I totally agree with Debi. I've lost other family members and while it was terribly sad and difficult it's not the same as losing a spouse or lifetime partner. Just nothing compares. Nothing.

I was with my Dad when he passed away. I was not with my husband. I used to beat myself up about that but there was nothing I could have changed or done any differently that would have altered the outcome. I've learned to live with that.

I was/am so thankful that I got to be with my Dad. I was a "Daddy's girl" all my life (I was the baby) and being with him just seemed right.

I can tell you that from my own experiences with grief and death you will ponder and question every decision you make or have made. It's enough to drive you loopy but I guess it's just part of it. Did I do enough? Was I there too often or not enough? Did I talk enough or maybe he just wanted me to be quiet? Did I ask him enough if he had everything he needed or was I just "there" and didn't do enough? Argh!!! I can tell you now that whatever you do or have done is just right.....just enough. Please don't waste precious energy on second guessing yourself. You do the best you can and that is enough. It. Is. Enough. :hug:

You're in my thoughts and my prayers.

Dear Ravenclaw,

Do not fret about your process. You have already been grieving for a long time in anticipation and preparation. This is allowing you to be more at peace in these moments and will help you stay strong after he is gone.

If he is sleeping peacefully, let him rest. Hold him if YOU need to. There is no right or wrong way. It is okay to give a little space. It may very well be a gift to him to be alone with his own reflections in the moments between waking and sleeping and even beyond that.

Honor your wisdom and be kind to yourself. You know what is right and are doing just fine. It is good to reach out for support.

Sending hugs and thoughts of peace and love, :hug:

Dear Ravenclaw,

I have not posted on your thread before now but have been keeping up with it. Other posters have done a much better job of expressing my feelings and thoughts than I could possibly do so I have left it up to them.

I just wanted to let you know that my heart goes out to you as you travel this path. Most of us have come to NT because of illness and pain, but the pain of grief is an emotional pain that has no comparison.

While no one can change the path before you, please know that we are here to support you along the journey now and in the future.

Hope

Such a kind and beautiful post. :circlelove:

Thank you again all.

He scared me today, I almost thought it happened, but he's now sleeping again.
It seems unreal, waiting for death.

I hope this is true. Rationally, it seems possible. All those times crying, maybe I've been grieving all along.

Since I'm disabled myself (my neuromusculair disease is why I'm on NT in the first place), it makes it harder. Not only am I not able to go out for a while for a walk, but my medicine is already for years messing with my mental state.
It makes me scared, so scared.
And that feeling makes me feel selfish, I shouldn't be thinking about myself and me being scared.
I never thought it was possible to feel so many emotions, feel so much, feel too little, cry without feeling I'm crying. It probably doesn't make any sense what I'm saying. I'm tired but I can't sleep.
Feel so much love it's almost too much.

He's breathing is getting shallow and doc says it's probably matter of hours. We're laying here somewhat together. My bed against his special bed. Both with our own tubes and things and pills and stuff. Difference is, he will soon be gone. And I have to go on, without him.

I don't know how and frankly, sometimes I don't even know why.

Dear Ravenclaw,

Your post (#15) makes perfect sense. And your feelings are NOT selfish, they are normal.

I do not know why but grief seems to make us feel guilty and makes us feel selfish. I think it is a natural reaction we have for some unknown reason. You are not alone in having these feelings. We will be here for you.

Dearest Ravenclaw,

What a beautiful gift to feel so much love it hurts, to experience its depth so fully that you feel you might break. What greater tragedy it would be had you never had that.

Do not feel selfish for worrying about yourself. I promise your Beloved would understand and is worried for you probably more than for himself.

I firmly believe that you have indeed been grieving the coming loss. This is a common and natural phenomenon. You will make it through this transition and come out with strength and beauty. Reach out to your community for support as you work through the changes. Bereavement groups can be found at many churches and are a good place to share your sadness with others who understand and are at different stages of their process.

Carrying you in love today and sending gentle hugs, :hug:

How are you doing today, Ravenclaw? :hug:

November 6th he passed away. I was holding him, and I felt him pass away. It was a very comforting feeling. Everything about him relaxed.

For me it doesn't feel real I think. He looked like he was sleeping.
There is going to be a burial but I don't know how I can handle it because he doesn't feel, look dead. I don't want it
I want to keep him closer, hold him longer
I know I can't but i just want to keep him with me

:hug: I'm very sorry.