 3rd. She is doing better since everything has calmed down. She ate a whole bacon, egg and cheese sandwich last night. Christina will be cooking chicken and some type of veg's tonight and she will like that. Tomorrow she has beef stew on the menu with good ole cornbread and sweet tea (made with splenda for us and sugar for mom and Luke).

Thank u all for letting me spend time here with u. I still feel like we are all old friends sitting around a huge dining room table talking and laughing...and crying at times. Hugging each other as we leave to go on our way.

Group hug everybody !

Debi

Tell Christina to put some stew on the side for ME.

I will be on the next plane to Georgia.

(I wish)

Hi Debi,

It's such a painful time -- grieving the loss of your beloved life partner.
So many emotions, so many questions, so much pain.

I reach for words to convey comfort to you. I find myself speechless. I am often shedding tears along with you, as I feel your heartache.

In truth, it feels like there are no adequate words to respond to the depth of pain you are enduring at this time.

May you continue to feel surrounded by Love now and always.

Offering Continued Love and Supportive Prayer to you and to your loved ones.

Heart-to-Heart,

DejaVu

St. George,

You are having a very common and human reaction to tragedy and loss. It is natural to question if anything could have been done differently. This is you working through the shock and denial and working towards "bargaining" where a person tries desperately to understand some way things could be different.

Please don't give yourself a hard time. I cannot imagine what you could've done differently. And had you known, would the outcome actually have changed? I don't know what type of surgery your husband had but I do know a lot about hospital induced delirium having worked in medical and psychiatric facilities for many years. I transferred many a patient in for care of that very problem. I never saw a patient with such compromised O2 levels. What you have described leads me to believe there was something else going on medically and perhaps anoxic damage was contributing to your husbands agitation.

I think if you feel comfortable with his doctors then it is reasonable to accept that they advised you wisely that there was nothing more to be done. Most intensivists cling to their patient's lives and don't advise hospice unless there really are no other options.

I am so sorry for the rent you carry in your heart. I hope there is some comfort in the nurses statement that everyone was where they were supposed to be. I believe this is true. I am so grateful that your husband did not pass in the hospital or in transport. That he was in a comfortable place and had a little peace ahead of time. You are doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing. Walking around with a big hole in your heart and feeling leaky. That is enough, no need to blame yourself on top of it!

We are all thinking of you and carrying you with us. I am sending love and thoughts of peace and respite.

Did you make that ocean trip? Go, go... And let the healing wash over you.

May blessings wash over you in a drenching balm of peace and comfort dear St George.
May memories flow through you sweetly in fond recollection of the love you know through Bubba.
May you have rest as moments capture your thoughts and shared joys show you the richness of relationship well lived.
You teach me so much in your sharing.
I pray for you a heart at peace.
M56